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The Best President Ever (3 pgs) [Archive] - ZGeek

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zgeekfan
12-01-2005, 03:37 PM
I wrote this in class for fun and recieved 9 out of 10 on it. It was suppose to be a satirical - persuasive paper for class. If you read it, please post a reply. I like replies. They make me feel fuzzy. I am bald so I like that feeling.

Who is the best president of all time? This question is highly debatable and always asked around election time. We have had many remarkable presidents, but only a select few come to mind as the best. How does one decide who is the best and is that feat even possible?
Abraham Lincoln has many amazing facts (some would call them myths) that prove him to be the most amazing person, let alone president, of all time. It was widely known that Lincoln dueld with James Shields and Lincoln easily scared him off with his long reach in wielding a broad sword. What the fine historians always leave out is that my Great, Great, Great, Grandfather Wistrand, Shield's best friend, decided to finish out the duel. Wistrand, being a stubborn fellow, did not like anyone feeling like they had defeated a good friend, this case being Shields. Wistrand grabbed two long tree branches from a white oak and called Lincoln out. Lincoln, being the proud man he was, accepted this battle. They proceeded to fight to the death but Lincoln, loving his land, could not kill a man with thie Illinois state tree. He then told Wistrand that Wistrand had won the fight and bowed his head. This chivalry has gone down in history.
Another fact is that Lincoln did not have a middle name, which most historians stamp as a historical truth. Now I know most of you are saying, "Wait a minute! The best president of all time would obviously have to have a middle name. All presidents use their middle name! FDR, JFK, AND GWB are just a few examples." Well, I have news for you; he did indeed have a middle name. His parents were confused on what to call him because they did not feel one middle name would suite their lovely son. They came up with many names such as John, Jacob, Joseph, Jeremy, and Jacaranda. They finally decided that all of these names would make his already extensive name even longer. They thought long and hard to finally decide that they would just choose Jay. "Why Jay?" is what I pondered when I first read this. Then, it hit me! Each name they wanted to use started with the letter J. This multi-purpose middle name actually signifies every name they wanted it to, without sounding vain for their child.
The last true fact (some would call it a tall tale) is about his top hat and corn pipe and their origins. In 1831, in the winter months, after the young Lincoln had decided to leave his family and go off on his own, Lincoln ran into what is now known as Frosty the Snowman. The way the historical fact goes, it was something of a turbulent day and Frosty was a little under the weather (as he always seemed to be). The top hat blew off his head and Lincoln picked it up to return the precious headpiece. Unfortunately, Frosty lost his power to stay together and blew away. Lincoln promised to wear the top hat in memory of his lost friend. When Lincoln picked up the corn pipe he had gained powers from wielding both objects. They would give him powers such as the ability to write the best speech in just a few sentences, hold papers, checks, and important materials in other places than his pockets, and night vision. Although no one has proof on night vision, it is assumed true by many respected historians.
The other president that a majority of people believe to be the best president of all time would have to be George Washington. George Washington is probably best known for being our first president and chopping down the cherry tree. Despite popular certainty, that cherry tree was not his father's. It was actually a widow's whose main survival came from cherries. When asked who cut it down, George boasted, "Itwas I who killed the tree for I can not tell a lie that I am not ashamed of!" Now most people are quick to point of that he did not lie, but to me the fault was that he was bragging He robbed this poor window of her only food source in hopes she would pass away, so that he would take control of her land. It is said that the widow was Indian and had ties to Britain.
In conclusion, Lincoln is the best president of all time because he showed chivalry when many men would not, he by far has the most versatile middle name, and he is well-known for the elegant way he dressed. Here are moving words from Lincoln from his second inaugural address on March 4, 1865: "With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow and orphan - to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations."

berserk
12-01-2005, 03:45 PM
How old are you & what class was it for?

Which bits are satirical? The bit about Jay & the indian widow?

Necron
12-01-2005, 03:55 PM
What are you on about?
Not being American this does not mean much to me.
Oh well, It was a nice time consuming read that makes work that little bit shorter.

zgeekfan
12-01-2005, 03:58 PM
Writing 1310 Freshman in college. I just write for fun - my major is not writing. Every point on why he is the best president.

zgeekfan
12-01-2005, 04:31 PM
Thank you! Because the post says "PLZ READ, TIHS IS TEH BOM!"

Nodbugger
12-01-2005, 04:42 PM
omfg thats l;ike a kiddies story,

second inaugural address - how can u do that??

He was elected for the second time?

Bush will be giving one soon, and my High Schools band will be playing there.

ezer
12-01-2005, 05:08 PM
as i have been brought up, inaugural ,means first. such as your inaugural speech, or inaugural film festival. thus you cannot have not more than one of them

berserk
12-01-2005, 05:22 PM
College freshman is what? 17?

Firstly, let me say that
1. I'm not a Yank & an not well versed in Yank national myths beyond what is on TV.
2. I have very little understanding of the eduction system in the US, & certainly nothing about US university entry level writing courses. That said, my comment would be, must do better.

If this is meant to be satirical, then the satire should be subtle & realistic. Adding things like your Great*4 grandfather is taking the piss, not satire. Unless your family are polygamous Mormons, your Great*4 grandfather would have been extremely old by the mid 1800s when the duel would have taken place. For instance, the http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0105/wow.html (landover baptist piece on the front page is good satire because it is possible that that could happen, while satire from BB Spot usually suck.

Secondly, arguments of greatness based on moral character might impress the "Clinton had a BJ!" crowd but not me. To argue greatness, you should first define what you mean by "greatness". For instance, do you view it from an attribute prospective (i.e. he was honest Christian & didnt get a bj from an intern" or achievements or from some other prospective or combination thereof? i.e Define your terms.

Hit And Rum
12-01-2005, 05:23 PM
in·au·gu·ral

noun

An inauguration.
A speech given by a person being formally inducted into office.

It is the second time he has been elected so he has to make another "inaugural" speech. Very american usage as pertaining to their particular political processes.

lowededwookie
13-01-2005, 10:03 AM
My favourite American president is all the dead ones because they can't screw up the world - at least not anymore. :D

Bifrost
13-01-2005, 12:39 PM
Folks, cool it.

zgeekfan posted a perfectly legitimate story and if you are going to critique it, then critique it constructively.

I've deleted ezer's first post because it was more of a flame than a comment. I'm comfortable with his second post.

berzerk's second post is a decent (if a little harsh) example of a negative, yet constructive reply. It is negative, but it poses questions and suggests alternatives rather than simply saying "omfg crap, crap".

I realise that the subject of US Presidents is going to cause a stir no matter where it is posted, but this is a writing forum, not the discussions forum. Please keep your replies here to comments on zgeekfan's writing. If you would like to debate the pros and cons of US Presidents, by all means create a thread in discussions and link it here. I'm all for writing sparking discussion.

Bifrost
13-01-2005, 12:49 PM
OK...

zgeekfan - first off you might want to consider formatting your post for reading on the web. It looks like just one big block of text and as such is a little hard to read. Try throwing in a blank line between paragraphs.

The term "true fact" is a tautology, which means that you've basically repeated yourself. If something is a fact, then by definition it is considered true, there's no need for the word "true" in your sentence.

I like your idea of throwing random fictional ocurrences into what purports to be a historical document. What I would look at doing with it is perhaps take actual events from historical documents and use them to fashion your fictions. Perhaps throw the reader in a little deeper into the situation using dialogue to make the scene more real for the reader.

If, on the other hand, you're trying to create your piece as more of a pretend historical document in itself, you may want to use the language in which the original documents and stories were written, rather than today's language.

Your fictions look to be a little obscure, which is good, in fact I would shoot for even more obscure - try for really bizarre. History which starts getting really bizarre is IMO really, really funny.

s3raph
13-01-2005, 12:54 PM
You know I reckon its rather ironic that the Republican party was created being modern and revolutionary (freeing the slaves etc etc) and nowadays they're reknowned for being a bunch of pig-headed conservatives. Funny the way the world spins.