Stirsday: Fuck you, Mongolia

Posted by on Sep 15, 2010 in News | 8 comments

As a man who is quick to anger and is about as stable as a performance of Riverdance in a Cambodian playground, there are a lot of things that really bother me. People who use calligraphy pens, for one. Santa Claus, for two, that fat, sassy sack of jolly. But there’s one thing that has really been getting to me for many years now, despite doing its utmost to steer clear of me. Its been getting on my nerves, up my left nostril, grating down my spine and grinding my gears quite a bit lately.

Mongolia.

That chunk of wasteland located somewhere between China and Russia. Science has yet to pinpoint its exact location, but men in coats, armed with expensive instruments, are sure it’s up there somewhere. History shows us that Mongolia begins where China built their shitty wall, but since no man in history has ever dared cross that wall, at least nobody outside of Mongolia, we can’t be sure. All we know is that they’ve got an arseload of land and they’re keeping very quiet about it.

When was the last time you ever met somebody who hailed from Mongolia? Have you ever even heard of a Mongolian tourist? Seen a newsreel about the goings on in Mongolia? Visited a Mongolian website? Yes, Mongolia has an Internet. Frightening, I know. They managed to build it from the ground up, connect it with the rest of the world and not let on that they were doing it. That shows craftiness and cunning. Two things I bet you never knew Mongolians were capable of, as you know no Mongolians.

So what are they doing up there? If Google Maps can be believed, which it can’t, they’re doing normal things that any non-Mongolian would be doing. Living, farming, uploading photos to Google Maps. It looks like they even have ox and cart technology, as well as an Internets. But they’re doing it all real quiet like. That sort of behavior can’t be trusted, especially in a cunning, crafty Mongolian. What looks normal to us is probably elaborate ruse to hide their true purpose.

Everybody knows about the Khaaaaaaans, who lead the hordes down from the Steppes and plagued Kirk all across the Galaxy. Their rampage of looting, pillaging, raping and putting bugs into people’s ears went on for many years, until their leader died of a nosebleed, while trying to think in three dimensions. But that was millions of years ago. All this time, after their humiliating defeat at the hands of the non-Mongolians, what have they been up to?

Teching up, I’ll bet you. Turtling. Building a nice, solid wall of defences, around the true border. Researching more powerful weapons and technologies. Investing their natural resources in more efficient ways of processing and refining those natural resources, thus improving their resource economy dramatically, with next to no interference from the outside world. We’ve left them to their own devices for far too long. God knows how far their giant robot technology has progressed in that time. They’re really crafty about it.

So what can we do about the hidden Mongolian menace? If I’m right, which I’m probably not, then very little. Anything we can throw at them, they’ll have a countermeasure and retaliatory strategy worked out and planned well in advance. The new hordes of Mongolia will descend upon us and annihilate our puny non-Mongolian forces with ease. We’ll be utterly decimated, then the remainder put to work, building giant rockets for them to attack any stinking aliens who threaten Planet Mongolia.

But in the likely event that I am wrong, which is likely, should we really let the Mongolian menace go unchecked? Or should we carpet nuke them back to the stone age, thus ensuring that the Mongolian threat is obliterated before it begins.

I, for one, will not be welcoming our Mongolian overlords.