I have to write a speech...

[MisterBishi]

..and deliver it, which I suppose is worse.

Not really sure why I'm posting this because I guess any advice I could get is pretty generic and common-sense, but I've clicked the button now so there you have it. I have a little under three weeks and I'm having trouble getting started, lousy speeches. :grr:

[Juice Biscuit]

In Australia we have these guys that ride around the city on bikes, they're pretty good at delivering.

[MisterBishi]

oh

[Juice Biscuit]

We also have Australia post.



But I don't think Australia post has a regional office in the UK.

[Benwah]

Stick to the format, make sure that you don't waffle or dumb it down take everything you write and cut it in half people don't want too much detail it bores them.

Introduction - body - conclusion

The only tip I have other than that is practise HEAPS, when I first started presenting I used to just practise on anyone, the family cat, the missus, mates, the mirror if you run through it 10+ times is cuts down the nerves and the number of mistake you can make. If you do run with powerpoint don't put all the text on each slide put points and expand on them (otherwise you might as well just give everyone a hand out and sit down with a grin on your face)

Enjoy it! it sounds corny, but if you get it right and deliver your message well it will feel good, watch the office episode when David Brent speaks as a motivator (end with 'simply the best' by Tina Turner) as a rough guide as to how NOT to present ;)

[ms edeity]

What is the speech for?

[The Cunt]

Throw us a bone here.

[MisterBishi]

Yeah I probably should have mentioned that, it's for my wedding - so the format is pretty much dictated by tradition. I'm not going to be too rigid with the order of thanking people, etc. because it gives me one less thing to worry about, and I'm not sure powerpoint is the way forward in this instance. :D

[Juice Biscuit]

Use numerical bullet points and a red pointer to rank the people you wish to thank.



Ensure you explain their rating or lack there of.

[The Cunt]

Is it about your career on the silent screen as a porn star (http://forums.zgeek.com/showthread.php?t=39564)?

[Benwah]

Pah! full Geek points if ya DO break out powerpoint at the wedding!

okay, ignore the advice I gave except the practise bit, do lots of that.

[The Cunt]

A glass of water. ALWAYS have a glass of water handy. Seeing that it's your wedding, make sure it's full of vodka.

[MisterBishi]

Yeah, I thought taking a sip of water after the initial greeting and then greedily necking the whole glass might be a good gag, but then I realised I'd probably throw it all down myself or over the father of the bride or some such.

[The Cunt]

I'd suggest The Cunt's Book Of Wedding Speech Wit.

Though most of it is best used by the Best Man.

It's guaranteed to get you laughs. And 100% of the time that I've been the Best Man and delivered my choice material I haven't been invited back in that role for my mates weddings for their second marriages.

[ms edeity]

The people at your wedding should already know you - and if they don't it's an aunt you'll never see for the next 5 years so do as you wish. Plus if you time it right everyone should be well on the way before speeches so they'll think you did brilliantly. Win/win.

[MisterBishi]

Yeah, I was at one on saturday and the groom is a good mate of mine who's both confident and hilarious, but I thought he made a mistake by having the speeches before people had a good chance to have a few drinks.

What's the deal with timing anyway? I thought the other day it might be better to have them after dinner so people have some wine in them but thinking about it now that my be a bit :wtf:

[druckfugged]

Start with a joke. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. By the time it gets around to the speeches people are in an "I'd really rather be drinking/tuning up the bridesmaid/outa here/where's the dessert" frame of mind, and you need to get their attention. Keep it brief- many's the wedding that sits forevermore on the memory as "the wedding where the father of the bride talked shite for thirty-seven minutes", (and you get to go after he does)...Say what you mean and be sincere- it's a time for applause; keep it simple and heartfelt and give them reason to applaud.

p.s. congratulations and best wishes for the future, man.

[The Cunt]

Start with a joke. I cannot stress the importance of this enough.
A photo of Snowball's itty bitty penis would be a good start.

[MisterBishi]

We've put one on each table because I couldnt get it blown up big enough to use as a prop.

[ms edeity]

Seriously though - have fun. The planning steals a little I think. You only have this occasion once - or twice...

Congratulations in all seriousness.

[plext]

Go after the dinner mate.

People are more relaxed and who the fuck says when it should be?

It's your bloody day, do it as you please.

No matter what, we're likely to throw stuff at you, so it really doesn't matter anyway.

[abelgold]

Use a prop. I like props.

I was asked to be MC at a mate's wedding and I made sure I turned up with one of the univeral remote controls with a bottle opener built into it and gave it to the Groom as a gift. Ｗｅｎｔ　ｄｏｗｎ　ａ　ｔｒｅａｔ．

[Cassa]

'I just flew in from the internet and boy are my cliches tired!'

Seriously though...I don't have any real advice except try not to make it too structured/wordy or you run the risk of contracting slackjaw when you stumble a word and lose your train of thought. I hope your wedding speech is better than mine was >_<

[druid]

David Brent had some good jokes for his speeches. Swap your notes with the best man to induce hilarity and include a pie chart or two. If you do it after the meal you can use the Oscar Wilde quote:


After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's relatives.

That old joker has some other food related quotes too.

[MisterBishi]

After dinner I may well be a bit tipsy myself :o

plext any more threats of projectiles and you're off the list :mad:

[Sagacious]

Get one of those little laser pointer thingies so you can single out hecklers or seruptitiously aim it at the bridesmaids dresses where the nipples should be.

[Directed]

My advice is: Give the speech before dinner. People will pay attention, and after dinner they probably wont. My favorite tactic is to start my speech sounding really serious, and have it be one of those jokes that people don't realize is a joke until the punchline. After softening them up, say your serious words. Remember: Speeches are damn boring and people don't like hearing them for too long. Think of what you really want to say, and then say it. Be as short as possible while allowing yourself to communicate the ideas you want to. Then sit down and shut up. That is all.

[abelgold]

hang your doodle out your pants.

[Sagacious]

hang your doodle out your pants.
then hang a napkin off it.


and don't forget the lasery pointery thingy

[abelgold]

then hang a napkin off it.


and don't forget the lasery pointery thingy

Jam the lasery pointery thingy up your doodle before hanging said doodle out your pants.

[SOC]

It's your bloody day, do it as you please.
WRONG!

Rule 1 is that it's the BRIDE'S day. Any man would be a fool to forget that...

[plext]

Hehe, while that is mostly true, I still subscribe to the view that he should do it as makes him comfortable.

[Bostonmess]

Someone sent me this the other day. You've probably heard it.

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and declares: "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

"You idiot!" the Englishmen replies angrily. "Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Just thought I'd share it :)

Went to a wedding a year or so ago. The best man's speech was funny. One of the gags he used was:

"The groom often told me how he wanted to see her in something long and flowing. Like river fucking Humber."

[plext]

That joke is completely unrealistic.


















No way the cops I've run into here would know what quattro means.

[Bifrost]

OK...I'm not married and never have been, so I have never personally had to deliver a groom's speech. I have been the best man at a wedding and I delivered a speech which I was pretty bloody happy with and which the folks at the reception certainly seemed to enjoy.

BUT - my gf and I have attended, just from a quick mental count, something in the realm of 15 weddings over the last 5 years. And I have another one coming up in September.

We have seen some great speeches and some pretty disastrous speeches as well as a lot of banal cover-the-tradition-and-be-done-with-it speeches. There are a few things I have picked up over these many weddings and I'll lay out the speech tips here:


Do NOT drink too much before the speeches. It's all very well to have a couple, but make sure you can keep your head together. After the speeches, go nuts, but sounding like a lout in front of your new extended family during a groom speech is very poor form.
The best groom speech is always honest & genuinely sentimental. A little humour is great, but this day is meant to be about the love between yourself and your bride, not about how witty you are. That said, I've (thankfully) never seen a groom cry during his speech.
Don't be afraid to look at your bride. You'll want to do it anyway, because your new wife will always be a very friendly face in the crowd and will make you feel a million bucks every time you look at her. What's more, when you look at her, the crowd will have an "awwwwwww" moment.
Fuck tradition - get the bride up to have a word herself (if she wants to that is). Every bride I've ever heard make a speech at her own wedding has been simply brilliant. Probably because they are usually very strong-willed and women who are willing to flip tradition the finger and make a speech, but if the bride makes a speech - particularly if you invite her up - it will make your wedding speeches far less staid (even if a couple of them are) and will be guarranteed to make 90% of the females in the audience pretty happy. Of course if your fiance doesn't want to make a speech, then I suppose don't worry about it. ;)
If the best man has taken a few swipes at you - make sure you have just one to take back at him, but do it before you get sentimental and don't make it too crass.
Remember that you are there, making a speech, to tell the world why you love your wife and why you want to spend the rest of your life with her.
If at all possible, have your speech edited by your mother. It means only one person in the audience will know what's about to be said and your mother will definately prevent you being too crass.
Finally - try not to go on for hours. Long speeches make the natives restless.
Right, that's about all I have. Other than that, I'd say be yourself. Your fiance agreed to marry you because you're you, so try not to do anything which is totally out of character for you.

[Sagacious]

OK...I'm not married and never have been, so I have never personally had to deliver a groom's speech. I have been the best man at a wedding and I delivered a speech which I was pretty bloody happy with and which the folks at the reception certainly seemed to enjoy.

BUT - my gf and I have attended, just from a quick mental count, something in the realm of 15 weddings over the last 5 years. And I have another one coming up in September.

We have seen some great speeches and some pretty disastrous speeches as well as a lot of banal cover-the-tradition-and-be-done-with-it speeches. There are a few things I have picked up over these many weddings and I'll lay out the speech tips here:


Do NOT drink too much before the speeches. It's all very well to have a couple, but make sure you can keep your head together. After the speeches, go nuts, but sounding like a lout in front of your new extended family during a groom speech is very poor form.
The best groom speech is always honest & genuinely sentimental. A little humour is great, but this day is meant to be about the love between yourself and your bride, not about how witty you are. That said, I've (thankfully) never seen a groom cry during his speech.
Don't be afraid to look at your bride. You'll want to do it anyway, because your new wife will always be a very friendly face in the crowd and will make you feel a million bucks every time you look at her. What's more, when you look at her, the crowd will have an "awwwwwww" moment.
Fuck tradition - get the bride up to have a word herself (if she wants to that is). Every bride I've ever heard make a speech at her own wedding has been simply brilliant. Probably because they are usually very strong-willed and women who are willing to flip tradition the finger and make a speech, but if the bride makes a speech - particularly if you invite her up - it will make your wedding speeches far less staid (even if a couple of them are) and will be guarranteed to make 90% of the females in the audience pretty happy. Of course if your fiance doesn't want to make a speech, then I suppose don't worry about it. ;)
If the best man has taken a few swipes at you - make sure you have just one to take back at him, but do it before you get sentimental and don't make it too crass.
Remember that you are there, making a speech, to tell the world why you love your wife and why you want to spend the rest of your life with her.
If at all possible, have your speech edited by your mother. It means only one person in the audience will know what's about to be said and your mother will definately prevent you being too crass.
Finally - try not to go on for hours. Long speeches make the natives restless.
Right, that's about all I have. Other than that, I'd say be yourself. Your fiance agreed to marry you because you're you, so try not to do anything which is totally out of character for you.

Good speeches have a theme in this case the theme is easy...your love for your wife, the optimism and hope you have for your life together and what it is about her that made you want to marry her...lets face it this speech (as with all the other wedding palava) is about the bride.

Good speeches strike the right tone for the occasion for which they are given. In this case the speech should be honest heartfelt and Jesus this is a wedding so sentimental is a requirement (why they make men give sentimental speeches I'll never know).

If you must include humour then make it relevant and make it appropriate. Better to have a low level gag running through the theme than a big series of punchlines and one liners. Tell funny stories not jokes.

If you have to have a shot at someone make it quick and make it funny get it out of the way but make sure you hit your mark. Never, ever fire the first shot.

And lastly brevity is the soul of wit...remember that and you will go far.

Now picking up on what Bifrost said about the bride speaking...my wife gave a speech at our wedding and well I reckon she stole the show...there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Most of all remember this is her day so let her know how special she is to you and all else is likely to be lost in the gushing of your audience.

Also remember the laser pointer thing (very geeky very funny totally inappropriate they'l love it)

[Arcane1]

Yeah I probably should have mentioned that, it's for my wedding - so the format is pretty much dictated by tradition. I'm not going to be too rigid with the order of thanking people, etc. because it gives me one less thing to worry about, and I'm not sure powerpoint is the way forward in this instance. :D
Simple formula: (keep it simple and easy to remember)
- Thank her Mother first, then her Father for their support (even if they haven't)
- Then your parents
- Everyone for coming, especially those that had to travel, be inconvienenced, etc.
- Something self depricating and humble about you
- Then heaps of praise on her

The easy part is that except for the part about the parents, is is probably mostly true, and easy to run through. And when you get to her you can gush all you want and even babble like an idiot, after all, that is what it is all about.

Good Luck Mate.

[druid]

WRONG!

Rule 1 is that it's the BRIDE'S day. Any man would be a fool to forget that...

Bollocks. There's two people getting married. Stop being such a bridezilla. :spingo:

[Whiskers]

Postpone the wedding. Forget the speech for now. Buy a ticket to Australia. Have a torrid affair with me.

[MisterBishi]

:greenman:

[lostreality]

i guess it wont be a secret affair then.

[MisterBishi]

Secrets are for communists.

[The Cunt]

Postpone the wedding. Forget the speech for now. Buy a ticket to Australia. Have a torrid affair with me.
You misspelled 'horrid'.

[Whiskers]

You misspelled 'horrid'.

Don't cast aspertions about my sexual prowess. I'm getting really good at 1st base.

[Uther Pendragon]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to The Cunt again.


Yeah I was under the misapprehension that a wedding is about both the bride and the groom........ until I was in the bridal party for my sisters wedding.

Despite what they might say it is all about the girl. The guys can just go get fucked at the end of the day, they are stage props and nothing more.

[kleph]

You could always simply use this speech. It's pretty short and I understand it went over pretty well...



Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war.

We have come to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those who died here that the nation might live. This we may, in all propriety do. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground.

The brave men, living and dead who struggled here have hallowed it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.

It is rather for us the living, we here be dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth.

[MisterBishi]

It would be pretty cool to start that speech and then pause with a confused look and turn the page and start the real speech, but I'd probably fuck it up.

[druid]

That would be a far better gag than the age old confusing-shopping-list-for-a-speech speech.

[The Cunt]

What are you going to read it off?

Palm cards? And after reading each one give it a toss a la Dave Letterman?

On a roll of toilet paper? Make it a real long speech and use the entire roll.

Use a teleprompter. And do it from behind the bridal table pretending to be a newsreader.

[kleph]

Well, this one might work better given the setting of the blessed event...


This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

[MisterBishi]

What are you going to read it off?

Palm cards? And after reading each one give it a toss a la Dave Letterman?

On a roll of toilet paper? Make it a real long speech and use the entire roll.

Use a teleprompter. And do it from behind the bridal table pretending to be a newsreader.

Ideally I'll do it from memory. Being the groom means I pretty much thank everybody, make sure they know I'm actually quite fond of my wife and then sit down. Shouldnt need too much in the way of reminders.

[dozer]

dont forget the mad props shoutout to all da homies at zgeek which shaped me intah da man you see here today, rahspekt.

[MisterBishi]

Of course not, that's the easy part of the speech.

[druckfugged]

Well, this one might work better given the setting of the blessed event...


This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

I would have thought the "Once more into the breach" speech from the same play might have been better suited.

[Mr. Bungle]

You must understand though the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl
Opposittes attract
It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore that it means more than that

What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

It may seem to you that I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If a tend to look dazed I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason you do it for me

What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

I've been taking on a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way

What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

this song was actually played by the shit DJ at my friend's reception. :confused:

[SOC]

Bollocks. There's two people getting married. Stop being such a bridezilla. :spingo:
You've never been married, have you

[The Cunt]

You've never been married, have you
Druid is... The Wedding Day Nazi.

[Mr. Bungle]

Druid is... The Wedding Day Nazi.
Does he have a special uniform?

[Boobmeister]

How'd it go?

[kré]

:o

[ms edeity]

:greenman:

[MisterBishi]

Got the divorce forms but I'm always procrastinating.

[Chrissy]

Fuck! That is so funny :oops: