What do you say to someone with cancer?

[iaidoka]

I have never figured out what you say to someone with cancer. "im sorry" is just so weak ass.. and trying to be all optamistic ie "it will be fine, you will be fine"..can be misinterprited as not caring / realizing the gravity of the situation. Also, Its a damn sight easier to say that when your not the one effected.

This, from my past experience with my wife who has had cancer 3 times.

Well, its back a forth time, and I tell you im all out of clich'e things to say to try and cheer her up. This time, instead of radiation they are going to do kemo (since it keeps coming back).. and she just keeps half-joking "imagine how i will look without hair"

I dunno.. there just seems to be no right way. What do you say when your wife starts saying stuff like "read my favorite poem at my funeral".. nomatter how hard i try, i cant turn the mood into anything remotefully cheerful

sigh.

one of my few posts that has no place for a dancing banana..

[pliskin]

what type of cancer is it ? support groups????
be honest with your wife, tell her u are having trouble as well dealing with the cancer and how to respond. im sure she will appreciate your honesty all u can do i suppose is offer her support, love and kindness. it all sounds cliched, but fuck it, its all that can be done!

[nosedog]

Buy/steal her a puppy. There is no greater method on earth for making a chick smile than a puppy.

Apart from that, I have no idea. Keep your chin up, Tiger.

[katana]

Try my approach..use dark humour..If you die the kids are going to the orphanage...at least have a big enough life insurance policy so I can get pissed for a year.

Cancer is pretty serious and a few of my friends have died from it and they liked the way that I wasn't too serious with it and didn't treat them any different.

Tell them if there is anything they need ask for it and then provide it.

[dozer]

i agree, dont treat them any different, my friends hated talking about it and preferred to talk about other stuff.

just take a day at a time and thank god (or another omnipotent being of your choice) for every day you are together, life is short.

[iaidoka]

Originally posted by nosedog
Buy/steal her a puppy. There is no greater method on earth for making a chick smile than a puppy.



that isnt a half bad idea you know, she loves puppies ^_^.. but.. if i stole a cat. would i be a cat burglar ? *ducks*

my approach in the past has been "remain optamistic and cheerful".. but my wife saw that as not caring =(..

Oh yeah - its ovarian cancer. 3 lots of radiation, now kemo. Im never getting fathers day presents. But thats ok, unemployed people shouldnt breed anyway :swear:

[Spingo]

When she has her Chemotherapy, shave your head too. My mother did that when my sister had leaukemia, and my sister loved it.

The worst part of Chemotherapy is how it competely kills your immune system, and how sick you get. I personally let my actions speak louder than my words. Help out as much as your can, and always be there for her. Even if you can't find the right words to say, doing the right actions will mean sooo much more.

[iaidoka]

Originally posted by Spingo
When she has her Chemotherapy, shave your head too. My mother did that when my sister had leaukemia, and my sister loved it.

The worst part of Chemotherapy is how it competely kills your immune system, and how sick you get. I personally let my actions speak louder than my words. Help out as much as your can, and always be there for her. Even if you can't find the right words to say, doing the right actions will mean sooo much more.

You know, I had actually thaught that might be a good idea. Im glad to hear my idea isnt insane.

[startrekker]

I would just say "you have cancer..................... good luck"

[LauraleeBug]

Originally posted by Spingo
When she has her Chemotherapy, shave your head too. My mother did that when my sister had leaukemia, and my sister loved it.

The worst part of Chemotherapy is how it competely kills your immune system, and how sick you get. I personally let my actions speak louder than my words. Help out as much as your can, and always be there for her. Even if you can't find the right words to say, doing the right actions will mean sooo much more.

I reckon that is the sweetest thing I ever heard...
Good on ya, dood for suggesting a truly heart-warming Idea... it pretty much brought tears to my eyes...

:nodancingbananna:

[pliskin]

Originally posted by iaidoka
that isnt a half bad idea you know, she loves puppies ^_^.. but..

Oh yeah - its ovarian cancer. 3 lots of radiation, now kemo. Im never getting fathers day presents. But thats ok,

if its ovarian cancer a pet is the closet you both may get to having "kids"without adoption/foster parenting. an amimal is also great therapy/ companionship as well .
spingos mums idea of shaving your head as well is great idea!
in my case i shave it once a fortnight anyway.
i quite like short hair on females anyway.

[unicron]

just say "I love you"

[Diva]

there isn't much you can say unfortunately :( just be there for her, and be as supportive as you can. Shaving your head could be a good idea too, at least she won't feel so conspicuous when you are out together.

btw - as Spingo said her immune system will get bad. if you can, try to take her to a natural therapies training college (you are in melbourne right? should be at least one around) the students have to get a lot of clinical hours up and so they do really cheap massages.

an aromatherapy massage would be good- it is very gentle, and they can use essential oils that boost the immune system and help with fatigue etc.

it is 10 years next week since my bf died from cancer (16th Sept). :( But his was already secondaries in the lungs & stuff by the time he was diagnosed. hopefully it isn't that far advanced with your wife.

[mrwest]

Sorry to hear about your wife iaidoka :( I recently lost my sister to cancer, it's not an easy thing to go through.

My 2c is to say live your lives. People who experience something like this often lead more fulfilling lives than those who don't. The 'wake up call' can be a powerful motivator. Maybe make a list of "Things I want to experience in my life" and start doing them.

Talk about how it affects both of you. Sometimes people focus on the person with cancer, but it's also hard for you, your wife's parents, your close friends, etc. It affects everyone in different ways and it's important for the people involved to realise that.

Finally, I suggest you create something together. Whether it's a painting, sculpture, planting a tree, or writing a book. Something lasting to reflect on in the years to come.

[pleed]

When my mum got cancer, all that I can remember saying is "don't worry, you'll be right".
she had an operation and they got rid of all the cancer, she didn't need any sort of treatment after that.
No matter what the exact problem is, I think the best thing you could do is be positive.

[Imprint]

My aunty just died from it, its terrible and there isn't really anything you can say.

You sure as shit don't deny and say "it will be ok, we'll get through this"

I watched my mum struggle with such things when by her side, although that kind of talk was avoided for the most part other times it was more of a 'we're here for you' kinda thing, if its terminal anyway, there isn't much else you can do other than let them know you will be there for them.

cancer sucks.

[imp]

I had a friend die of lymphatic cancer. It was very hard and I understand not knowing what to say.

What I sugest is be strong for the person b/c most of them time they will need someone strong there to talk to you and get encouragment from.

I guess try to empathise more than sympathise b/c chances are you don't know how they feel and it's pointless re-assuring people of something you don't even know is true (i.e. you'll be ok)

I hope that all made sense. :confused:

[Asmodeus]

inappropriate humor works best, something along the lines of "Well, you've always wanted to lose weight" and "Damn man, you'll do anything for your morphine fix"

[iaidoka]

Thanks for sharing your thaughts and experiences.. Nobody ever teaches you how to handle shit like this you know? Greatly apreciated.

She begins chemo in 3 weeks.. and for a month its going to be 3 times a week. My father had chemo (I was only 5 at the time), so from his stories I know what to expect.

And centrelink (:swear: ) thinks it needs to pressure me to get a job.. hah, I have the ultimate need already!

[RASPUTIN]

I could be wrong here but I am sure that you can get a home carers allowance or something like that, which should get centerlink off your back. That is something you both don't need atm.

My father died of cancer and yeah it sucked and nothing sounded right. I just was there, for whatever he needed.

[rascuache]

Personally i would march in centrelink and say screw you mother fuckers, my fucking wife has cancer, i dont need to be told to get a job!!!!!!

I'm so sorry dude, i've watched for the past few months you try your godamn arse off (which i can relate to cause i've been trying myself too) to get a job and just keep getting knocked back with one setup after another.

You seem remarkably well adjusted for someone who is experiencing as much as you are and i personally admire you alot for it. If i were you at the moment i would have given up and had a psychotic episode of my own, gone into centrelink and said looking you heartless bastards, you're not helping me, you're hindering me, I've been trying, i've been goddamn trying to get jobs and they havent come through, and now, now is so NOT THE TIME to be on my back, i dont need you to hassle me while the love of my life is sick with cancer. i have enough motivation al - fucking- ready :swear:

Anyway, I've known a couple of people who've gone through chemo and its gonna be hard for both of you. Shaving your head to keep your wife company is the bestest most lovable gesture you could ever do i recon....makes me tear up just thinking about it. Its such a bold statement of solidarity, and a shaved head looks so goddamn cool, think of all the head wear you could both have fun wearing :banana:

What else is there to do, take lots of pictures, make scrapbooks, videos, everything and try and keep her happy, happyiness creates endorphins which are natural painkillers, so even then if she comes through it you've got all these things you have of you both going through it together and if not well then you have a testament of your last days together which you're going to look back on and maybe you will cry for a while but after that you'll smile aswell. And, make an effort to do that thing that you always wanted to do together but never did. go do it!!!!!!!!!!


you are my hero, keep your chin up!!!

[iaidoka]

rascuache, What you wrote really ment a lot to me - and your right, sometimes there is a small part of me that just wants to crawl up in a little ball and swear that im actually a common variety garden snail.

Really, thankyou. I feel stronger just having read your post.

[rascuache]

Cool, I meant every word :)