Dealing with death in your family

[yobsta]

I just got the call that my mother just passed away..im feeling really shit.
I work in the funeral industry but havent had it happen to anyone in my family till today.
I thought i would be able to cope knowing that she had been feeling crook for awhile and i really thought i was prepared for it.
I guess i was wrong...how do you all cope...its really fucked when it happens

[thingy]

I feel sorry for you mate. We're all here for you. :(

You can't really prepare for such things, especially when it happens to people who you are so close to.

The way I deal with such things is I keep going. I've taught myself that when something bad happens there's no point moping around. Sure you need time to accept it and deal with it, but regrets and depression only make things worse. I've traught myself to grab what I have, and take things from there. In a way it could be seen as me avoiding it, but it also keeps my mind on other things, keeps me distracted and makes it easier for me to get through such times. This is simply what works for me, though.

[r0p3 g1rl]

I just got the call that my mother just passed away..im feeling really shit.
I work in the funeral industry but havent had it happen to anyone in my family till today.
I thought i would be able to cope knowing that she had been feeling crook for awhile and i really thought i was prepared for it.
I guess i was wrong...how do you all cope...its really fucked when it happens

sorry to hear that

in all honestly my dad died 12 months ago and im still trying to deal with it now

day by day it get easier and one day you will deal with it

have you thought about seeing someone about it? someone to talk to

[chip256]

Last year both of my grandfathers died.

I was planning on typing something useful but then I just realised that I basicly ignore everything that goes on in that regard. As one of the characters in Final Fantasy (4, I think) says, "In this world there are many people who have killed their emotions long ago."

That's pretty much the way I handled it.

[catt]

Sorry to hear about your Mum :(
as for being prepared I don't think you ever can, even when a loved one has been ill, try and concentrate on all the good memories you have of her ;)

[Girl.]

I agree with thingy, the best way to deal with death is to keep busy and not let yourself wallow. I find that the worst part is trying to get through the space between the death and the funeral - after the funeral, you feel a bit more calm and able to get on with things.

My uncle died just before Christmas last year, and while I wasn't close to him my dad (his brother) was absolutely devastated. He occupied himself with planning the funeral
down to the smallest detail though, and I think it kept him busy and stopped him from sitting around being miserable.

[thingy]

Although I said to keep busy, don't let yourself get too busy. You do need time to reflect and wallow, just don't allow it to consume you. Make sure you have something there that needs to be done to distract yourself and get you out of the wallowing.

[beerbaron]

Fell for ya too mate
i still havent got over my fathers death almost 3 years ago...
everyone is different in hey they handle it, worst thing to do is to bottle it up inside
talk to someone about it, dont be like me where its tearing my relationship with g/f apart to the point where at times i want to break it up and start being single again...
You just need someone who will listen, they dont even have to offer advice.
Lastly
condolances to you and your family...

[Arcane1]

Ii just finished doing the typesetting and layout of a book for a client of mine on dealing with this exact issue. I guess the good thing about looking at 400 pages of text for hours is that you learn something eventually.

The bottom line of their (the authors) message is that everyone reacts differently, and everyone has to be allowed to process their loss and grieve in their own way. No one can tell you how to do it or how long it will take to "get over it". Anyone who says so is full of shit.

One thing that I have learned is that the routine of having that person in your life is now broken, and there is a huge gaping hole there. It is impossible to fill that hole, and ignoring it won't make it disappear. Acknowledging it, and appreciating what created it may give you a better means to deal with it though.

No matter what, it hurts, and it will always hurt some. Someone who was a integral part of your life, for your life cannot just leave it without trauma. Focusing on all of the good things, all the positive things can help. Sitting in a corner and crying for a day or two may also help. I can't think of a harder loss to bear, my heart is out to you.

[BtrFly]

condolences to you and your family yobsta. it cant be easy.

i havent lost someone physically since my grandmother passed away more than 11 years ago. i was 12, so it really was a case of oh. my grandma died, i loved her, but realistically i wasnt emotionally formed enough to have it consume me in a way that it would now if i had known her for that much longer. Sure i cried, but that was about the extent of it.

I find that if something is bothering me, or i am upset, i keep myself busy, and my mind off it. sure you will think of it at times, because she was your mother, and she was such a pivotal role in your life. But you have to continue on, and make your mothers memory proud. she loved you, and wouldnt want to put you through more pain than you would be necessary. honour your mother, dont become depressed. make your life full of fun and laughter, and you will find that happiness will follow.

i wish you luck, and if you ever need to talk, i am sure the lovely people of zgeek will help you in your time of need. *hug*

[rin]

*hug* i'm sorry to hear that yobsta :(

my grandmother died in january this year and i don't think i have fully accepted it. She was also sick and we knew there was a high chance she would not survive the operation she had. But it was still a shock to the system when we heard she had passed.

I took a few days off work, just to get myself together. During this these few days, i spent time with my partner, my immediate family and also helped plan the funeral with my extended family. Talking about things really helped me get through it all.

We had a wonderful funeral for her - did things the way we knew she'd want them. We carefully chose songs and things she loved. I am lucky I have a huge extended family. All my aunts, uncles and 30-something first cousins all attended the funeral.
We helped eachother get thru this as we all talked about the good times we shared with her. I felt so much better after the funeral, cos there was some closure.

However, each day, there are times when i still think about her and have to try to come to terms with it (particularly when attending family events). But just remember you are still living (even though you feel part of you has died) and have those you love around you. Try to make the most of the times you all share together.

[Sagacious]

I just got the call that my mother just passed away..im feeling really shit.
I work in the funeral industry but havent had it happen to anyone in my family till today.
I thought i would be able to cope knowing that she had been feeling crook for awhile and i really thought i was prepared for it.
I guess i was wrong...how do you all cope...its really fucked when it happens

You need to give yourself the time to feel like shit rage against the world and howl at the moon at the injustice/absurdity/futility of it all.

You also need to remember you are not alone in your grief and despite what you might think about labouring others with your grief it is true to say that a trouble shared is a trouble halved (I guess that's why their caled cliches because they ring true).

Embrace your family and those who share your loss...remember the positive things she brought to your life and make your rememberanc of her a celebration of her life rather than a mourning of her death.

Get involved in planning the funeral but try not to immerse yourself in the process to the extent that it is overwhelming (being in the industry will probably help you in that).

As selfish as it might sound you also need to make time for yourself to do things that will strengthen you in this time of sadness whether that be going to the pub with your mates or surfing or nude skydiving if that smokes your tyres.

It is never something you can prepare yourself for...you can expect it to come but no matter how much you steel yourself against the expectation of it you always find yourself unprepared and if you are a control focussed individual (like myself) that feeling of powerlessness does nothing but compound the feelings you are experiencing (and not in a good way).

Life...you either get up and live it, squeeze the maximum out of it and live it to the full or be surprised when the end comes, they present you with the bill and ask you to settle up.

[piggle]

sorry to hear that
when ever i feel extremly sad, i read..i dont know why, i just read a hell of alot when im sad. It sorta takes you away from the situation your in at the moment..well it does for me any way.

[Manshoon]

Lemme see....Ive lost both grandfathers and my dad as well as a great uncle who I was close to. Dad was by far and away the hardest and I cant honestly say Im over it. My family was very close and I watched my dad waste away from lung cancer.....

That was 7 years ago now.....and I get a nice reminder every year about it now. My dad died September 11 1998......Do you know how much I hate all the 9/11 bullshit that goes on!