50 Word Fiction

[Haggisboy]

A few years back I scored a freelance gig writing tiny tales for a website that pushed humourous content to cell phones and Blackberries. The whole idea was to concoct a coherent story with a humous edge in 50 words or less. Here's some from my archives - Haggisboy

THE SEER

His final quatrain was complete. Nostradamus could finally rest. It was arguably the most cryptic of his visions. A scourge of the future that would sweep the planet and leave no person untouched. He ran the lines over in his head and smiled: “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese, pickles onions on a sesame seed bun.”

THE CHIMP AND I

Like a lightening bolt, the first glimmer of advanced thought appeared in Cornelius’ mind. In an instant he was transformed from a simple chimp to the precursor to the fall of the humanity. His intelligence would open the door to a vast wave of chimp armies sweeping the globe. Man would be relegated to slave labor. “Then again,” he thought, “that orangutan's pretty foxy, and these bananas sure taste good.”

TONGUE TWISTER

The young pianist/composer stood before the admission board of the Paris Conservatory. His entire future and the potential of his contribution to the world of classical music lay before him. He stepped up to the piano and bowed to the esteemed members. "Thooday I wisth to perform my Hungarthian Rhapthody." Thus ended the early career of Franz Lisp.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

The commandos emerged from the stargate and immediately saw their enemy. The evil empire had used the gate to travel across the galaxy and enslave mankind. They approached the metallic speaker at the door to the enemy's lair. They sniffed the air. This was going to be difficult. The enemy's power was strong. "I'll have the Big Mac combo," the sergeant said, conceding defeat.

PUCKS AND FAVA BEANS

Screams of horror and revulsion filled the hockey arena as the crowd stampeded for the exits. Police poured over the boards, shoving aside the assembled players and dignitaries gathered for the opening ceremonies. It had become painfully obvious to everyone that inviting Hannibal Lecter to carry out the opening face-off was a bad idea.

THE COCOANUTS

The actors were ready on the set of The Cocoanuts. At the cue for action, Groucho looked at Chico and said “Now here is a little peninsula and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.” Chico responded “Why a duck?” The third brother chimed in “because the workers control the means of production.” Thus ended Karl Marx’s career in comedy.

[du_mm_yy]

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THE ADVENTURES OF SCRAPPY BEAR: Episode 1 (The Reckoning)
Scrappy Bear woke up, shook his silly big furry head and said to himself: “Gosh! Such a sunny glorious day! What adventures will I have today?”
Then he noticed something cold pressing against his paw. Under the duvet was a dead Hooker Bear.
“Looks like we’re going to the reservoir…”

[Haggisboy]

http://forums.zgeek.com/gallery/data/thumbnails/1/funny_bear.jpg
THE ADVENTURES OF SCRAPPY BEAR: Episode 1 (The Reckoning)
Scrappy Bear woke up, shook his silly big furry head and said to himself: “Gosh! Such a sunny glorious day! What adventures will I have today?”
Then he noticed something cold pressing against his paw. Under the duvet was a dead Hooker Bear.
“Looks like we’re going to the reservoir…”

Sick and twisted, but on the right track. Curiously, I like this one.

[du_mm_yy]

http://forums.zgeek.com/gallery/data/thumbnails/1/funny_bear.jpg
THE ADVENTURES OF SCRAPPY BEAR: Episode 2 (Speaking to the Dead)
It was a sunny day, which made Scrappy Bear feel very hot and bothered. The bundle he was dragging was wrapped up in an old blanket and bound with electrical cable.
“Goodness, I’m so thirsty. I’d love a nice cold glass of lemonade!” he said, pausing to catch his breath.

[Z-Man]

[I] head and smiled: “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese, pickles onions on a sesame seed bun.”

lair. They sniffed the air. This was going to be difficult. The enemy's power was strong. "I'll have the Big Mac combo," the sergeant said, conceding defeat.


You seem to have a thing for MacDonalds

[du_mm_yy]

http://forums.zgeek.com/gallery/data/thumbnails/1/funny_bear.jpg
THE ADVENTURES OF SCRAPPY BEAR: Episode 3 (Into the Deep)
When Scrappy Bear got to the reservoir he found he was all alone.
“I’ll just go to the end of the pier,” said Scrappy, hauling his heavy load the last few yards; but when he pushed it into the water it wouldn’t sink.
“Oh dear! What will I do now?”

[Haggisboy]

While there is no defined rule in place for 50 Word Fiction, the Scrappy Bear series seems better suited to the 5 Minute Fiction thread, but then again, who am I to bitch. The general idea of 50 Word Fictions is that the story be self-contained and limited to 50 (or 55 words) or less, and be funny, although twisted tales do seem to lend themselves well to the format also. It seems to me that if you break up a longer tale into 50 word chunks, you're not writing proper 50 Word Fictions.

[Haggisboy]

CROUCHING JACKASS

Chan Lee flew towards his opponent with falcon-like grace, his leg extended in flying-kick mode. He had watched dozens of martial arts films and was determined to become the next movie superstar. His kick connected his opponent square in his red nose, yet still he bounced back. Clearly this inflatable clown's Kung Fu was strong.

DUTCH

Dutch stood frozen with fear. On the outside he’d been one of the underworld’s most hardened criminals, yet here things were different. Here he was eyed by many. The water streamed over him. He wanted to bend over and pick it up, but dared not. Such was his fate after dropping the soap in the prison shower.

GRIN AND BEAR IT

Little Sally sat bursting with anticipation. The package she had sent away for loomed large before her. It looked awfully big for a camera. With wild abandon she tore it open, only to be ripped to shreds in a flurry of fangs, claws and fur. Thus ended George Eastman’s failed experiment with the Kodiak camera.

HISTORY REVISITED

Eric the Red stood at the helm of his Viking longboat as it sailed towards home. He smiled proudly thinking of the incredible deal he had just struck with the inhabitants of the new world. He couldn’t wait to break the news to his countrymen. He had secured his place in history as the Viking who sold Denmark to the Mohawk for a handful of wampum.

INVASION EARTH

One by one the soldiers of the US seventh battalion melted under mighty Zorak’s heat ray. Soon the Earth would be his. Suddenly the air was pierced by a shrill sound. “Timmy, if you don’t stop frying those plastic soldiers with that magnifying glass that’s the last time I’m going to buy you any!”

[du_mm_yy]

...the 'Scrappy Bear' series seems better suited to the 5 Minute Fiction thread... It seems to me that if you break up a longer tale into 50 word chunks, you're not writing proper 50 Word Fictions.
I get what you're saying but they're all exactly 50 words long and they're fiction. Yours are good: but because they all end with a punchline aren't they closer to jokes rather than fiction?
I actually did post in the 5 minute fiction thread but it's dead and it's ever so lonely posting in a thread all by your lonesome...
Anyway, like you said: "there is no defined rule in place for 50 Word Fiction" so I'll keep on with Scrappy Bear (he's not ready to die quite yet) and you keep your 50s coming too. Yay!

[du_mm_yy]

http://forums.zgeek.com/gallery/data/thumbnails/1/funny_bear.jpg
THE ADVENTURES OF SCRAPPY BEAR: Episode 4 (Sinking)
Scrappy started throwing rocks onto the dead Hooker Bear’s body but it wouldn’t sink.
“Gosh, this is no fun at all. Maybe air’s trapped inside the blanket?”
So Scrappy threw a particularly heavy rock and he distinctly heard the Hooker Bear’s skull crack. Looking up, Scrappy saw a Police helicopter...

[Haggisboy]

HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon; The little dog laughed to see such sport, and immediately begged his master for more of that Alpo with magic mushrooms.

KENTUCKY FRIED KILLERS

The two chickens sat side-by-side in their tiny cages above a chute to collect their eggs. Bored, one chicken asked “why do you think they keep us cooped up like this?” Pondering for a moment, the other replied “some say it’s for the eggs. Me, I think it’s because Colonel Sanders knows I’ll kill him if I get out!”

LITTLE JACK HORNER

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner, eating a Christmas pie; He put in his thumb, and pulled out a plumber, and said, now I can kiss my drain problems goodbye!

MAN OF THE WORLD

He had done them all. Columbians, Arabians, Russians, even some from the heart of Africa. He had experienced their most intimate and exotic juices. He was a morning man because that was when he was at his best. He was the most prolific of kitchen appliances. They called him Mr. Coffee.

METAMORPHOSIS

He sat before the typewriter staring at the keys. His eyes gave him multiple images. A rank sandwich sat nearby, sorely tempting him. He knew how to begin his story, but not how to select the keys, he had so many arms to chose from. Thus began Franz Kafka’s life of frustration as a cockroach.

[du_mm_yy]

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THE ADVENTURES OF SCRAPPY BEAR: Episode 5 (Dead End)
Little Scrappy Bear was running as fast as his stubby legs could carry him! He wasn’t sure where he was going, and deep down he knew it was silly to run from a police helicopter.
From somewhere in the distance he could hear police sirens, getting louder all the time.

[druckfugged]

She glanced shyly across the aisle of the bus as it made its way through the night. He smiled at her, running his thumb along the edge of the razor blade he had hidden between the index and middle fingers of his calloused right hand.

[du_mm_yy]

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THE ADVENTURES OF SCRAPPY BEAR: Episode 6 (Four Walls)
“Why did you kill her you sick piece of filth?” asked the very angry policeman.
Scrappy didn’t like the police station at all. He felt like crying, but decided to be a brave little bear.
The angry policeman slapped his face and spat on him. He was very cross indeed.

[Stan Kleir]

Pounding harder and harder but it still won’t budge. It was intact and moist yesterday, which makes this situation far more complicated. The nosebleed had stopped awhile ago but the ringing in the ears is endless, like the whistle of an approaching train. Would it be different tomorrow?

[Stan Kleir]

Desperation leads to unusual situations and every cent counted to getting away. Each gravely scrape brought this unpleasant experience closer to an end. A putrid smell and thick grit under the nails. Using kitty litter instead of the busted toilet was not a good idea and the saving was minimal.

[Haggisboy]

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

He stared at the open suitcase laid out before him. He was a master of unlimited disguises and it contained the tools of his trade. Countless sets of different noses, lips, eyes, ears and moustaches. It even contained different shoes, gloves and hats. He could go anywhere and not look the same twice. So why was it everywhere he went, people still knew he was Mr. Potatohead?

NEVER-NEVERLAND

Sirens and flashing red lights filled the late afternoon sky. Police swarmed over the Neverland estate. Anxious parents looked nervously through the gates as the commotion unfolded. It all started with a simple flyer inviting neighborhood children to a grand party. It was the fine print that set everyone's heart aflutter announcing that Michael Jackson would be blowing bubbles.

NURSARY CRIME

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go. One day Mary went to the nuclear plant and the lamb began to glow. It grew two heads and five inch fangs and said “now the world’s my ho.”

[du_mm_yy]

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THE ADVENTURES OF SCRAPPY BEAR: Episode 7 (Lights Out)
Despite the awful things Scrappy had heard about prison he was surprised to find it wasn’t that bad. He’d even made a new friend, a jolly big man who had not only complimented him on how plush his fur was but had also offered to give him some extra stuffing.

[Stan Kleir]

It wasn't meant to go down this way. Everything just didn’t add up, it wasn’t enough. They make me wait. I don’t know if I’ll make it. They don’t care. They just want their money. Oh gawd, here they come but I can’t take the beating. “Ticket please”.

[HAL]

Crazy Ron wired up the remaining parts of the transdimensional paradigm smashing time machine. “It is time” He exclaimed. I set the clock to 21.07.1997, we took our places and Crazy Ron hit travel. We arrived it had seemed at a convenient time. The Queen was eating some biscuits.

[Jack]

Flogbidigiitch the Razzler

One time in this place that was next to this thing there was a guy who liked to say ‘razzle’ and his name was Flogbidigootch “Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle Razzle” he said. Then one day he died of AIDS.

[Turgid Dahlia]

A little boy calls me a cunt. I kick him in the face, then lift him and throw him into the water, where he smashes against the hull and drowns. A woman runs up to the rails, screaming for her son. Turns out she's my wife. Embarrassing!

*

I swig at the beer, my other hand cupped around my genitals. Easing back in the chair, I let out a loud fart, and start to feel horny. I unleash my penis and examine it as it gets harder. Security guards rush from all sides, ejecting me from the store.

*

I run towards the crowd, screaming Allah’s sweet name within my head. Soon, for me, paradise. But what’s this? An exposed tree root! I am not dexterous enough to avoid it, and I sprawl headfirst into the dirt, exploding in a beautiful shower of jewels. Thinking of my mother.

[Haggisboy]

EXIT STAGE LEFT

The crowd sat silent as the music played. Everyone's mouths were agape. Paramedics rushed the stage to tend to the tripped up performer while his partners reached to pick up the wrenches, pipes and washers strewn across the stage. Thus ended the career of the all plumber band named In Sink.

* * *

SOMETHING TO CHEW ON

The two girls stood side-by-side staring out beyond the fence while the others frolicked behind them.

“What’d you bring for lunch?” asked one.

“Same-old thing. Leftovers,” replied the other.

“Me too. Every day the same thing. Cud, cud, cud!” she sighed while swatting the flies with her tail.

* * *

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

He walked into the dressing room and his teammates laughed. He stepped onto the ice and the crowd laughed. When he took the faceoff, the referee laughed. Between periods the zamboni driver laughed at him. And everybody laughed when he took a penalty and they announced his name. It was hard being a hockey player with a name like Jacques Strap.

[rbranson]

THE FARM WON'T LEAVE THE FARMER

He toiled in the streets of Manhattan, as a yellow taxi cab driver. He made enough money to afford an education and eventually became a real estate lawyer.

But he still hears the dispatcher barking in his car:

"A deed of sale on 45th and Royal Avenue."

Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ...

[rbranson]

HEALTHY FOOD CHOICES FROM THE OLDEN DAYS

My dad always married women who did not cook.

Luckily, my dad's sister always invited us over.

Once, she offered: "Pasta or beef?"

"Pasta", I replied.

And a swift shot on the head came from my dad's hand, with these words:

"You idiot! Take the meat, it's more expensive."

[rbranson]

WHAT'S IN A COLOR

As a 6-year old, I fell in love with a beautiful red pastic tractor in a department store window.

My Mum finally relented.

On to a another store with no sign in the front.

There it was, my tractor! Half red and half black.

From a place liquidating burnt toys.

[rbranson]

WHAT WE HAVE GATHERED HERE

My uncle passed away.

At the religious service, several eulogies were read by family members.

"He was a good man."

"He was like a saint."

"Clean, meticulous, caring and always neat."

Thank God.

His porn stash was super re-usable, with not too many cum shots on it.

[rbranson]

CROOKED BUSINESS

Is there a word more misused than the word "professional"?

So I went to see a professional massage therapist.

"Give me an extra $50, if you want junior rubbed as well."

The lady had bad breath, crooked teeth, and ugly feet.

How unprofessional.

[rbranson]

NOTHING TO FEAR, BUT A COUCH ITSELF

I am always wary of people who own old couches.

Especially the real puffy ones.

How could they be so puffy, after so many years?

I always fear the expansionist capabilities of enclosed, stale farts.

[rbranson]

OLD YELLAH

I finally realized why this old man always bought loose, brown
socks.

"Comfort", he said.

As he sat on the park bench, his trousers went up, exposing his
elastic-less, droopy socks.

A trickle of fresh urine made its way to the gaping brown receptacle.

[rbranson]

DOCTOR CROTCH

My pants ripped, between the legs.

Went to a tailor.

Told him I was a doctor.

The next day, I picked up my mended pants.

When I got home, I opened the bag.

A handwritten note, where the pants had been repaired, was
held by a pin.

"Bill, Doctor, CROTCH."

[rbranson]

THE MESSAGE WAS MEDIUM

We watched a film about ethics and good morals at our place of work.

Later, in the comfort of his office, the president explained how he had
obtained a homemade copy of the film, for free.

[Haggisboy]

WHAT WE HAVE GATHERED HERE

My uncle passed away.

At the religious service, several eulogies were read by family members.

"He was a good man."

"He was like a saint."

"Clean, meticulous, caring and always neat."

Thank God.

His porn stash was super re-usable, with not too many come shots on it.

I imagine this will be my fate.

[rbranson]

I imagine this will be my fate.

It could be worse.

You could be found dead in the middle of wacking off, with all of your porn stash exposed.

Not to mention your limp dick.

[Haggisboy]

It could be worse.

You could be found dead in the middle of wacking off, with all of your porn stash exposed.

Not to mention your limp dick.

This reminds me of an early episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry David's manager buddy Jeff suffers what he thinks is a heart attack and summons Larry to the hospital fearing that he won't survive and asks him to sneek into his house and remove his porn stash, lest he die and his wife Suzie should find it.

Complete comedic gold.

[Haggisboy]

MAGIC

He was the envy of children’s birthday parties. Tall, white and whiskered, only the orthodox were his enemy. Some called him Harvey, others called him Bugs. A six foot tall rabbit has all kinds of nicknames and kids everywhere loved it when he pulled a rabbi out of his hat.

* * *
ODD JOB

He lay helpless, his arms and legs tied to the bedposts. The only sound he could hear was the crack of the whip and the sharp clicking of her stiletto heels on the floor around the bed. Jaws, Odd Job, he had vanquished them all. His only regret now was introducing himself as James Bondage.

* * *
ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO

Stanley huffed and puffed as he rounded the bend. He was in excellent shape but running a relay and jumping hurdles while making sure his dress and heels didn't slow him down was exhausting. He promised himself that this would be the last time he would enter a drag race.

[rbranson]

DICK HEAD

His big cock stretched out his pants at the disco. The girls gawked, the men envied.

But, somehow, he still wound up returning home alone.

2:00 AM, sitting in his car, he pulls down his pants.

And takes a nice big bite out of the salami he had strapped to his thigh.

[rbranson]

THE LITTLE PONY THAT COULD

Mum bought me a riding toy-pony on wheels.

We were off to Europe on vacation.

My 5-year-old frame rode that little pony everywhere, even returning through customs.

Once home, terrible news.

The pony died during an operation where cheese, cigars, jewelry, meats and alcohol inexplicably surfaced out of its bowels.

[rbranson]

PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

Brownie was my Easter pet bunny.

But a few weeks later, Brownie was nowhere to be found.

At the dinner table, I asked Mum to pray for Brownie, wherever he might be.

Little did I know.

Brownie was merged with our meat sauce and was already swimming in my stomach.

[Kid_Lobotomy]

Marks of the Beast

He was at a pub, a glass of whiskey in hand. Out of the corner of his drunken eye, he saw her staring. When asked if he would help, he was happy to oblige. While wandering through the forest, he saw the marks of the beast. Herpes is a bitch

[rbranson]

Nicely done, Kid Lobotomy.

I was starting to worry that no one but Haggisboy and I were going to read this thread.

Please keep them coming.

And those of you who don't want to write (cause you're too busy rubbing your clits or nutsacks or whatever), why don't you provide some feedback.

Yeah, maybe the crap you find here is no better than in other places. So be it. At least we'll find out if anyone else is reading it.

[Kid_Lobotomy]

Thanks. I'd thought I'd take a stab at it. My day is so boring I need some form of creativity. 50 words is all the time I have.

False Pretenses

It’s a lonely night; the only sound is that of the rain hitting the windshield. She approaches the car and offers her services. Twenty dollars later, the only feeling left is that of puzzlement. Should a woman have broad shoulders and an Adams apple? Morbid embarrassment; should have jerked off.

[rbranson]

FINDING A GLORY HOLE


Jack wanted to see how low he could go.

He found a glory hole in the washroom of an abandoned train station.

Just as a toothless biatch started sucking him, 3 guys with their hardened wangs, moved towards him.

They too had found a glory hole.

[Jenglish]

COCK BLOCK

They didn’t know each other. It started on the dance floor and building up to this moment. They were alone in the parking lot. No time for pleasantries. Only a Trojan between them. Hot sweaty naked bodies clawing each other, then he appears out of no where. Mr. Police Officer.

[Haggisboy]

FINDING A GLORY HOLE


Jack wanted to see how low he could go.

He found a glory hole in the washroom of an abandoned train station.

Just as a toothless biatch started sucking him, 3 guys with their hardened wangs, moved towards him.

They too had found a glory hole.

You absolutely live and breathe porn, don't you?

[rbranson]

You absolutely live and breathe porn, don't you?

Not THAT kind. lollllllll

Haggisboy -- do you have a few more to share?

I love this format -- totally instant and disposable.

[Kid_Lobotomy]

She grasped the device as hard as she could, but her hands were trembling so much that she couldn’t hold it steadily. Thoughts of a bubbling brook calmed her nerves as the river began flowing. She reluctantly examined the device. Negative was the sign. She slipped by for another month.