Pirate's top melting moments or: How I learned to stop worrying and love nuclear bombs in games

Playing with nuclear weapons in real life is a bother. There are mountains of forms and fees to be dealt with. Bodies have to hidden and there are far too many risky meetings on deserted bridges at midnight to make it worth it.

But in computer games it is a lot more easier. Gone are the days when the BFG was the biggest thing you could wield (Still a kick as gun). Now days you've got your very own nuclear arsenal in your game collection.

These are a bunch of my favorites (in no particular order). So click on the read more to read umm... more.

Warning, spoilers ahead!


Command and Conquer

Command and Conquer nukes are sweet even if they lack the warm glow of being there. I love these nukes simply because you have to work for them. The time it takes to build, load up and fire is only beaten by the tension of when you finally fire one and sit there waiting, watching as the nuke fires from your base. Flies out of your screen into the ether, then powers down into your enemies base and unleashing hell.

It just sucks when they move all their units out of the way while it does all this.



Fallout 3

Another pretty sweet nuke from a wonderful game. You set this one off as part of a quest. Unfortunately this means you can only do it once, leaving you with the pez "mini-nukes" afterward. Pffft. Don't get me wrong. I fucking love Fallout 3. It is beautiful masterly crafted game that everyone on the planet should pay. But for a game based in a nuclear wasteland, it left me wanting bigger.

Mind you, getting in to a car park or part of the abandoned freeway and setting off a chain reaction of nuclear explosions from the wrecked cars is close to sex.



Mass Effect 2

Ok the mini-nukes of Fallout 3 where not that bad. They were simply dwarfed by the scale of the game. But a mini-nuke in a game can go down well. Like this gun from Mass Effect 2. Apparently it's called the M-920 Cain. I know it as "Fuck yeah".



Scorched Earth

Well, it definitely lacked the immersion of some of the games listed here. But none the less the nuke in Scorched Earth was brilliant to blow up one or two of your mates. Unfortunately it didn't even make a mushroom cloud.



Powder Game

You can play this one yourself right now. What is it? It's a web based physics simulator where you can make BOMBS. Don't worry, it's actually pretty simple and it's not going to teach any terrorists how to kill you. But there is one thing it will do. It will suck hours and hours of your life away. Yup, between that last sentence and this one, around 30 minutes was wasted on that damn site!



F.E.A.R

What a bastard of an ending! This nuke is mean. You leap out of a window and BLAM a wall of shit heading right for you. Duck and cover? Not bloody likely. You're stuck like a rat in a dead end alley and to put it bluntly. You're fucked. It gave a feeling that there is no running from nuke which is probably closer to the truth. Mind you, I'd run and escape because I am fucking awesome to the power of max.



Crysis

This game is so god damn pretty that I just had to blow it up. Unfortunately the official "nuke" for this game (the TAC gun) is just too damn pissy to provide any satisfaction. Sure it sounds nice and looks ok. But it's way too small for such a huge game. Luckily I am not the only one to think this and the mod community quickly added the fire power needed.



Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

This has got to be the penultimate nuclear experience in a game. Also this is a reason we need an Academy awards for computer games. This level is amazing. I don't often get emotional in computer games but this section of COD4:MW really blew me away. From the initial fleeing of the bomb, the detonation, the crash and the subsequent eerie and slow death of the protagonist. It is pure gaming magic. It gave me chills and a gaming moment I will never, ever forget.



Garry's mod nuke

If you want to simply play with nuclear weapons then you can't go past the nuke mod for Garry's mod. If you don't know, Garry's mod used to be a mod for Half Life 2. It developed into it's own game which is available on Steam. It gives you a place to mess around with the power of the Source engine. Plus all the props and characters from most Source powered games. Like Half Life 2, Counter Strike, Team Fortress, Portal etc. It is an amazing bit of kit. Allowing you to build whatever the hell you want. Check out this video for an example.

So basically it's a game to build stuff. And what do you do when you've finished building? Well if you're a real man you blow it the fuck up!

The physics of the source engine mean you get a different result every time. And you are not just set to firing nukes at things. You can build traps, timed bombs (using the wire mod) or make a guided nuclear missile. It's simply the best game for fucking around with nukes.



So there you have it. My favorite nukes. I've not played every game so if I have missed any or you disagree, then post in the comments!