Limp-wristed pussies die sooner

A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers.

Scientists at the Medical Research Council found that elderly people who could still give a firm handshake and walk at a brisk pace were likely to outlive their slower peers.

They found simple measures of physical capability like shaking hands, walking, getting up from a chair and balancing on one leg were related to life span, even after accounting for age, sex and body size. The study is the first to provide a comprehensive view of the existing research by pooling data from 33 studies.

One time, a girl I knew introduced me to a friend of hers who was trying badly to get into her panties, through a barrage of pathetic attempts that she was tempted to give into, due to her own desperation. After experiencing his feeble handshake, I told her she was in for the shortest two minutes of disappointment in her life. Once the flesh had regrown after the angle-grinder and hydrofluoric acid treatment I put that hand through, I met up with her again and found that I had been dead right.

You can tell a lot about a man from his handshake. Assuming, of course, that you’re also a man.