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President Martin - In the Beginning…… [Archive] - ZGeek

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tillz0r
15-12-2005, 05:46 PM
I posted this in the writing forum yesterday, but it's obvious that no-one checks there. What do you think ?

In the Year 2013 (the very same year that McDonalds finally bowing to outside pressure by health fanatics replaced the original potato French Fry with the steamed spinach French Fry), the Australian Federal Government decided upon trial-ing a new method of voting; Internet voting. This style of voting was cheap, efficient, totally automatic and produced an instant result, but was not without its fair share of glitches. Deciding to outsource the responsibility of running this voting service, the Federal Government chose a small, but respected web-hosting company on the Gold Coast to monitor the service. This small company consisted of four company executives: the Chairman (a small brown haired man in his mid 20’s, known only as ‘Martin’), an Executive Officer (a smaller red and green haired creature that looks suspiciously like a parrot and answers to the name of ‘Edgar’), a Guidance Officer (an even smaller man dressed as a butler who lives on Martin’s laptop and answers to the name of ‘Jeeves’) and a Crisis Manager (a tallish man in his mid 20’s with sandy blond hair and a particularly nervous disposition named ‘Heath’).

Wishing to test the new voting system (which was now affectionately becoming referred to as ‘Bob’ by some of the more closely related families in the Ipswich region) the Australian Government asked the Gold Coast web-hosting team to run a small referendum test, which would inquire of the Australian people whether or not they were ready for a republic. And so the Gold Coast team set to work and decided to use the same sort of simplistic questioning technique used by former Prime-Minister John Howard during the last Federal referendum on the notion of a republic. Two weeks later with a profound sense of accomplishment Martin uploaded the simple YES/NO question onto the Internet for the Australian people to answer. As the average Australian read this simple question ‘Do you want a republic’ and chose to answer either: ‘Yes I do want a republic’ or ‘No I don’t want a Prime-Minister I want a President’ the public breathed a sigh of relief, having finally witnessed their first fair and unbiased referendum.

And so 112 years after Australia’s Federation the Australian people democratically decided with a vote of 83% in favour, to formally cut all ties with the British monarchy and to no longer recognise King Charles (who became king in 2010 only after a mammoth nose job operation which lasted 36 hours!) as Australian head of government. It was unanimously decided that upon the next federal election the new Head of Government would become the first President of Australia.

As the year rolled on the exciting race to see who would become Australia’s first president gained momentum, with seven major candidates striving for the nation’s top job. The candidates ranged from politicians to movie stars, sporting celebrities and even to a former school lunch lady (however Marg the school lunchroom lady was forced to drop out of the race early on after being rocked by a scandal which involved a large salami sandwich, a drop of mustard on a school apron and the mysterious disappearance of $2.25 out of the school lunchroom’s cash register). After several visits on ‘Presidential Big Brother’, and ‘Who Wants to be an Australian President’ (which many audiences thought lacked any real relevance to the presidential race, since Eddy seemed more interested in knowing if participants could guess the correct translation of ‘Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem’ which of course nearly all of us understand to mean ‘In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags’, instead of questioning participants on their presidential policies.

Finally the big day came around and at 12am on November 14th Martin and his team uploaded the finished document onto the Internet for the Australian people to vote on. Again simplicity was opted for and the question simply stated “which of the following 7 people would you prefer to be president” this question was then followed quite plainly by the list of all eight names. Martin was proud of his team, the questioning technique had been proposed by his little friend Jeeves (who always somehow managed to switch himself onto standby when he wasn’t needed but was immediately there and waiting when sought for), Edgar had hyperlinked all the candidates names in order to produce a fair and accurate result, Heath unfortunately had been forced to take a short trip to the hospital after chewing quite deeply past his fingernail during a slight moment of unrest when Martin had blown his nose quite loudly, and of course Martin himself had done the fine tuning and uploading of the program.

Deciding that he should cast his own vote before he went to bed, Martin scrolled down the list of candidates and was quite surprised to find his own name added to the list. Chuckling to himself after realising that Edgar had placed his name accidentally on the list instead of at the bottom of the page with the advertisement for Gold Coast web-hosting, Martin voted for the first candidate – waved goodnight to Jeeves (who appeared to be sleeping as denoted by the pale green light his home was emitting), gave a small water cracker to Edgar and went to sleep for a well earned rest. Awoken some 6 hours later to the sound of a large mob surrounding the outside of his small Robina home, Martin opened the front door to a barrage of flashing lights, a large crowd of reporters, dozens of TV film crews and a small dark haired man named Abdul (who was sitting on the back of a large Alsatian whist wearing a small dark green frog suit).

Jumping back inside the house Martin raced inside to wake up Edgar. “Edgar, what’s happened?” Martin cried. “There’s an army of reporters outside the front door (and a man in a frog suit riding a large dog)…. What have we done?” Edgar smiled “Why I have made you Australia’s first president Martin, all those candidates were hyperlinked to your name, you won the election by a landslide!” “What…Edgar!” Martin yelped. Edgar’s small black eyes glazed over and narrowed. Instead of his usual squawk, Edgar replied to Martin’s frantic cries in a deep sinister and booming voice (which was enhanced by the small microphone taped to his throat), “Edgar?… My name is not Edgar! These many years I have been infiltrating the human world with one objective…..WORLD DOMINATION!” screamed Edgar. “And now I have my chance, through you Martin will I begin my conquest of your species, beginning with this continent I will begin my subjugation of all peoples and nations. From now on I wish to be known by my real name: ‘Dr Squabbles!’”

Still staring somewhat malevolently at Martin, Dr Squabbles continued “Now I have been setting this moment up for years, if you stand in my way the consequences will be unimaginable! Now get me some of those water crackers and then go and claim my presidency!” With dismal resignation Martin fed Edgar (now Dr. Squabbles) two water crackers, opened to door to his home and stepped forward to clam the presidency.
On 16th November 2013 the newly elected President Martin (Australia’s first president) was sworn into office, along with him to Canberra he brought a small evil parrot bent on world domination (now appointed head of the: Australian Military, ASIO, Taxation Office and Public Relations Commission), a small intelligent man (still dressed as a butler whom he made Chief Presidential Adviser) and a highly over-anxious manager (appointed: Secretary of State and Chief of the Critical Response Unit). Together they prepared to lead Australia forward to a glorious future, this is their story:

Sutter
15-12-2005, 05:53 PM
I saw it, I just didn't care



Mod Comment: I'm leaving this post here only because it was a comment made while the thread was outside the Writing Forum and it's not directed at the writing per-se.

-- Bifrost

druckfugged
15-12-2005, 06:11 PM
Fancy nobody realising Edgar was an alien until it was too late; being short, red and green, and all. So what happened next?

tillz0r
15-12-2005, 06:25 PM
So what happened next?

President Martin - Some Goat like Creatures & The Presidential Correspondent (Part 2)


President Martin paced the floor of his office relentlessly, before finally coming to stand behind the monumental windows that overlooked the lawn of Parliament House. With the exception of the 150 angry members of the House of Representatives parading across the lawn, everything was really quite peaceful. It had of course been Edgar’s idea to sack the members of the lower house, Martin had been uneasy about the idea at first, however after consulting the Australian public through ‘Bob’ (the new internet voting system – [see Episode 1]) he gave his permission. Martin was surprised by the results that ‘Bob’ revealed: 96% of Australians wholeheartedly supported the sacking of the lower house, whilst only 7% of Australians thought it was an unwise idea (the other 2% were still undecided).

Martin smiled to himself as he watched security loose several large goatlike creatures on the mob of parliamentarians, sending them fleeing from the grounds. The strange white-haired goatlike creatures, had become valued members of the presidential security force (and since they only ate grass, they also effectively cut down on Parliamentary maintenance costs such as lawn mowing and gardening – however Martin was still having difficulty training them not to eat the flowers).

The goats had originally been a gift from the Ambassador of Kyrgyzstan (a small landlocked country in Central Asia), to celebrate Martin’s ascension into office. In return for this gift of a small herd of goatlike creatures, the Ambassador had asked for Martin’s promise to supply Kyrgyzstan with forces from the Australian Navy should Kyrgyzstan ever suffer from a naval bombardment. After consultation with Edgar, Jeeves and Heath (who incidentally had discovered that he was allergic to the hair of the small goatlike creatures and decided to suffer the indignity of having to wear a full chemical body suit, face mask and 2 large corks placed in his nose whenever he was around the creatures) Martin decided to grant the Ambassador’s request. Kyrgyzstan could borrow the rowboat whenever they wanted.

For Martin, the whole presidency thing was quite confusing… He wasn’t quite sure what exactly was going on, thankfully his Chief of Staff; Tim seemed to keep the presidential schedule running quite smoothly. Tim was a stern looking man with dark auburn hair and was greatly feared by the staff members of Parliament House because of the administrative power he wielded (and possibly the fact that he must of weighed in the vicinity of 160kg). Tim’s presence almost always set Heath’s nerves off, particularly due to the fact Heath already suffered from: Dystychiphobia, Megalophobia & Obesophobia. Heath’s fear of: accidents, large things and weight morphed into a kind of Dystychimegalobesophobia. Which obviously we all know means ‘the fear of something large accidentally falling on top of you’. Martin sighed, thankfully his body guards had been on site after Heath’s last paranoia attack and had rushed him immediately to the ACT State Hospital.

At first President Martin had been highly impressed to learn that he now had a round-the-clock bodyguard willing to lay down their lives in order to save him from a fatal injury. However, the last person to hold the executive office (Prime-Minister Beazely) had fired all of the tall, muscular and serious looking ministerial bodyguards in a moment of jealous rage. The remaining 3 members of the MPS (Ministerial Protection Service) included a tall willowy man named David who constantly had his face buried in a large white handkerchief, a blonde athletic and slightly effeminate man called Luke and their boss; a particularly large woman from Tasmania with brown hair and a flowing 2 inch beard who answered to the name of Jorja.

Martin left the windows and casually opened the doors to some of the nearby offices, he was unsure where his MPS agents had got to at the present time, the only clue they had left to their disappearance was a small sticky note simply labelled ‘Terrorist thret’. Martin rolled his eyes, he couldn’t believe that Australian literacy standards where dropping at such a devastating rate, surely anyone with any form of education would realise that the word ‘terrorist’ was spelt with a double ‘s’. Martin flipped the message over and stuck it on the back of the door, deciding to berate his staff on the poor spelling skills. He quickly scribbled an intellectual literacy insult in Latin on the back of the note ‘Da mihi basilia mille’ (while Martin has a good grasp of classical Latin phrases, his actual translating skills are not as good and in hindsight leaving a message which translates to ‘kiss me with a thousand kisses’ on Jorja’s door was one Martin would later come to regret).

Returning to his office, Martin sat down contentedly in his plush leather sofa. He was beginning to get somewhat agitated. It was now 3pm, he was meant to be giving his first inaugural speech as president tomorrow and he had now been waiting for over 6 hours for Josh the Presidential Speechwriter and Correspondent to make an appearance. He was also terribly frightened about making a live televised speech by himself (Edgar had refused the invitation to join Martin on the pedestal, stating that it was better he remain in the shadows until the world was ripe for his leadership).

Slowly President Martin rose out of the chair, there was a noise slowly approaching his office, like the sound of a thousand young women hysterically trying to gain the attention of a their favourite musician at a rock concert. Opening the doors to his office, Martin saw that there was nothing wrong with his hearing, the aisle was jammed with attractive women as far as the eye could see. Tim had managed to throw all 160kg of himself in front of the door effectively blockading the Presidential office, allowing only a tall man in his mid-twenties to slide onto the floor of Martin’s office. Martin stared into the face of the most handsome man he had ever seen in his life, involuntarily he spluttered ‘I never yet saw man, how wise, how noble, young, how rarely featured!’ A weary Josh slowly raised himself off the floor, his suit had been ripped to shreds by the throng and it took him a full minute to wipe the lipstick smudges from his face and arms, but still he managed to smile down at the President ‘Sorry I’m late Sir, why don’t we have a look at this speech?’

[Tune in next week for ‘The speech’]

Hired Goon
15-12-2005, 06:41 PM
I'm pretty sure Bifrost would have got to your post in due time in the writing forum.

Anyway, I just read both parts. The problem with this is it's neither here nor there. It reads sort of somewhere between a joke, a short story and a political parody. Plot wise, the twist where Edgar is an alien parrot with aspirations of global domination is sort of silly, and the section about the goats seemed pretty irrelevant.

It needs a bit more focus. As a short story it needs stronger character development, the political parody aspect needs some more edge to it, and the humour needs some refinement.

Btw I'm not raggin' on you, I'm just overly critical of most things.

Grumblefish
16-12-2005, 02:47 AM
I reached the start of the first bracket, but I had to turn back when there was no end in sight.

BlueBoy
16-12-2005, 07:00 AM
Writing Forum. Ho!

Bifrost
19-12-2005, 02:37 PM
Well, I've read both parts.

I think there is something to be said for fiction written in the style of a hitorical documentary. I know I've written quite a few pieces in this style and they do have a very important place in fiction. However I'm not sure this style suits the kind of story you're trying to tell.

Your story is more of a political satire and if there is one thing politics needs, it's characters and the hitory style (or the encyclopaedia style as I like to call it) isn't something which can present character effectively. Characters in historical accounts are defined by the results of their actions, not because of the motivation for their actions as most fiction cahracters are defined and it is very difficult to understand a character in history fully unless there is a hell of a lot of information presented on that character and unless you're presenting a mock-biography (which given the title, I suppose you could), too much info on one or two characters detracts from the overall story.

I think you have 2 ways you can take this story, you could take it down the history-style road and make the events drive the humour and allow the characters to be gradually constructed by the results of their actions OR you could take it down a convnentional fiction road and provide more dialogue, character thought process and a little background on the characters themselves.

Unfortunately, though I think it's quite original, the way it is now (kind straddling the border between the history-style and the convnetional style), I don't htink it works as well as it could.

Yes, for those of you who post stories in here and wait a few days (or months) for a resonse - the longer the piece, the longer it takes me to read it. And some of them I dowload and just forget to read. And some of them I download, read, then go to bed and forget to post.

Vardsy
19-12-2005, 02:42 PM
Yes, for those of you who post stories in here and wait a few days (or months) for a resonse - the longer the piece, the longer it takes me to read it. And some of them I dowload and just forget to read. And some of them I download, read, then go to bed and forget to post.

and some he reads, makes minor changes to and then gets published.

pwned

Bifrost
21-12-2005, 01:53 PM
I've deleted the other thread (finally). No need to have a duplicate.

And yes, Vardsy, of course I plaigiarise everyone's work. It's a perk of being a moderator.

But hey - I give people +rep if I make more than $1,500 dollars from their stuff. That's fair isn't it? :D