Jokes about Law-Talkin-Guys

[ShinymetalASS]

Since 99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name, and with Smod approval (;)) here is the place you come to take the piss out of those people you love to hate. And you know for once Im not referring to banks, insurance companies, organised religion, real estate agents, conservatives, radicals or other such annoying groups :D

This is one I posted a while back in jokes but it still makes me laff. Saves you the trouble of fishing through that lengthy joke thread too.

What can a duck do that a goose cant*, but you wish a lawyer could?

Stick his bill up his arse.

EDIT: *May or may not be factually correct due to lack of ornithological qualifications on the part of the poster. :D

[Blink]

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

[Sagacious]

Four Reaons lawyers as opposed ot rats should be used in medical experiments and vivsection:

1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. Animal rights activists have no difficulties with lawyers being subjected to cruel and inhumane experiments;
3. There is no chance that the scientists coducting the experiments will become emotionally attached to the lawyer;
4. There are just some things that rats will not do.

[Tintin]

I'd prefer not to be involved, to be honest -- for several reason, the main ones being that a) I'm still at Uni, and b) although I've started working for the firm I will work for next year as a graduate lawyer, my experience is in Planning and Environmental Law and commercial law such as Mergers and Acquisitions. I don't think that I would be particularly helpful in criminal/conveyancing/family matters.
Add to that list the practical difficulties in making forum entries billable.

Having said that, I have heard that the Law Institute recommends a rate of $50 per smiley. :D

[druid]

What do you get when you put a room full of lawyers?

A collection of highly educated legal professionals.

[Davo_Dinkum]

If a tree falls in the woods and it kills a lawyer, does anyone care?

[frednurk]

What's the diff between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a scum sucking bottom dweller- and the other is a fish.

[Fitty]

Hate to kill the hilarity, but have any of you ever had an experience with a lawyer to justify the jokes? Sure, they're funny, but I just wondered.

[dozer]

try working in support for a law firm, death is too good for these people, and i use the term 'people' loosely.

[Asmodeus]

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the attorney rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defense. "What new evidence could you have?" said the judge. The attorney replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

A man walks into a bar and exclaims "All lawyers are assholes!" and is met with a round of cheers and applause. As he sits down this giant of a man walks up to him and says "Hey, I resent that statement you made when you came in!" The guy looks at him and says "Well I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?" The giant man says "Hell no, I'm an asshole!"

Q: Whats the difference between a mafioso and his defense attourney?
A: the attourney is the one wearing the italian suit.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher

Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: "Good morning, your honor."

Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer?
A: An empty suit.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a football?
A: You get only three points for kicking a football between the uprights.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of it.

All shameless ripped from my posts in teh jokes forum

[Sashasword]

Fitty:(quote) "Hate to kill the hilarity, but have any of you ever had an experience with a lawyer to justify the jokes? Sure, they're funny, but I just wondered."

Um, I am living with one, does that count?
As for justifying the jokes, they usually become more and more accurate the more they get paid, and/or if they're old and bitter bastards.

On the other side of it, lawyers can get some really difficult cock-heads as clients sometimes. Probably what makes them bitter about it all....

[The Cunt]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

[kré]

how do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

take your foot off his head

either that or shoot him.

[dozer]

whats the difference between god and a lawyer?


god doesnt think hes a lawyer

[minorproblem]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

[minorproblem]

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue

[Uther Pendragon]

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and a lawyer. You have a pistol with 2 bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 6 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Golf practice

[iaidoka]

ahh i remember some a friend of mine once told me.. smartass probably cured death by now..

Q: What do you call a bus full of Lawyers driving off a cliff ?
A: Waste of a bus.

[Asmodeus]

Did you hear about the laywer that was too big to biuy in a jumbo sized coffin?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a matchbox.

Why don't lawyers like enemas?
They turn transparent.

Why do female lawyers have their period?
Becuase they deserve it.
http://gallery.zgeek.com/data/media/1/mathnotlaw.gif
A boy went to a librarian, engineer and lawyer with a simple question.
What is 1 + 1?
The librarian looked up a book and said "The answer is 2"
The engineer pulled out slide rules, calculators, etc and says "The answer is exactly 1.999987"
The lawyer leans over his desk, takes a 100 dollar bill from the kid and says "what would you like the answer to be?"

[Urban3300]

Wasn't this supposed to be a forum for "serious stuff"?

[Asmodeus]

yes, but call it lighthearted social commentary on an often reviled profession.

[sneagelman]

The revulsion is often misdirected... Ridiculous legal claims start with the idiots who make them. Then they get legs because of lawyers who:
a) Have nothing better to do
b) Want to get some media or
c) Are true believers in some cause, no matter how ridiculous

Most lawyers are boring people who sort out other people's messes... and get blamed for them

Why do we hate lawyers? Because we also hate laws. We can't trust ourselves to behave, treat others fairly, not harm others, etc., so we keep making more and more laws. And the longer the law books get, the more we are reminded of our own failures... and the more we need, and resent, lawyers.

End of sermon, let's get back to the jokes.

********

Famous old Mark Twain line:
It was so cold, I saw a lawyer's hand in his own pocket.

:fart:

[Asmodeus]

Hate for lawyers also stems from being on the receiving end of one. Yeah, there are some good guys out there. then again there are also a plethora of schumbag ambulance chasers.

Definition of a shyster
When the Law is against him, he pounds on the facts.
When the Facts are against him, he pounds on the law.
When both are against him, he pounds on the table.

[kré]

Wasn't this supposed to be a forum for "serious stuff"?
what are you, a lawyer or something?

[Afro88]

Why do we hate lawyers? Because we also hate laws.

For some reason I read that as: Why do we hate lawyers? Because we also hate jews.

[frednurk]

Hate to kill the hilarity, but have any of you ever had an experience with a lawyer to justify the jokes? Sure, they're funny, but I just wondered.

If you can find an altruistic lawyer you are doing pretty well.

( Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.
Zoology. Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of the species.
adj : showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others. )

If your situation ain't a win/win for you and your lawyer-- you have a problem.

[Deimos]

If you can find an altruistic lawyer you are doing pretty well.

( Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.
Zoology. Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of the species.
adj : showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others. )

If your situation ain't a win/win for you and your lawyer-- you have a problem.
Actually, nearly all of the lawyers I have ever met have been really quite altruistic and very nice people. Although he is my uncle :) (the rest are law students...)

[Tintin]

Hate to kill the hilarity, but have any of you ever had an experience with a lawyer to justify the jokes? Sure, they're funny, but I just wondered.
Well my brother is due to join the ranks of lawyers this year. He's got antisocial personality disorder such that he has a profound lack of any concept of other peoples' feelings, but an acute sense of his own. He harasses the women in my family and treats our cats in a particularly disrespectful manner. He does not hesitate in cheating or being dishonest for even the most minor personal gain. He has aggressively bullied my dad into doing all his law assignments over the last 5 years, and coaching him for the exams. My brother rarely opens books about the law. My dad is an engineer working full time and is almost 60, with no formal training in the law. However, my brother is intelligent and has a good short-term memory and is able to get good enough marks reach the subject pass marks. In fact, he performs particularly well in the ethics exams because he is expert in using those principles in reverse. He regularly threatens family members with legal action for very minor things (e.g. I took a photo of his car once on a public street). My parents have assisted him in purchasing three cars (including one Porsche), and he threatened to report me for theft when I borrowed one car (not the Porsche, a Mitsubishi Magna 1987) to go to uni in an emergency once. He's already said he'll contest my parents' wills irrespective of their contents. He hopes that that will happen sooner rather than later. In his courtroom experience, he holds no sympathy or empathy for the victims of crime. When one of our neighbours was murdered, his only concern was the date on which the trial would start.

He mantains a gentlemanly facade to the outside world, and is regarded by his peers and mentors as a potentially highly successful lawyer. He is admittedly very good at cross-examining family members, at which is quite practised.

He's only one example but I know of many other lawyers who have screwed up peoples' lives or acted incompetently, even if the people have been completely innocent of any illegal activity.

[Girl.]

An engineer dies in an accident and goes to Hell. Within a few days, he installs air conditioning, builds some refrigerators and ceiling fans and pretty soon, life in Hell is cruisy. Satan is happy and he calls God up to gloat.

"Hey, man, things are great in Hell; we have ducted air conditioning now and this engineer has even installed a fridge, so my beer is always cold."

God is furious: "I demand that you hand that engineer over immediately, or I'll get a lawyer and sue!"

Satan just laughs: "Yeah? And where are you going to get one of those from?"

[Tintin]

More evidence from a business card I found on a recent holiday of mine in New Zealand:

[haiironezumi]

Q: What's the difference between a Lawyer and a Hooker?
A: The Hooker stops screwing you if you die.

[Sagacious]

If you can find an altruistic lawyer you are doing pretty well.

( Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.
Zoology. Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of the species.
adj : showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others. )

If your situation ain't a win/win for you and your lawyer-- you have a problem

Actually, nearly all of the lawyers I have ever met have been really quite altruistic and very nice people. Although he is my uncle :) (the rest are law students...)

Actually many of the lawyers I know devote significant time and resources doing pro bono work. Now whilst some of the pro bono work I do is involuntary there is a voluntary proportion which I guess qualifies me as guardedly altruistic.

[sneagelman]

For some reason I read that as: Why do we hate lawyers? Because we also hate jews.
Choose source of the problem:

A. May need to clean your screen
B. May need to clean glasses
C. May need to clean your mind
D. May need to clean your white hood and cape

Why in the world would you read my post THAT way. Yeesh.

[dozer]

Actually many of the lawyers I know devote significant time and resources doing pro bono work. Now whilst some of the pro bono work I do is involuntary there is a voluntary proportion which I guess qualifies me as guardedly altruistic.

ah

whats the difference between god and a lawyer?


god doesnt think hes a lawyer.

[cub]

If a lawyer and a banker were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

[throb]

Why is it that lawyers call what they do "practice"?

[Sagacious]

Why is it that lawyers call what they do "practice"?
same reason doctors, dentists, vets and accountants do cos if they keep doing it long enough maybe they will get it right one day

[Kez]

Hate to kill the hilarity, but have any of you ever had an experience with a lawyer to justify the jokes? Sure, they're funny, but I just wondered.
Yes.

[Sagacious]

Hate to kill the hilarity, but have any of you ever had an experience with a lawyer to justify the jokes? Sure, they're funny, but I just wondered.
Yes.

Well are you going to share your experiences Kez?

[skozombie]

I've had high priced lawyers threaten to sue me for doing absolutely NOTHING. I can't go into details (or they'll probably find out and sue me) but its left me with a distinct feeling that they are arseholes

[Girl.]

I've had high priced lawyers threaten to sue me for doing absolutely NOTHING. I can't go into details (or they'll probably find out and sue me) but its left me with a distinct feeling that they are arseholes

You do realise that it's the client trying to sue you, not his lawyer personally, right?

[Sashasword]

I like lawyers because they're good in bed. :)

[OrangesofDeath]

From "Philadelphia".

Q. What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

For some reason I read that as: Why do we hate lawyers? Because we also hate jews.

Me too. :(