My first attempt at real novel writing

[reaperman]

Have been working on a novel for the last couple of years, just writing it during my spare time. Have done a number of chapters, and figured i'd post the first one here for the hell of it. The working title for the novel is "Black Birds" even though its been used before.

Chapter 1 – The Past and Present.

The stench clung to Jeruart even now. He had passed the devastated village almost an hour ago, and yet the smell seemed to linger around him. It was a scent he knew well though, the missions he had performed over the years as a member of The Guild had seen to that. It was the stench of decay, injustice, evil and ultimately death.

The Guild had assigned him this mission, yet he would have accepted it without the payment he would receive at its completion. A sizeable group of ex-Guild members had formed an army of sorts, lead by a Guild member he knew well, with the self-assigned codename of “The Black Dove”. The sole purpose of this so called army seemed to be to disrupt and control a number of the smaller villages in the Western lands of Nerchander.

The army threatened the villages into paying them a large quantity of their coin and food, and in exchange offered the village protection from outside attacks from other individuals or groups. This was not enforced however, as after the army took their share, they left the village open to attack from others, who were more then willing to strip the village bare. The army was like a lion, devouring what they needed from the village, and leaving the scraps for the vultures to come and feed. Any village unwilling or unable to give the army what they needed was burnt to the ground, all its inhabitants slaughtered, and the village stripped of everything of value to fill the armies coffers.

Jeruart had recently passed such a village, and after seeing the carnage left in the wake of this evil army, felt a combination of both shame and hatred against the army, and more significantly, towards its leader. Jeruart had been the one to teach the “Black Dove” how to live in this world, and was responsible for training this leader in the ways of The Guild, and subsequent initiation into The Guild as a full fledged working member. Thus he felt ultimately responsible for the path this “Black Dove” had chosen, and all repercussions that occurred due to her chosen path.

Jeruart put out the small campfire that had kept him warm for those first few hours of night, as a chilling wind had picked up just before dusk. He knew the army was positioned very close by, yet not close enough for them to realise he was near, for if they had, he surely would have been captured or killed by now, for these mercenaries were all well trained in a number of darker occupations – assassination and thievery to name but a few – without such skills you were of no use to The Guild, and thus were killed or denied entry into its ranks.

Jeruart stared up at the moon, veiled by the dark clouds that would surely herald a heavy rain within the next few hours. As he lay there wrapped in his cloak for warmth and protection, memory started to flood back, past events that had haunted him to this day, and would play a strong part in his immediate future. An image formed in front of his eyes, an image of a seedy run down brothel in the middle of the most infamous city in all of Nerchander, Sangranash.

[Bifrost]

That is really, really cool, reaperman.

I have a couple of things I'd suggest just to make it a bit smoother:

Try not to use quotes on codenames. Perhaps use them the first time you mention it, but leave them out after that. A codename is essentially the character's name for that section of the story so they really are unnecessary from a reader perspective. Also when you've read the name in quotes more than a couple of times they just start to annoy your eyes. If you want the codenames to stand out particulalry, you can use italics, but generally this is reserved for the names of ships and other named vessels.

OK. Now I'm going to hate myself for doing this because I always hated my tutors when they told it to me, but they ALL said it and these days I understand why: Show, don't tell. Man it feels bad to say it. What I'm particularly talking about is the third paragraph - when you're describing the situation between the villagers and the army (which BTW might be better called Black Dove's army or something - just to keep clear lines between the Guild and the Army). Anyway, the character from who's POV we're reading is thinking about the standover tactics used by the army and sure - maybe he's too late to actually see it in action, but giving the reader a look perhaps at some of the repercussions of either paying up or not paying up might be good. You know, like a crow-cage with the body of someone who didn't pay or something (I know - your story, just giving an example of what I mean).

Finally: "then" is not the same as "than". I know it was probably a typo, it's just a pet-hate of mine. ;)

Overall I reckon the atmosphere of the story really works - I could totally smell the smoke and decay. Tops work. :)

[kleph]

i would like to emphasize bifrost's point about "show don't tell." you start of with strong imagry but then switch gears into an explication of the backstory. keep moving forward and let the backstory emerge as the character progresses.

it seems a little like you spent a lot of time coming up with the framework of your tale and now you want to show off your hard work. don't. it will be much more effective if you leave it underneath the story as the foundation.

your reader, by default, will give your protaganist the benefit of the doubt if they like the writing. use that to keep the action moving and slowly reveal to them the stakes of what is occuring. when you have them hooked, then switch the rules.

[Bostonmess]

Errr, next chapter please.

[reaperman]

Thanks for the opinions and ideas you had for the first chapter. Have reworked it and is a lot smoother then what it was. Here is the first half of the second chapter - am rewriting the second half due to continuity and other issues with storyline.

Chapter 2 – In the beginning.

The Lame Donkey had been established no more then 20 years before Jeruart came, but in those years it had established a reputation for being a decent place to visit in a mans quest for intimacy. The brothel was run by an uncouth fellow by the name of Daniman Cluff, a fat balding man in his 50s who sported an untidy beard and a general untidiness to his whole being. Daniman had received the deed to the building through a rather brutal murder, and due to the corrupt nature of the local force of justice, had received no punishment for this crime, and took the man’s property and wealth as his own, after paying a pre-arranged fee to the local police. The inheritance had been squandered by Daniman, mostly on drink, women and gambling, and he was eventually left with barely the shirt on his back and the deed to what would become the Lame Donkey.

The Lame Donkey was an old building, creaking floors and roof, the stench of alcohol and sweat permeated the air. It consisted of two floors, the bottom set up as a makeshift bar, auctioning area and Daniman’s office. The bartender, “Bucktooth” Benran, was a giant of a man who looked from the neck up a rival for the local village idiot (who just so happened to be his brother), but from the neck down, looked like a lumberjack as he was built like a brick wall, standing behind the bar ready to serve the patrons, his blank facial expression giving off the impression that there was not much going on in the upstairs compartment. When the need arose hew was more than willing to put his tree trunk arms into action and throw out any trouble makers within the crowd who started something with other customers, or even worse, with some of the girls. The girls saw Benran as a kind of protector, and it had been speculated that he was the reason why some of these troublesome patrons had not been seen or heard of since the night they had caused a scene.
A winding metal staircase led to the second floor of the brothel, where a number of rooms containing some worse for wear beds were situated. This was where the girls would bring the winning bidders for their hard won prize. At the end of the second floor was the girls’ private bedroom, where they spent the day resting up for that nights performance if they weren’t out spending there well earned pay.

The patrons would enter the bar level of The Lame Donkey, grab a drink and sit themselves at one of the many tables and chairs strewn around within the auction area, dimly lit by the small candles situated on the walls and some of the tables. While enjoying there drink, and the conversation struck up by others sitting around there table, they would be joined by one of the girls who would get the men interested, and eventually get the auction rolling. The bidders situated on a specific table would give an opening money amount, the amount slowly being raised until a final bid was decided upon. The winner would hand over the amount, and be escorted up the staircase to the second level where they would enter one of the private rooms and the .transaction would then occur for the next half hour The patron would then leave and the girl would clean the room, go downstairs to Daniman’s office and hand over the money then return back to her table to start the routine all over again. However much the girl made in one night, she was allowed to keep 40%, the other 60% going to Daniman to pay for the day to day running of the bar, his paying Benran, Cassandra and other local authorities for the protection they provided, which was no protection at all, of course.

There were four girls in all working at the brothel the night Jeruart arrived.
Ronee had been working at The Lame Donkey since it had been created by Daniman, and just so happened to be his sister. She was the total opposite of her brother however, being born with a natural beauty that outshined any of the other women living within Sangranash. She was of a reasonable height, with all the right sizes and curves a girl of her profession needed, while portraying her as being younger then her 28 years of age.

Jaimena had been Ronee’s best friend ever since their childhood. In fact, they had been born in the same week as each other. She had worked for Daniman for nearly as long as Ronee, being introduced into the brothel after approaching Ronee in desperate need for a job and home. She was not as beautiful as Ronee was, but still managed to turn some heads both then and now. Jaimena had had a lot more experience with the services that were required of her in her current profession then Ronee, and was known by most of the men in town as “good value for money”.

Leara had been working in this profession since she was 12, and her physique and manner reflected this. She was a strong women in both physique and character, with a razor edge and a “straight to business” attitude. At the age of 45 she was still able to entertain her customers just as well as Ronee and Jaimena, as during this time she had learned a number of tricks which pleased her customers, and it was uncommon to see a customer of hers leave The Lame Donkey without a smile on his face. Those who weren’t pleased with her performance, and made something of it, usually left without teeth, thanks to Benran.

The final girl was Cassandra, a former noblewoman brought into this line of work due to indiscretions on her part. Having been caught by her husband, an important lord within the Sangranash nobility, in the arms of the stableboy, she was cast out of the life she had become accustomed to and thrown on the streets with nothing but the clothes on her back, and the unborn child in her womb. The stableboy had met with a similar fate, except without the breath in his lungs, or the child for that matter. Cassandra had been found by Ronee in a back alley one night as she made her way back to the brothel after shopping, and was so impressed by her bearing even in such a predicament, she offered her a job working for Daniman, who agreed hesitantly, as a barmaid alongside Benran. She brought a lighter side to Benran’s solemn demeanour, and encouraged repeat beverage sales with a wink of an eye and a flirtatious comment.

[s3raph]

Funky cool, you get rep for that even though I'm not really a big fan of fantasy, nor writing fantasy novels. Just seems too cliched for me. Don't really know why. Still, capital work, I hope it takes you to magnificent intellectual type places.

[Bifrost]

Cool. You really do have some strong characters to work with there, reaperman. And as always you have a great sense of the place.

Now...Criticisms...

First off - you use the word "then" where you should be using the word "than". At first I thought it was a typo, but it's obviously not. This is a common mistake made mostly I think because the American accent pronounces the words almost identically. They are not the same thing.

Replace these uses of "then" with "than":
...no more then 20 years before Jeruart came...
...being younger then her 28 years...
...in her current profession then Ronee...Second - I think the world you are describing is really vivid in your head and you really understand how things go down. The Lame Donkey is really visible in the writing, however, like the first chapter you posted and even more so in this one I think you are over-describing your world and its inhabitants to the reader. So although the Lame Donkey is constructed in the reader's mind, it's like it is frozen in time and nothing is happening there because it is being straight-up described.

Rather than using the passage you posted to describe in detail the Lame Donkey and its employees, why not tell the entire passage from the point of view of your protagonist (I'm assuming that their name is Jeruart). Start perhaps with Jeruart entering the Lame Donkey just as Benran is "removing" an abusive client. Then as Jeruart goes in you can have the Lame Donkey's employees in an argument over how the disturbance started - each character exposing their idiosyncrasies with their dialogue. You can even allude to their past and the history of the Lame Donkey through Jeruart's internal thoughts.

IN short - I think the idea and the feeling of the passage are excellent, but the delivery is description, not narrative. You need to use dialogue and character interaction to describe your world, rather than just explaining it to the reader. That way the reader will not get all of the informationi and will crave more - enticing them to read on.

What I was trying to say above without saying it was, again: show, don't tell. Those three annoying words basically just mean describe your characters' surroundings through your characters and try not to use the omni-present point of view, becuase it really disconnects the reader from the plot and mnakes them feel like an outsider, rather than a person who is involved with the story.