Best Cricketing Sledges Ever

[ShinymetalASS]

I got these through the email (hence the bazillion fwd arrows) and they cracked me up. Once youre done laffing, I'd love to hear some others.

P.S. Big Merv? What a freakin statesmen

> 1 . Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
> > When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the
> > wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"
> >
> > 2. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
> > During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed:
> > "You can't f*cking bat".
> > Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make
> > a fine pair. I can't f*cking bat & you can't f*cking bowl."
> >
> > 3. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
> > During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few
> > balls latter Merv dismissed Javed.
> > "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
> >
> > 4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
> > During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv,
> > but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
> > "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my
> > culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he
> > announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*ck off."
> >
> > 5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
> > Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine
> > microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot
> > night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being
> > an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"
> >
> > 6. Shane Warne & Darryl Cullinan:
> > As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been
> > waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him.
> > "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.
> >
> > 7. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
> > After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler
> > politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?"
> > "Cos every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes
> > replied.
> >
> > 8. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
> > After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock
> > told Ponting: It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately
> > for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting to
> > Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."
> >
> > One other, although not really a sledge.
> > Merv Hughes was playing for Australia against a South African provincial
> > side during a tour to SA. Hansie Cronje was facing him on a totally flat
> > deck and belting fours and sixes from every one of Hughes' overs. After
> > Cronje hit Hughes for six for about the 8th time, Big Merv ran down the
> > pitch, let out a huge fart and said "Try and hit that for six". It was
> > about 5 minutes before everyone was composed enough to continue the
> > game.

[Asmodeus]

never saw a cricket match, but the insults were funny.

[Pagey]

you don't know what u are missing out on!

[ShinymetalASS]

Australian's are as good at insults as they are at cricket....

I'm sure there's a connection there somewhere...

[Munchkin]

They were funny :)

[Juice Biscuit]

Australian's are as good at insults as they are at cricket....

I'm sure there's a connection there somewhere...


You didn't think we won on talent did you?

[Icky_Thoomp]

Love the cricket sledges, although the author of the email might want to check his sources.

Number 7 - I've heard that as sometimes a fat comedian's comeback to a heckler at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival. The way I heard it was Pigeon said something along the line of "You are a shit batsman" after Brandes played and missed a few times and Brandes came back with, "And you were expecting Sir Donald Bradman?" Much classier.

Number 8 - it was actually Greg Thomas bowling to Viv Richards in a county match.

Now to actually contribute something to the discussion -

Merv Hughes to English batsman after the batsman played and missed a few times -
"How about I bowl you a fucken piano and you play that, ya fucken Pommy bastard!"

The inimitable Fred Trueman's reply to a young player apologising for making a mistake while fielding, "Nay, son, tis your mother who should be sorry."

[abelgold]

Not onfield sledging, but cracked me up nontheless.

(paraphrased)
(Australia Vs Pakistan a few years ago.. During this game Pakistan are in all types of shit.)

Bill Lawry - I think Pakistan's problem is they've got to relax
Richie Benaud - I don't agree. I think Pakistan have got to learn how to bat, bowl and field. It's a simple game.

[TheMightyPhill]

McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it): "If you ever effing mention my wife again, I'll effing rip your effing throat out."

Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fucking useless now".
Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb cunt".

Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". The reply is classic Trueman, "Not you, son. Your mother should've!"

A classic from the master of sledging, Ian Healy:
Ben Hollioake had just made his debut, hitting Glenn McGrath in the process.
On his way back after finally being dismissed, Shane Warne cried: 'Hey, Ben'
Hollioake turned round expecting a pat on the back. Instead Healy came in from behind and said: 'Get back to the nets, you idiot.'

Ravi shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't want to slander anyone ) shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head"
shastri: "if you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"

Same stuff comes up every summer.... love it :)

[Keyser Söze]

Jamie Siddons (considered one of the best players never to have played Test Cricket for Australia) was fielding at first slip and the batsman was fidgeting around and basically taking his sweet time to face up.

Siddons : "For fucks sake, It's not a fucking Test Match"
Batsman turning round : "Obviously - You're here !"

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Another one attributed to Trueman. He's just bowled a bloke with an absolute peach of a ball.

Batsman : "That was a great ball Fred."
Trueman : "Aye son, and wasted on you"

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Malcolm Marshall (fearsome West Indian tearaway) was bowling to David Boon (Aussie Legend) who had played and missed a couple of times.

Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

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Attributed to Steve Waugh (but denied) was Herschelle Gibbs dropping a crucial catch during the 1999 Cricket World Cup.

Waugh : "Congratulations son, You've just dropped the World Cup"

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[StygiaN]

This thread is gold. Thanks for the laughs peoples!

[Keyser Söze]

Another couple I remembered.
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Again courtesy of Ian Healy

Queensland were playing the Poms in a warmup game. Nasser Hussain was batting. Nasser has what you might call a prominent probiscus.

Healy to fieldsman: "I want you to come in and field right under Nasser's nose"
(Fieldsman starts walking in)
Healy when fieldsman is 5 metres from Hussain: "Right, That'll do"

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Graeme Hick, who never mastered top class fast bowling, had been under siege from a barrage of Hughes' bouncers.

"What does your husband do when he is not watching you play cricket?" Hughes asked.

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Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim.

Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive.

Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

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A famous one from the Centenary Test in Melbourne 1977. A young David Hookes makes his way to the crease in his debut test. The English captain was South African born Tony Greig.

Greig : "When are balls going to drop sonny"
Hookes : "Don't know but at least I'm playing Cricket for my own country"

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[Juice Biscuit]

Attributed to Steve Waugh (but denied) was Herschelle Gibbs dropping a crucial catch during the 1999 Cricket World Cup.

Waugh : "Congratulations son, You've just dropped the World Cup"

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I remember watching that one, and was dying to know what he said.

[Sparhawk]

There was a good list of these in the paper a while back, but I think most of the good ones have been said (particulary the Ranatunga and Cullinan ones).

David Gower: "Do you want Gatt a foot wider?"
Chris Cowdrey: "No. He'd burst." England's former captain and bowler discuss tactics against India in Calcutta, 1985.

"If it had been a cheese roll, it would never have got past him." - Graham Gooch on the famous Shane Warne delivery that bowled Gatting at Old Trafford, 1993.

DENNIS LILLEE
"Are you aware, sir, that the last time I saw anything like that on a top lip, the whole herd had to be destroyed?" - Comedian Eric Morecambe.

PHIL TUFNELL
"Tufnell, can I borrow your brain? I'm building an idiot." - Australia cricket fan, 1994.

[damo68]

James Ormond (England) had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.......

MW : "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England"

JO : "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"

[Hired Goon]

hehe. whoever says sledging is a bad part of sport has it wrong. The psychological battle is what makes it so great. As StygiaN said, good work all. This thread rocks :D

PS. I don't have any further sledges to contribute unfortunately. All the ones I know are already posted!

[Keyser Söze]

It's not quite a sledge but it shows that a bit of banter has been going around for a while.

Apparently Dr. W.G. Grace was batting in a county game and got cleaned up by an absolute peach of a ball. He turned around, picked up the bails and put them back on top of the stumps and then suggested to the incredulous bowler "Go back to your bowling mark son, the crowd has come to watch me bat, not watch you bowl".