Married women and single guys

[Chrissy]

I'm not sure if this thread should go here or in stuff you wanna know, but I am sure a lovely admin will move it if it needs to be moved. :)

One of my best friends is feeling a bit down at the moment. She got married pretty young to a complete wanker and had 4 kids. A couple of years ago she realised what a complete wanker her husband was and divorced him (yay!).

She then got into a relationship with another guy who at first was a tosser and would sleep with her but tell her that he wasn't into having a relationship and wouldn't be seen in public with her. After a while, he stopped being such a tosser and committed to the relationship and they've been together for about 18 months now.

They still live in seperate houses and although there has been some talk of them buying a place together, nothing has ever come of it, mainly due to him finding excuses.

His main problem is with her kids (the twins are 9, and the other two are 7 and 6 years old). He constantly bitches about them and says he can't get any peace when they are around. My friend finds this really tough as she adores her kids. They are her whole world.

Recently, he has been pulling back from the relationship, not calling her, not turning up when he says he is coming over and taking other people (not only women) out to dinner and not inviting my friend. I assume he is trying to take the cowards way out of ending the relationship, but my friend refuses to see it.

She is very worried that she will never find anyone as she has 4 kids and has been married. She is totally self sufficient and doesn't need a man to support her financially and she's not looking for a father for her kids either. She's a really pretty girl and she's also very clever. She's warm and caring and would do anything for anyone, all in all, I would say she's a pretty good catch.

My question is, do you think it's reasonable to say that most men would be put off having a relationship with her by the fact she's been married and has 4 kids?

Would you consider a relationship with someone like my friend? If not, would it be the kids or the fact she was previously married that would put you off?

I'm not trying to set her up with anyone but I would like a man's opinion on her situation.

[thingy]

4 kids? Well, that more than confirms that she likes to fuck! Send her on over!

... but on a more serious note. One or two kids I can easily handle, but when it gets more than that it gets a bit too much for me. Four (in her case) would have me really reaching, she'd really have to be something special and I would probably distance myself enough out of fear that I would never discover that. I'd feel to much like I had to be the father type role from the outset instead of just a friend of the family who is dating the mother. It is just a bit to overwhelming for me.

[Ralmandor]

My question is, do you think it's reasonable to say that most men would be put off having a relationship with her by the fact she's been married and has 4 kids?

Would you consider a relationship with someone like my friend? If not, would it be the kids or the fact she was previously married that would put you off?


yeah i do think its reasonable to say that, but haivng said that i married young to someone that has been married before (i still have to deal with her fucked up ex :fag: ) but i feel if a someone is willing to put somone else before their kids they arnt someone i want to know.

i think any decent guy should ignore the fact that she has been married before if they really love her, and kids are the coolest

[Hit And Rum]

Wouldnt worry me...if I had been married before and had kids of my own. Maybe she needs to find someone who has been married before or who has kids. They would understand her issues and it wouldnt be such a big deal.

Then she just has to hope the kids like each other!!.....

[frgn8r]

Are the twins girls? jk

To go from 0 to 100 in a relationship like that is pretty demanding... maybe she should seek out someone in a similar circumstance...
buh-dah-dah-dah-da... here's a story, of a lovely lady...

[Al]

For me it'd be the kids. For starters (i think) i'm too young for kids, there's still heaps of stuff i want to do that kids would prevent. Secondly, i don't have enough spare time as is. I know i'd love the kids, and it would be handy having some pre-started, but it's not something i want (possibly not ever)...

Your friend sounds great, and is in a shit situation (in terms of her current bf). So best of luck...

[dilligaf]

I'm only young, but if i had the situation arise of the previous marriage and the kids, i would have to say that the kids wouldbe the thing holding me back. Don't get me worng, kids would be pretty awesome to have around, but 4 of them? That leaves me feeling as though i am an outsider coming into the relationship between her and her kids. The large number of kids also says that perhaps i wouldnt be able to have kids with this woman becuase there are already plenty of mouths to feed, and as they grow up they only get hungrier.

[Aardvark]

She'd probably have more luck if she were still married

[Glompbot]

How old is she?

I have a friend who has a son who is I think 3 years old, he's a really nice guy... and I was at first slightly attracted to him... but the whole child thing (and finding out a few other incompatibilities between us) really made me step back and go.... nah... he's a good friend.


But... he and I are both only 21... (born one day apart too... which is kinda weird), and its too young for me...

[Up_All_Night]

one thing though and i am only 21 so yeah this wouldnt be for me, but id want to have kids of my own one day and if they're got 4 kids, it would be a put off, as they've already done that, and probably not want to have more kids and stuff. you know what i mean?

[Reprobate]

My ex-wife and I had four kids. It didn't cramp her style. We were seperated at the end of 2000 and she found a bloke by the end of 2001 and they were married the following year. He's 5 years younger than her.

I feel sorry for him. Poor bastard. She's still got all the same hang ups that she had when i was with her. Stuff that she was still carrying with bitterness and resentment from her childhood.

i always said though that if anything the kids would probably help her find a new partner. they're beautiful children. absolutely adorable. the guy she ended up with is a nice enough guy, not that i've ever had a chance to have a decent conversation with him. she wouldn't allow it anyway, she hates me with a passion.

your friend shouldn't be too eager and keen to find a new guy to fill the vacancy in her life. she first needs to discover herself as a person.

i spent the first year of seperation doing just that. to be perfectly honest i was well and truly over the wife from the moment she took off. and took off she did. done a disappearing act, her, along with the kids and everything else in the house.

then i started dating. there's plenty of fish in the sea and not all of them are the one that you'd want to spend a decent portion of your life with. you've got to test the waters, you need to be playing the field. you need criteria. if a person can fill 90% of what you want in an ideal partner then you're on the way to finding a winner. if they're filling 100% you've either set your sights too low or maybe deluding yourself.

tell your friend that the internet is your friend. it's fantastic for sifting through the dross. even more so for a female. at present and certainly more so in the future you don't want to met someone in real life and invite them home for a coffee. because then they know where you live. sus 'em out on the net first. chat to them for a few weeks. if they say one thing one day and then something to the contrary days or weeks later then you know there's something fishy.

there's plenty of players out there. and if you ever catch one out you're better off breaking off contact and never replying to their emails. EVER. don't puff yourself up full of pride and throw it in their face that they've been a liar. because then they'll learn from it. and they'll improve and have a better chance of fooling the next victim.

a case in point, i had an (offline) female friend who was being 'romanced' online. the guy made himself out to be something he wasn't. i checked out the facts. it wasn't hard, he was practically making himself out to be a billionaire. and found nothing. that as well as the things that didn't make sense to my friend (she had also spoken to him a few times on the phone... he was in the US) and she pretty much figured he was a fraud.

i told her to cease all contact. but did she? nooooo. she had to have the final say. women!

tell your friend to look at the bigger picture. see where she is now, where she wants to be a year and five years from now. look at what he's doing. and swear off men for a while.

when she's ready to get back on the horse she should date. but not fall head over heels in love at the first chance.

i was happy with who i was and where i was. and after having knocked back about a dozen women who all thought that we had something special and we really connected i was pretty much starting to doubt that i'd find MY perfect partner. i didn't feel the same way about these other women as they felt about me. then all of a sudden, WHAM, there she was.

i didn't come across as too eager though. she was about to leave the country in four weeks.

that was in 2003.

now we're married. and the four kids from the previous marriage are now living with us. 9 months after getting married she became an insist mother of 4 kids under the age of 12.

[Asmodeus]

rough call. but I'd say shes going to have a really rough time there. for one, most guys don't enjoy the concept of raising another guys kids, let alone 4 of them. then, theres always going to be that division between them, since the kids are alway sgoing to come first, and since they require a lot of attention on teh mothers part, whats left for the guy. yeah, its going to put a big cramp in things first off.

best of luck to her tho. best bet is to find a guy in teh same situation and start their version of the brady bunch.

[Tigress]

I know you wanted a male perspective, but this is my Dad's perspective...

He and my Mum separated (and eventually divorced) when my brother and I were really young (my Dad got custody of us both) and he will only date people who have kids.

His reasoning is that only someone who has had kids will understand that kids will always come first. Someone without will NEVER understand that. It doesn't matter how many kids anyone has, it's the understanding of the position your own kids take in your life that counts.

Sure, a partner will be significant, but your own children will occasionally require you to drop everything to help them every now and then and without that acceptance there will never be the closeness/connection that is desired, due to a lack of understanding.

[beowulf437]

It's kind of funny how some people react to children, I guess since I was from a big family I have always liked kids. By the time I was 21 the wife and I had three children and a foster child and we were still wanting more.

Most younger people these days come from small families with just one or two kids and often never had much younger siblings to look after or really had to share that much.

If your friend could find someone from a large family or has children themselves it would be much better for her. In the long run though friendship is much more important than romance in a relationship, so she should really be looking for a friend first and formost.

[m0loch]

So...Here's my take on it. Having been involuntarily thrust back into the singles scene. At my age (36) it seems that most women my age either have been married and have kids or they have serious issues or in some cases both. Having been married and having kids doesn't put me off. It's just a fact of life. Having issues definately puts me right off, but I can understand it. I was devastated by my divorce. I thought it was the end of my life. I had a good friend that showed me some tough love, convinced me to pick myself up by the bootstraps and I was able to pretty quickly figure out that I wasn't defined by my marriage.

What I see from the situation that you posted is a guy who wants to get laid, sees the kids as an obstacle to getting laid and is resentful of them. He isn't in it for a long term relationship and your friend needs to realize that and figure out if she wants to continue it or not.

[Bostonmess]

I'm not really into babies and don't want 'em. I don't mind younger kids though and they get along with me too.[/True story] How old's your friend? Does she like giving blow jobs? Depending on the answer to these questions I'd been round there like a shot (if I knew where there was). Unfortunately for her, I'm a fat ugly bastard so she wouldn't be too pleased. :D

P.s. Tell her not to act too clever, it can put blokes off :D

[Glompbot]

If your friend could find someone from a large family or has children themselves it would be much better for her. In the long run though friendship is much more important than romance in a relationship, so she should really be looking for a friend first and formost.

I don't think this is always going to be correct

I have 2 sisters and a brother... and I never want to have my own children.



Some people just like family and caring.... some don't.

[locust]

She then got into a relationship with another guy who at first was a tosser and would sleep with her but tell her that he wasn't into having a relationship and wouldn't be seen in public with her. After a while, he stopped being such a tosser and committed to the relationship and they've been together for about 18 months now.

They still live in seperate houses and although there has been some talk of them buying a place together, nothing has ever come of it, mainly due to him finding excuses.

I don't understand.

In the beginning, he was honest and upfront about what he wanted - a bit of private fun, no public appearances, no committment.

Later on, he became either confused or deceitful and keeps on alternating between leading her on and pushing things back.

But his behaviour towards the beginning lands him in the "tosser" camp?

[repeat]

Would you consider a relationship with someone like my friend? If not, would it be the kids or the fact she was previously married that would put you off?
It wouldn't bother me at all if she has been married or has kids.

[tikdoph]

If she's so "very clever", why the fuck did she marry a wanker? And if she's so "very clever" how did she then end up in a relationship with a tosser?

She sounds like a complete fucking bimbo, with the emphasis on the "fucking".

[Chrissy]

If she's so "very clever", why the fuck did she marry a wanker? And if she's so "very clever" how did she then end up in a relationship with a tosser?

She sounds like a complete fucking bimbo, with the emphasis on the "fucking".

I meant she is academically clever and fully able to hold down a well paid job if she didn't have the constraints of children. I didn't say she had a built in 'spot the complete wanker' detector.

Her husband appeared at first to be a really cracking guy, until he turned into a freak who wouldn't allow her out of the house, wouldn't let her see her friends, expected dinner on the table when he got home from work and banned her from seeing her entire family. That's when she divorced him.

After her divorce, she became very depressed and chose the first guy who paid her a bit of attention.

I'm not saying she picked the best guy (or guys) of the bunch, I was asking peoples opinion on whether a women with baggage can still be attractive. I didn't ask you to comment on her ability to choose a great bloke.

Keep your opinions to yourself unless you can offer something constructive which on this occasion, you quite obviously can't. You don't know my friend and I am perfectly sure that if you did, you'd feel pretty bad about calling her a 'complete fucking bimbo'.

[Chrissy]

I don't understand.

In the beginning, he was honest and upfront about what he wanted - a bit of private fun, no public appearances, no committment.

Later on, he became either confused or deceitful and keeps on alternating between leading her on and pushing things back.

But his behaviour towards the beginning lands him in the "tosser" camp?

There is a bit more to it than that, but I agree, perhaps I was a bit harsh calling him a tosser for his actions at first although that's what it seemed like at the time. I think it's because I am totally biased towards my friend!

I have to say that I actually quite like this guy, he's funny and for quite a while he was a great bloke. he respected my friend and it seemed like a really good relationship. I just wish that now he would be honest about his feelings and stop being nasty in the hope that my friend will end the relationship first and he won't have to deal with the guilt.

[SOC]

Attraction is attraction, whether someone has baggage or not.

Some years ago I started seeing a woman I was VERY attracted to, who had a 5-year-old son (she'd never been married, and the boy's father had died). The son and I got on quite well, but he was very clingy ... sometimes he'd throw fits when his mother and I were about to go out, which more often than not led to us staying in. We spent 6 months trying to make things work, but in the end the son just made it way too hard. Which is a shame, because we both wanted something long term.

Anyway, my point is that a woman having kids really doesn't matter to me, as long as the kids don't deliberately get in the way of her forming a new relationship.

[metalgod]

I'm 26 I say... what are the kids like? are they sweet reserved and caring... or like little maniacs running around out of control?

If she is as pretty and wonderful as you say she should have a decent shot at finding someone if her kids are adorable and polite.

[King_Crud]

if the kids were locked up until the age of 18 then maybe i'd go out with her

[sperm]

Yeah, I would say her best bet is getting a 'second time' around guy. Unless she finds a single guy into the whole instant family thing (and I say avoid those!), shes barking up the wrong tree chasing them.

Before I was married and had my own children, I knew I could never love another mans children as my own. Now being a father, I know children grow on you, and given the right chemistry, almost any child you could grow to love even if they werent your own genetic material.

When the family unit breaks down it is a sad thing, but it is far more common and acknowledged; and you friend needs to realise that she is not as isolated as sher might imagine. Patience and I think she will find the right man, she just needs to adjust what she may think that kind of man is .....

[Sagacious]

I've been involved in Family Law for coming on 10 years now so I have a somewhat different perspective perhaps.

The people who make a go of relationships a second time around when there are children from a previous relationship on one the other or both sides (regardless of how mayn and the grouping) tend to be in the relationship with a kind of abandon that disregards considerations of how their lives were prior to embarking on the relationship.

That is to say that the person with whom they have formed a relationship has casued a paradigm shift in their way at looking at life and vice versa and the relationship (kids and all) is what they want from life.

What your friend's boyfriend/lover/partner/asshole/whatever needs to realise that your friend comes with children and if he wants her he needs to understand that they are an indivisible part of the package.

What your friend needs to realise is that she needs to make space in her life view for her man and give them time as a couple to develop their adult relationship and by that I don't mean stress testing bedsprings whenever the opportunity presents.

There is a good reason why Family Court contact orders tend to follow an alternate weekend and half school holidays type format or some variation on that theme. It is because it is unfair to the children to deny them contact with their non resident parent but also allows the resident parent a respite from being a full time carer for the children and for building a life as an adult. The formulation is good for the children first and foremost and as a side effect has benefits for the parents.

She needs to be clear that it is a question of 'Love me - love my kids' and he needs to be clear about what he wants for his future and if it does not include kids (hers specifically) he needs to stop wasting his time and hers and find another person to torment.

On a purile note however you said she was good looking - got any pics?

[Javaira]

OK, IMO being a parent is indivisable from who you are.

It defines you in the same way your sense of humor, your height, your upbringing, etc define you.

If you are in love with a woman who is a mother, you have to be in love with the fact she is a mother. If you don't then you don't really love her. You can still love her for being sexy, smart and other non mum related reasons aswell, but she is and always will be a mother.

I think that women who have children can be attractive to men who haven't had kids. In fact 2 friends on mine married were in that exact situation. He refers to the kids as his kids and takes on equal responsibility. He also thinks he got a great deal, being a Dad without the sleepless nights and nappies.

[tikdoph]

Shouldn't this thread be titled "Divorced women and single guys"?

Otherwise it looks like it's about having affairs.

[berserk]

I had a good friend that showed me some tough love, convinced me to pick myself up by the bootstraps
He demonstrated that homo sex can be a pain in the anus?

Chrissy, they're 7 and 6 years old you say? Are they well behaved & normal? Can I keep the boy? I love kids, but can't stand babies. I'll promise to raise him as a LFC supporter too!

All joking aside, 4 kids is a lot for any single man to assume responsibility for (maybe not financial, but the emotional responsibility of being the man of the house). His reaction is uderstandable once your friend brought up moving togather.