Settling Down

[Whiskers]

:eclique:

Do you just 'know' when you are ready to be married?

Is there an acceptable amount of time before it is okay to discuss marriage with your partner?

Do I like the thought of massive fuck off diamonds? :clap:

[Hairyman]

I think you know when you are ready to progress to the next chapter in your life. This could be settling and getting married (or just shacking up) and having kids.

The partner that you are with may or may not be the right person for that. I've seen a lot of people trade in their old relationship that had stopped growing and started a new one that became the permanent one.

The stage of the relationship will determine the timing of the discussion of marriage, although I think a lot of people have tangential discussions about it before confronting it full-on.

Massive fuck-off diamonds are good. I had to go and choose everything myself. She said if I didn't get it right then everything was off. I'm *pretty* sure she was joking.

[Sutter]

Do I like the thought of massive fuck off diamonds? :clap:

I think if marrige makes you think of diamonds, you're not ready. Marrige should be about wanting to be with that other person for the rest of your life. Diamonds and whatnot are secondary, it shouldn't matter if you get married with an onion ring a'la the Simpsons.

[Whiskers]

I think if marrige makes you think of diamonds, you're not ready. Marrige should be about wanting to be with that other person for the rest of your life. Diamonds and whatnot are secondary, it shouldn't matter if you get married with an onion ring a'la the Simpsons.

You are absolutely right. I was just throwing in that comment to ensure that my heartless hussy persona can live on. :o

[Juice Biscuit]

When you don't wanna work anymore and want cheap bus rides then it's time to get your girl pregnant and on the pension.



Marridge should only come into play if you can ween more money out of the sweet deal.

[Whiskers]

Girl. is getting worried that I am actually going to get married.:secret:

See, the thing is, this beautiful boy is the first person I have been able to bring home. (Whole other topic- my parents need my boyfriends to meet a certain criteria). It is the first time I can actually openly talk about marriage without being worried about whether my parents will accept the guy or not.

I'm worried that we are getting ahead of ourselves only because we can.

[The Cunt]

I think a person should wait until they meet in real life before they pop the question.

[Girl.]

I'm only getting worried because I really, really can't imagine the resident zgeek e-hussy donning a white dress and marching off to church. The idea is actually a bit scary.

[Whiskers]

I think a person should wait until they meet in real life before they pop the question.

irc love-making is just as valid as real physical contact. Urban is not a 68yr old gay man. Don't shatter my dreams.

[imp]

I think you know when you are ready to progress to the next chapter in your life. This could be settling and getting married (or just shacking up) and having kids.

The partner that you are with may or may not be the right person for that. I've seen a lot of people trade in their old relationship that had stopped growing and started a new one that became the permanent one.

The stage of the relationship will determine the timing of the discussion of marriage, although I think a lot of people have tangential discussions about it before confronting it full-on.

Massive fuck-off diamonds are good. I had to go and choose everything myself. She said if I didn't get it right then everything was off. I'm *pretty* sure she was joking.

It feels right, as Hairyman put it. Knowing you can grow old with someone is a pretty strong feeling and it's hard to ignore, so sometimes it's best not to. :)

I think it's important these days to discuss marriage with the person you're with. If it scares them off then you know maybe they're not right but if they warm to the idea as much as you do, you may have found a winner. Kids is a big thing to consider to, Would this person be a good father/mother of my children?

I was less fussed with the size of the diamond and more interested in getting an engagement ring I knew was original and unique in design. The diamonds are a nice touch though, yes.

[Iceman]

Girl. is getting worried that I am actually going to get married.:secret:

Ok, it was barely a month ago you were looking for date suggetions (http://forum.zgeek.com/showthread.php?t=41525).

Try this 'relationship' thing for a couple years before you tackle 'marrage'.

Then we'll talk :)

[imp]

Ok, it was barely a month ago you were looking for date suggetions (http://forum.zgeek.com/showthread.php?t=41525).

Try this 'relationship' thing for a couple years before you tackle 'marrage'.

Then we'll talk :)
I think it's fair to say it's wise to live with someone for a while before even considering marriage.

[Glompbot]

Whiskers, the fact that you're planning a future with him just because its the first time you CAN reminded me of one of my ex's....

I was once with a guy when I was 14 (he was 18), who started planning our house that we'd have together, and the kinds of kids we have, and where we'd go....

I lasted for 8 months, and then dumped him... saying that I just didn't feel the same way and couldn't see the same things he did.


He recently recontacted me... its a little weird...

I don't think I could ever at the beginning of a relationship start planning my whole life with someone.

Marriage is not an option in my mind at the moment....

[druckfugged]

:eclique:

Do you just 'know' when you are ready to be married?

Is there an acceptable amount of time before it is okay to discuss marriage with your partner?

Do I like the thought of massive fuck off diamonds? :clap:

If you feel the need to ask these questions you aint ready. I could get on my soapbox and preach to you about making mistakes in life but, hey, it's your life- you can go ahead and make them.

[The Cunt]

Whiskers, the fact that you're planning a future with him just because its the first time you CAN reminded me of one of my ex's....

I was once with a guy when I was 14 (he was 18), who started planning our house that we'd have together, and the kinds of kids we have, and where we'd go....

I lasted for 8 months, and then dumped him... saying that I just didn't feel the same way and couldn't see the same things he did.


He recently recontacted me... its a little weird...

I don't think I could ever at the beginning of a relationship start planning my whole life with someone.

Marriage is not an option in my mind at the moment....

If Whiskers were 14 your little anecdote would probably be worth something.

[Whiskers]

Try this 'relationship' thing for a couple years before you tackle 'marrage'.



Marrage is fucking scary.

We're talking about marriage here.

:laughing:

[Iceman]

Marrage is fucking scary.

Amen to that


So I take it stuff's going well for you and your boy..

Or you're up the duff.. :sperm:

[Whiskers]

Amen to that


So I take it stuff's going well for you and your boy..

Or you're up the duff.. :sperm:

My aversion to marriage is crumbling, my hatred of children remains as strong as ever.

[Guest.]

:eclique:

Do you just 'know' when you are ready to be married?

Is there an acceptable amount of time before it is okay to discuss marriage with your partner?

Do I like the thought of massive fuck off diamonds? :clap:


I thought I did, didn’t really turn out how I expected it too but you live and learn. As for the acceptable amount of time it takes to talk about marriage, then I would really imagine it would differ greatly on the couple. Things like age, past experiences et al will have a huge influence on when this topic comes to the fore. You'll know when its right.

I think its probably more important to know what it is you want to get out of being married than the notion, romantic or not, is. I wish you the best of luck with whatever happens though.

[dwarfthrower]

Ja, if you have to think about it, it's probably not quite time yet.

[kré]

if you're still breathing, you're too young to consider marriage.

[Whiskers]

if you're still breathing, you're too young to consider marriage.

You'll forgive me for not taking advice from the resident cynic. Your rose coloured spectacles faded to black a long time ago. :o

This thread was meant to be a more general discussion about the idea and marriage and when it should/could/would be brought up with your partner.

I'm still unconvinced that there is someone out there who I believe could keep me on my toes for the rest of my time on this earth.

As for making life changing decisions, my current dilemma is which pair of $400 jeans I should purchase. :lame:

[ewe2]

I lived with my ex and children for a year and a half before we married. It was still a disaster. We still had the rose-coloured specs on, you see. What I learned was that if your proposed marriage doesn't have a practical base to it, particularly with money-management, it's doomed. If you cannot work as a team in such matters, forget it.

[kré]

You'll forgive me for not taking advice from the resident cynic. Your rose coloured spectacles faded to black a long time ago. :o

This thread was meant to be a more general discussion about the idea and marriage and when it should/could/would be brought up with your partner.

don't be so quick to dismiss my opinion on the basis of my being the 'resident cynic'. my comment was aimed at addressing that idea directly by saying that nobody is ever truly ready to commit themselves to living the rest of their life with one person.

I'm still unconvinced that there is someone out there who I believe could keep me on my toes for the rest of my time on this earth.

and therein lies my point. i don't think there is someone like that for anybody. most people just settle for the best one they find, but even the best one you could ever find would never be able to completely fulfil a desire to be loved and to love one person until the hereafter.

i could continue, but my opinion would never be considered valid by any of you since you all seem to think that i have stubbornly arrived at a conclusion without the ability consider other arguments, hence the 'resident cynic' label, i suppose. i have only made my mind up, like anybody else does, through my own experiences and through the experiences of those i am close to.

[Cassa]

Marriage is such an artificially constructed concept, I don't really know why anyone does it - not for themselves anyway, I get the feeling it's more to prove to the rest of the world how you feel.

[kré]

Marriage is such an artificially constructed concept, I don't really know why anyone does it - not for themselves anyway, I get the feeling it's more to prove to the rest of the world how you feel.
++

[astro]

Marriage is such an artificially constructed concept, I don't really know why anyone does it - not for themselves anyway, I get the feeling it's more to prove to the rest of the world how you feel.
Um... Aren't you married?

[Hairyman]

In the past, marriage was certainly an artificial social construct, mostly there for political reasons or to serve some function for you family within the society, not directly related to the two people concerned.

Marriage has become much different since the latter 20th century for most societies. People now marry for love as much as anything else. While this brings its own fragility, I believe that there are important things to be gained by entering into what is an unusually special covenant with the person you love.

Being prepared for marriage is not so much having all the boxes ticked for desirable charateristics before you start, but instead a willingness to travel through life with someone and grow along with them. Things will definately change as time goes past and there are different demands and requirements from both of you. Flexibility, but not submission, is the key.

People will change during marriage as the couple becomes more enmeshed and interstingly, what usually happens is that each partner moves toward having more of the idealised charateristics desired by the other.

Clearly it is not this way for everyone, as the divorce rates would attest. It is important also to realise what is not salvageable.

It is right to say that there is no one, single, person on the planet who is right for you, but that is all part of life. Marriage is not just how you start out, but what you make of it together.

[Cassa]

Yes I am married. It hasn't changed my relationship one iota. I did it for my parents and so I could change my last name.

edit: I should clarify, that's not to say I'm not in a happy relationship but the marriage was more for family reasons than for ourselves -we're just as happy either way.

[Bostonmess]

I'm not into marriage, don't like the idea of being ripped off. (By the church/registry office etc not when the divorce comes through ;)) In a way, in my eyes, spending money on it seems to cheapen the whole thing?* Maybe get some sort of free Pagan wedding type thing, if such a thing exists.

No offence to anyone who's married but I don't see much of a point to it, I've been living with my g/f for about ten years now, we got a huge fucking mortgage together about two years ago and I think that's commitment enough. Everything else is just paper and rings, if she wants jewellery I tell her to suck my cock, it's a gem :D ;)

I really love being where I am at the moment, saying that though, we could really do with a new toaster :D

*BTW don't get me started on funerals, at three grand some poor fuckers can't afford to die.

[FireHart]

:wtf:
I thought Whiskers was a lolesbian.

[ms edeity]

I am a realist with a touch of the cynic. I'm happy to take the plunge. I know what I want, who I am and what I'm getting into by now so it's a clear, eyes wide open thing. As for marriage being more of a commitment than living together - that's a load of bollocks. As for knowing when your relationship is right for you; it helps to have the strong early feelings - but as everyone else has pointed out - let life interfere a little over some time to get a better picture.

[d3kst3r]

I think marriage is too much of a drag. I don't wanna get married since it means I lose most of my freedom and excitement. On the other hand if I met a really hot chick with a great personality and I feel the connection with them to the point where I don't want to be with anyone else ever... then I'll consider it.

But right now it just seems a bit meh. Random drunken pickups FTW!

[imp]

I think marriage is too much of a drag. I don't wanna get married since it means I lose most of my freedom and excitement. On the other hand if I met a really hot chick with a great personality and I feel the connection with them to the point where I don't want to be with anyone else ever... then I'll consider it.

But right now it just seems a bit meh. Random drunken pickups FTW!

astro said the same thing to me about marriage when we first met. We were just discussing it off hand and now two yrs later he's engaged.
I think a lot of people who think they'll "Never!" get hitched or don't see it as a possibility on the horizon, just haven't met the right person yet. ;)

let life interfere a little over some time to get a better picture.

Nothing really shows you how strong your bond with someone is like a lot of shit being flung at you by life. We've gone through a LOT and come out even closer than we were before. It's good to know no-ones going to head for the hills during tough times BEFORE you get hitched. Less paperwork that way. :)

All I can say is damnit it feels right but it won't change much about anything. We're doing it for ourselves and no-one else. I don't think it's a good choice to marry someone to make others happy. :)

[Glompbot]

As I said to cassa the other night when discussing this topic...

I'd probably only accept a marraige proposal because I wanted the extra security.
This makes me think "Do I really want to be with someone who makes me feel like I need extra security that they'll stay with me?"

The answer is a resounding NO.

If a person feels they need to propose to me because they want to keep me with them, it would probably be a sign that couple-councilling would be in order.

[imp]

That's why, as I said, it's important to go through a lot of crappy stuff together before getting married. Life can throw some pretty horrible situations into the mix and coming out smelling like roses isn't easy.

IF you can pull it off though and be closer in the end of it then that should show you that you've got that security. Marriage won't give you that, look at how many people have affairs and divorce. It's safe to say anyone would be doing it for the wrong reason if they married someone b/c of insecurity. :) It's not a very healthy thing.

[Whiskers]

don't be so quick to dismiss my opinion on the basis of my being the 'resident cynic'. my comment was aimed at addressing that idea directly by saying that nobody is ever truly ready to commit themselves to living the rest of their life with one person.



and therein lies my point. i don't think there is someone like that for anybody. most people just settle for the best one they find, but even the best one you could ever find would never be able to completely fulfil a desire to be loved and to love one person until the hereafter.

i could continue, but my opinion would never be considered valid by any of you since you all seem to think that i have stubbornly arrived at a conclusion without the ability consider other arguments, hence the 'resident cynic' label, i suppose. i have only made my mind up, like anybody else does, through my own experiences and through the experiences of those i am close to.

No offence intended cray. Posts like the one above reaffirm to me that there is more to your posting than an unwavering negativity. Thanks for sharing that with us. :)

[Whiskers]

:wtf:
I thought Whiskers was a lolesbian.

:lesbians:

My loins will always throb for my e-girls.

But this boy is making me insanely happy.

[L]

Marriage is such an artificially constructed concept, I don't really know why anyone does it - not for themselves anyway, I get the feeling it's more to prove to the rest of the world how you feel.

Or to get the rest of the world to stop fucking asking:

"When are you two going to get married?"

But then you get married... The question changes:

"When are you two going to have kids?"

FFS the rest of the world are never happy! :banghead:

My wife and I have been married 7 whole months now... We have been in a relationship for 5 years... We have been best friends for 12 years.

You could say my wife knows my very very worst and my very very best. ;)

[L]

... If a person feels they need to propose to me because they want to keep me with them, it would probably be a sign that couple-councilling would be in order.

I was always a person who said they would never marry... Mainly because my parents were divorced and I was generally disillusioned with marriage and what it stands for traditionally .

All that being said, seven months ago I got married and, as part of the lead up, my wife and I opted to see Relationships Australia for their pre-marriage counselling. We didn't have any issues to address and we weren't worried about our relationship in any way. We wanted to make sure we both wanted the same things out of our future and I can tell you the experience was extremely beneficial.

I would recommend pre-marriage counselling to any couple that are considering marriage or planning to spend their lives together.

[Cassa]

I remember an age ago (just after engagement) discussing this with my dad (who for the most part is a pretty cool dude except for the time he showed BlueBoy photos of me as a kid). He said that while being married does add a bit of extra security he would hate to think that that's why I was doing it. It wasn't in my case but it's scary to think how many people for whom that may be a factor - the majority of people do marry for love, but we know from statistics that 50% of them don't make it, and I just wonder which camp has more people who thought 'now s/he has to stay with me' on their wedding day.

[BtrFly]

discussed, and yes i am the settling down type. i dont see it as "he has to stay with me now", i see it as an affirmation of love, and yes of commitment. if they want out, there is the door, and a divorce. but until that happens, i am trying not to be cynical.

that said, i am in no rush, especially not to have kids. cos frankly they annoy me to tears... how about we skip the whole 0-18 and then just have nice people to talk to :p

oh and good luck whiskers- enjoy the happiness your new boy can bring you :)

[gooey]

Marriage is such an artificially constructed concept, I don't really know why anyone does it - not for themselves anyway, I get the feeling it's more to prove to the rest of the world how you feel.

werd!

i think you will know when you want to and are ready to marry someone.

however, the actual marriage ceremony pisses me off.

when my gf and i get married it will be a BBQ by the beach.

why spend $40,000 on a marriage, when you could:

a) spend it on the honeymoon
b) put your (potential) kids through highschool
c) buy a car
d) so many more things than one day of champagne, over-priced flowers and painful relatives

[Hairyman]

Whiskers,

If this is still fairly early in your relationship, then you may want to wait until the rabbit phase has subsided before considerng long-term issues.

[Something Fast]

Girl. is getting worried that I am actually going to get married.:secret:

See, the thing is, this beautiful boy is the first person I have been able to bring home. (Whole other topic- my parents need my boyfriends to meet a certain criteria). It is the first time I can actually openly talk about marriage without being worried about whether my parents will accept the guy or not.

I'm worried that we are getting ahead of ourselves only because we can.
I don't mean to pry or sound like an arsehat or anything, but why are you worrying what your parents think of any partners you have? It's not like it's their life you're living, it's yours.

[Whiskers]

Whiskers,

If this is still fairly early in your relationship, then you may want to wait until the rabbit phase has subsided before considerng long-term issues.

We haven't slept together yet. I am a fervent Christian.

[Whiskers]

I don't mean to pry or sound like an arsehat or anything, but why are you worrying what your parents think of any partners you have? It's not like it's their life you're living, it's yours.

Really not something I'd like to share. My parents have never stopped me from experiencing anything, though.

[MyPetMonkey]

Really not something I'd like to share. My parents have never stopped me from experiencing anything, though. So they're not mormons then....

My parents are intergalactic space heroes...

[Ralmandor]

you really do just know when the time is right. I married at 18, after only knowing her for 6 months.

[Bifrost]

you really do just know when the time is right. I married at 18, after only knowing her for 6 months.So now you've known her for 2 years and 6 months? Not judging, just checking.

I have known my girlfriend for 13 years, though we've only been going out for 9-ish. We have no intention of getting married.

I've been to a lot of weddings and they're great days. Happy, exciting, all that stuff...But I've had happier, more exciting times with my gf without the need to tart ourselves up, stress for 6 weeks and spend $1500 on flowers. And yes, some of these happier times happened even when we weren't naked. ;)

I say marriage is right for you when you both want to do it and you're not just doing it because "it's the next stage in your life" or some such bollocks. Marriage is supposed to be a celebration of something that already exists, not the creation of something that doesn't (unless you conceive on the wedding night that is). And if neither of you ever want to get married, then that's perfectly good as well.

[Ralmandor]

So now you've known her for 2 years and 6 months? Not judging, just checking.


Correct, and still happily married. wasnt a big wedding, we eloped.

[L]

I think marriage is too much of a drag. I don't wanna get married since it means I lose most of my freedom and excitement. ...

I have a feeling you are approaching the idea from the wrong direction...

Leading up to my wedding day I got so absolutely over how many guys, when told about my impending nuptials, responded with "Life is over for you then" or "Say goodbye to your sex life" ...

I feel sorry for anyone ever marrying these guys as a) they won't live very long (apparently) and b) no more sex for you!

Getting married should not mean the loss of freedom and excitement!

People that think that just need an attitude adjustment.

Hmmm sorry D3kst3r that was probably about 4c worth ;)

[Dundasbro]

We haven't slept together yet. I am a fervent Christian.
Omg you poor thing! Is it treatable???
Nah just kidding Christians are alright as long as they don't try to influence the opinions of others forcably:D
Jehovahs Witness's on the other hand... /me shakes fist!!

[Sagacious]

I have a prescription that is sure to cure fervent christianity or at least its symptoms.

A week long course of freaky circus sex with multiple partners.

THe course must be administered continually over a week and MUST be administered premaritally.

That is all.

[Vardsy]

Marriage is not an option in my mind at the moment....

Thats lovely Sapia but I was under the impression that this thread was about whether or not Whiskers was ready for marriage

[Glompbot]

Thats lovely Sapia but I was under the impression that this thread was about whether or not Whiskers was ready for marriage
oh, i'm sorry, you must lack some comprehension skills.
Here, let me make it easier for you.... see, I saw this:

:eclique:

Do you just 'know' when you are ready to be married?

Is there an acceptable amount of time before it is okay to discuss marriage with your partner?

Do I like the thought of massive fuck off diamonds? :clap:

And saw it as a request for a discussion to take place.

I don't know how YOU saw it was all about whiskers getting married.

[d3kst3r]

Getting married should not mean the loss of freedom and excitement!



I grew up in a family with a highly dysfunctional marriage between my parents. They had not slept with each other for like 10 years and constantly fought. The only reason they stayed together was for money. I guess I see things differently.

[L]

I grew up in a family with a highly dysfunctional marriage between my parents. They had not slept with each other for like 10 years and constantly fought. The only reason they stayed together was for money. I guess I see things differently.

Are you sure we aren't brothers? :) You live just down the road and all!

I'm 32 soon (fuck! like Monday) ... Got married this year so that means it took me 13 years to sort through my childhood issues with marriage. Parents separated at 6, both remarried into less than happy relationships... Ahh..bliss.

Good luck with your journey ;)

[The Avatar]

We haven't slept together yet. I am a fervent Christian.

I had along reply, with many words of wisdom. Took me about 15 minutes to re-read it and make sure it made sense. I had many example of relationship issues and other stuff in there about the things that my girlfriend and I face.

Then I read the reply I was quote, and thought fuck it.

If you can't say anything nice about a comment, don't say anything at all :D

[Whiskers]

I was joking about the Christian thing.

[ms edeity]

I was joking about the Christian thing.
WTF??!!11
As a Christian virgin I feel deceived.:grr:

[HAL]

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain


/queue Slash solo

:group:

[Vardsy]

oh, i'm sorry, you must lack some comprehension skills.



I don't understand :huh:

[Skot]

I think a person should wait until they meet in real life before they pop the question.

I met my woman by sending her a message "Why aren't we married yet?" on an online forum. We had never met or spoken at all before, but some of her posts rang true with me.

We've been together for 19 months now, we just moved in together.

[The Avatar]

I was joking about the Christian thing.

Well, please use the sarcasm or joking button next time. Its awfully hard to judge tone in such a short sentance :D and because I haven't slept with you (er...yet), I can't really have an in-depth (hehee, in-depth, get it!!) knowledge of how your mind works.....

But anyway, I want to get married, but my girlfriend dosen't. I would beat it into her, but I'm not the violent type. So I have to resort to emotional abuse to wear away at her soul.
However, she seems to have beaten me here too, as she is dead inside. There is nothing there, I kid you not, she is like a parasite, sucking away at my will to live everyday!!!

And I want to marry this freaking cold-hearted creature of frost!! Looks like I am into pain after all :D

Hehehehe, seriously honey, if your reading this, I mean it all. No seriously, we should break up! What you think I'm joking??! why are you laughing!!! I'm not joking!!
No, don't bring your friends over to read this post, IM NOT JOKING!! Oh god I want to die, you make me want to kill myself!!! REALLY!!!

If I had a gun I would show you. Thats right, I would show everybody how I really feel!!!

Do you still think I'm joking?!! :huh: REALLY??!! WHAT IF I USE CAPITALS??! WILL THAT MAKE YOU THINK IM NOT JOKING (On a side note, did you know that using the caps lock key is much easier then "just" holding down the shift key?! Wow, its like I have to commit to the capslock key where as I know that at any time I can release the shift key, but with caps-lock, I have to "commit" to pressing it again to turn it off!!)

MARRY ME ALREADY!!!!

...
..
.

Stupid women and their stupid belief that stupid marriage is an stupid institution and they don't want to ever get stupid married. Well, la-de-da, look at me, Im a freaking stupid something or other.
Lets not get started on the whole kids issue........

:mdr:

[Fuzzy Dice]

I've never really put it in words before, but this is what marriage means to me:

"I love you. I can't picture my life without you in it. I don't ever want that to change. Marry me."

So I'm a romantic. Big deal. My point, though is that most people never have an epiphany that lets them know exactly when/who they should marry. You date someone and they become a part of you and your life over time. Eventually, your lives are so intertwined that separation is painful. You should do it for love. Although, love and getting your parents to shut up about it at the same time is also acceptable. :)

[Javaira]

Lots of good advice in this thread.

The thing is for me, I never ever doubted that I would spend the rest of my life with my husband, even before we got together romantically. I just woke up one day and realised that this was who I was meant to be with. I didn't then rush out and get together with him, there was no hurry, we had the rest of our life.

While the making work bit has been hard at times, the fact that we want to be together before anything else has seen us through alot.

For me I just knew, I was 16 when I realised it. I guess I can't offer much for advice to those who have had some time to be alone first.

[Aurelius]

Jav,
I know your husband.
You have my sympathies.

[Javaira]

Bah, deny it all you like, but I know you want him. Just remember I saw him first.

[Aurelius]

Javaira,
The only way I want your hubby is as a singer in the soul (ie, Commitments-style) band I putting together. I want him no other way.
*wicked grin* That's what I want with the girlies in the band!

[babygirlz]

i think marriage is promising to god, your partner and yourself that you will love and cherish this person through the good times and bad times and commiting yourself to this person. if you belive you and your partner could do this well maybe your ready. i don't think you have to be married to be able to do this in a relationship.
my ex told me he would have one more night of 'fun' before we were married. no need to explain why he is my ex. i can't believe that people think they will lose their life if they are married. why should your relationship change because you are married? you should be just as faithful in a relationship whether you are married or not.

[imp]

I'm not getting married in a church and i'm having a celebrant perform the ceremony. For me, religion and god have nothing to do with it. :) It's a promise b/w 2 people and that should be enough. That's maybe just me though. :)

[ms edeity]

I'm sure mine would involve god if there were one....mind you Ed's convinced he's god so i guess it does. :D

[dozer]

before you know it conversations will turn to tiles and taps and your single friends will slowly drift away, but hey, youll have a great bathroom/kitchen.

[~42~]

my ex told me he would have one more night of 'fun' before we were married. no need to explain why he is my ex. i can't believe that people think they will lose their life if they are married. why should your relationship change because you are married? you should be just as faithful in a relationship whether you are married or not.

babygirlz - well said - it is a state of mind - you make your life what you want and you have choice...if you choose to 'settle down' and conform to a stereotype of 'old married couple' then that is your choice! But I can tell you that my husband and I have been together for over 7 years and last night we were having a great intimate time for over 2.5 hours! It is great to share this with the person you love and trust.

On the subject with marriage, i agree with cray...you never really know whether you are ready or not but I believe if you both have the same underlying values/ideas - commitment that marriage is for life, respect each other, compromise and the understanding that your partner will change and you will grow with them and love them - then I think you can make that change. Those ideas and values you will learn as you move into marriage.

I wish you the best for the future..

[Sanura]

First of all, Bifrost, may I simply say thankyou for your sig - I love the music of rent (ok, so I am a freakin musical junkie), especially '525, 600 minutes' :shrug:

And whiskers, I certainly echo your wish not to have children :D Screw that - my father has been angling for me to have kids and won't accept that I am not going to try to have them at this point in my life. I am sick of people saying 'oh, you'll change your mind when you are older, they are the best thing in the world, etc'. Bah. I might change my mind later - I will have kids then if that is the case. At the moment though, I am quite willing to admit that I am too selfish to want to make a minimum 18 year commitment to a child. I am happy with my cat ;)

When is the right time to consider marriage? When both sides of the couple agree on marriage as an option, for one. If one half doesn't want to get married, goading them into it is not the way to secure a future together. I think also that if it is possible to live with each other before getting married (unless you are one of those funky people for which religion or culture demands otherwise) it should happen. First of all, you learn more about your partner, like that if you approach her before noon you are likely to get your head snapped off. You also get to experience them at their best and their worst. Wait till the whole politeness phase wears off and they are themselves. Work out if you can live with them, and they can live with you - if their habit of letting the washing up pile up for a few days annoys you to the point of tears, and that they can't change that despite their best efforts. Are they insanely jealous when you go out with your gal pals, or react badly when you take his car out without asking first. Find out how both of you react when you/they are sick, or have just gotten home from a night of drunken binging and throw up all over the kitchen floor. You find out at those kind of moments what type of person they are. Living together for a while lets you know that you can live with them, or want to. Discuss the financials, your hopes and dreams for the future, whether you want to have kids or be a stay at home mum, or whether you expect them to support you (financially or otherwise) whilst you follow your own path *before getting married*. Realise that what you ask of them means that you should also be willing to show the same level of commitment in return. Financials are such a large part of a relationship that that area should be extensively discussed before getting hitched, I think. If you are not on the same page when it comes to them, it may just be enough to corrode a marriage over time, I think.

Partners should not be made to give up their individual identities. If you feel that you are defined by your partner rather than yourself, perhaps you may want to examine that further. If they are shielding you from having friends of your own, you might want to consider their motivation. Do you respect each others opinions even though they may be different? Do their opinions conflict with yours so greatly that it may not work out? Eg, if they are extremely homophobic and you are closet bi or your brother/sister/whatever is gay, perhaps it may just not work out. Realise that marriage, although it can be broken is meant to be for life. Can you imagine someone's behaviors affecting you for the rest of your life? Are you getting into the marriage in the hopes that it or you will change them?

There are so many factors that come together before I think a couple should be ready to take the plunge, and that is just a few of them. And hell, nothing is saying that it won't work out if people don't do them, but I do think that perhaps they have a better chance of having things work out if they do. I think it takes some careful thinking and weighing up of what is gained by making the move, and a definate evaluation of what you expect to change/not change once that happens.

That all being said, I think that my partner and I will be getting married in the forseeable future. We are eloping, perhaps having a dinner with friends after the fact, and saving our money for the mortgage. Perhaps send out some cards later saying something along the lines of 'Due to recent developments in the relationship sector, we are announcing a merger of our two departments' or some other such nonsense. The amount some people pay for weddings is rediculous. :jerkit:

[Afta Image]

Dont get married, Don't do relationships.

Wise words....