Ask Bishi

[MisterBishi]

I was sipping my Earl Grey in the study this morning when I decided that there is only room for one helpful English butler on this spiffing new-fangled internet malarkey.

I therefore welcome all to the Ask Bishi thread. Here I will endeavour to answer your queries on a whole range of topics.

Below is an example of something I've tackled over the last few days.

My Dearest Bishi,

I have the pleasure of entertaining Lord Smythe-Godfrey this Boxing Day and feel it would be somewhat insulting to my distinguished guest if I did not provide a traditional Boxing Day breakfast; Scrambled Eggs, Salmon and Champagne.

I have some vintage Bollinger, and the Salmon is to be provided by the generous Lady Harvey direct from her salmon farm in the Scottish Highlands.

My problem is that my attempts at scrambled eggs invariably end in disaster.

Do you have any tips which could help me?

Kindest thanks in advance,

Miss Rosemary Clifford.




Rosemary,

How are you my good friend, I hope that the unfortunate incident at the Autumn Ball is now in order, who would have thought that Dr. Edwards would fail to realise that Cockburns is a fine Port?

With regard to your question, the perfect scrambled eggs can be made only with Free Range eggs, and with fresh milk from your milkman, I believe Mr. Allen's round covers your area.

Crack the eggs into the bowl and pour on enough cold milk to just cover them, you then pour the mix into a pan and place it onto a medium flame, preferably oil fuelled.

The trick now is to stir constantly, yet slowly. The reason for this is to do with unfolding protein, but I will not go into the chemistry of it right now, add some rock salt and fresh ground pepper to taste at this point.

When the eggs reach the desired consistency, there should be no liquid left in the pan, serve immediately.

If you follow this plan to the letter I fail to see how Lord Smythe-Godfrey can deny you an invitation to his legendary New Year's Dinner.

Best Regards

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire.

[druid]

Dear Sire,

I have this situation which is hard and repulsive to even think about but I will try to unfold the problem regardless.

You see, I keep getting these obscene adverts in my letterbox. Usually they suggest that I should obtain different kind of potions or vacuum devices for enlarging my, pardon the french, genitalia.

I find these rubbish letters highly insulting. The situation has gotten so bad that the lady of the house herself must now check the box in order to prevent the service maid from seeing these disgusting adverts (they are even printed on cheap colourful paper that carries a peculiar smell.) The maid has been a loyal and good employee so far but we all know how easily untruthful rumours spread amongst servants. I'm afraid that should Lord Crosby Stills-Nash of Thousandislands find out about these rumours, he might never send me an invitation to the annual ball of Nobility Aspirers.

One specifically puzzling thing is that when I checked the return address from the post office they said it was non-existent so there seems to be no possible way I could send them a stern answer. The adverts themself ask me to visit a shoppe in the docks district but that part of the city is no place for a gentleman.

The royal post office staff also politely refused to stop delivering these advertisements because the sender has paid for the service. However, I was able to find out that the vast amount of foul letters in different districts is accounted for increased back pains and sick leave within the postmen.

I would like to emphasize that under no circumstances have I subscribed to this filth. I only subscribe to the Times, Tea Poofter Montly and Horse & Hound magazine.

Dear Bishi, do you have any advice on how to stop this filth from gathering to my cast iron letterbox? I am starting to get rash under my bowler hat from the sheer stress this issue is causing.

Sincerely Yours,

Mr. Fenthick, Neverwinter

[Bostonmess]

Dear Bishi,

I have a small growth on the end of my penis. Is there anyway to get it bigger? I'm hoping for something more the size of the one on Grumble's head. I know this is a tall order, but what is his secret?

*The preceding post was brought to you in the interest of humour (even though you might not think so) :)

[Chronic]

Dear Bishi,

What's the best way to dispose of a body ?

[Nandragon]

Dear Distinguished Gentleman,

My lady's lady, Elena has been having problems of a personal nature. It seems that Herladyship herself has been confiding personal information to her (Elena). Herladyship has been having a secret affair with one of the upstairs Butlers. She is at odds with the Lordship himself. He cannot seem to attain a "harden" affront during their night time duties. This is why she is having the "affair" with the upstairs Butler. His lordship has caught them bared arsed and now wants to engage in their debauchery. Her ladyship is not wanton for such exploits and has now discovered her baren womb is not so baren! Elena is hard pressed to give ANY advice....

Your's truly
Scullery Wench

[Deman]

Dear Bishi

I called in sick to work today. I wasnt really sick. I work a late shift so its extra hard to find someone to cover / replace me if i call in sick.

Am I a bad boy?
Is this going to bite me on the ass?

Your friend, Deman

[angel_b]

Dear Sir

Why??? WHY??????

Yours sincerely, etc

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by druid

Dear Sire,

I have this situation which is hard and repulsive to even think about but I will try to unfold the problem regardless.

You see, I keep getting these obscene adverts in my letterbox. Usually they suggest that I should obtain different kind of potions or vacuum devices for enlarging my, pardon the french, genitalia.

...

Dear Bishi, do you have any advice on how to stop this filth from gathering to my cast iron letterbox? I am starting to get rash under my bowler hat from the sheer stress this issue is causing.

Sincerely Yours,

Mr. Fenthick, Neverwinter



Mr. Fenthick,

Yours is truly a conundrum, but you will be happy to hear that there is a solution, which I trust you will find satisfactory.

First of all, it's a blessing in disguise that you have been unable to respond directly to the sender, as these obnoxious individuals use this merely as an indication that you are opening and reading their filth.

They are then able to turn a profit, even if you do not buy their goods, by selling your information to more unscrupulous rotters.

The next part of the plan involves sorcery, of sorts I would never normally recommend. This is, however, a grave situation and requires action to match.

I trust that the sender of these messages provides details of a 'Fax' machine. Such machines are created by the demons of the underworld and are capable of moving paper through the ether for the cost of a
local call (http://www.bt.com/Pricing/call_pricer.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0997016737.103959 8244@@@@&BV_EngineID=ccccadcgmimjefhcflgcefkdffndfkl.0&call_type=1&country=United+Kingdom&daytime=1&discount=1&duration=5&showsub=PIS_Residential&showsub2=PIS_UK_Calls&showsub3=PIS_Call_Pricer_UK).

First of all you should acquire such a device, tape two or three pages of their filth together and dial 141 followed by the number of their fax machine (141 will mask your number).

As the first sheet appears from the bottom of your machine, tape the bottom of it to the top of the last sheet, creating a loop.

This will cause havoc for the sender as an infinite amount of paper will be created out of the ether, finding it's way into the place of sordid business.

I hope the next time we speak it is for more enjoyable reasons.

Yours

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire.

Originally posted by Charley Dancey
Dear Bishi,

I have a small growth on the end of my penis. Is there anyway to get it bigger? I'm hoping for something more the size of the one on Grumble's head. I know this is a tall order, but what is his secret?

*The preceding post was brought to you in the interest of humour (even though you might not think so) :)

Dear Charles,

As a Yorkshireman, I'm sure you are familiar with the girls on't lane who ply their sordid trade by night.

Simply visiting these girls after 11pm with a potato scallop and a portion of 'pea wet' is enough for them to engage in coitus with the most unkempt of men.

Repeat this process for a week and you will be rewarded with a bulbous growth to be proud of.

Coriander soaked overnight in lemon juice will also help the itching.

Yours,

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire.

[Snowball]

When will this rash go away?

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Chronic
Dear Bishi,

What's the best way to dispose of a body ?

Dearest Chronic,

I am not sure as to the circumstances in which you find yourself asking such a question but, as always, I will endeavour to assist.

One method that is yet to fail me or my peers is to dress the unfortunate victim in the clothes of a daredevil complete with a nylon parachute which has been suitably 'modified'.

You then take the corpse to a forest and throw him from a tall oak into a nearby clearing.

Should this fail, please do not hesitate to contact my legal advisor, Lionel Hand.

Yours sincerely,

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

Originally posted by Nandragon
Dear Distinguished Gentleman,

My lady's lady, Elena has been having problems of a personal nature. It seems that Herladyship herself has been confiding personal information to her (Elena). Herladyship has been having a secret affair with one of the upstairs Butlers. She is at odds with the Lordship himself. He cannot seem to attain a "harden" affront during their night time duties. This is why she is having the "affair" with the upstairs Butler. His lordship has caught them bared arsed and now wants to engage in their debauchery. Her ladyship is not wanton for such exploits and has now discovered her baren womb is not so baren! Elena is hard pressed to give ANY advice....

Your's truly
Scullery Wench

Miss Scullery Wench,

Whilst I do not often associate myself with the lower classes, may I recommend a Mr F West of Cromwell St. who can fix such problems 'in a jiffy' he says, with a hot bath, some vodka and a coat hanger.

Please be wary, however, as Wild Wild West, as he is known, has a tendency to hold young ladies in his company for some time and in a somewhat unorthodox manner, such as in the wall cavities of his house or under the patio in his garden.

Best regards

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

Originally posted by Deman
Dear Bishi

I called in sick to work today. I wasnt really sick. I work a late shift so its extra hard to find someone to cover / replace me if i call in sick.

Am I a bad boy?
Is this going to bite me on the ass?

Your friend, Deman

Deman,

Your recent behaviour is appaling, although I am not in the least surprised considering the lack of any decent work ethic amongst working class youths.

While I expect you will avoid punishment in this instance, I would not advise that you make habit of such deception.

Hard work is a gift from the Lord and, should you embrace it, you may one day qualify to work in my stables.

Must try harder

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

Originally posted by angel_b
Dear Sir

Why??? WHY??????

Yours sincerely, etc

The beautiful Angel, to what do I owe your attention?

The question you ask is rare, in that Lord Bishi of Worcestershire cannot provide an answer.

Instead, you must find the answer within yourself.

Moonshine and psilocybin can help with this.

Yours in admiration,

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Snowball
When will this rash go away?

Dear Snowball,

First of all you need to find a willing young lady and request that she massages the afflicted area with the scrotum of a kangaroo.

The aforementioned scrotum should then be buried in a clay-rich soil under direct light of a full moon.

If you follow this procedure correctly, and the lady is pure of heart and body, the rash will clear within a few days.

Therefore, living in Melbourne, you don't have a chance.

Apologies

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[Snowball]

Is that because i won't get a full moon or there are no lady's of pure of heart and body?

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Snowball
Is that because i won't get a full moon or there are no lady's of pure of heart and body?

The full moon is not a problem, look to the skies on the 17th of the month.

[SamBo]

Dear Bishi,

There is a very horrible old woman at my place of employment who is constantly rude to me. Everyday I think of more amusing ways to kill her (I believe the office franking machine would be quite handy for this), but usually I simply ignore her, or tell her to scidadle. What should I do? Every day that passes I think up a more gruesome way to kill this demon bitch, but never get to carry out my plans due to fear of losing my job (she is the Director's PA).
As fun as it is to tell this demon bitch to "fuck off" or "Stick that coffee pot up your arse" it just isn't as fun as I can imagine killing her with a whiteboard-eraser would be.
Please help.

Kindest regards,

Your friend, SamBo

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by SamBo
Dear Bishi,

There is a very horrible old woman at my place of employment who is constantly rude to me. Everyday I think of more amusing ways to kill her (I believe the office franking machine would be quite handy for this), but usually I simply ignore her, or tell her to scidadle. What should I do? Every day that passes I think up a more gruesome way to kill this demon bitch, but never get to carry out my plans due to fear of losing my job (she is the Director's PA).
As fun as it is to tell this demon bitch to "fuck off" or "Stick that coffee pot up your arse" it just isn't as fun as I can imagine killing her with a whiteboard-eraser would be.
Please help.

Kindest regards,

Your friend, SamBo

Sambo,

Personal Assistants invariably suffer from a condition known as DRS or "Doctor's Receptionist's Syndrome". DRS is a mental condition that leads people to believe that the fact that they work for somebody important makes them equally important.

You and I both know that this is absolute poppycock, and no mistake, but trying to convince this hellfiend is easier said than done.

Instead you should pamper her ego by bringing her drinks for a few days and complimenting her on her choice of short, boyish hairstyle.

Once you've gained her trust, wait outside the office for her one evening with a vial of my 'special remedy'.

Offer her the vial and innocently ask "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

From here on all you need to do is follow the advice I offered to my good friend Chronic earlier today.

Yours

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[Chronic]

As I am leaving my current place of employment tomorrow, can you recommend a suitable prank which I could play to gain revenge on this shit-hole company for sucking all the enthusiasm and motivation out of my very being, but which could not be traced to me ?

I thought about shitting in the pot of one of the various plants adorning the office, but concluded that it would quite obviously be attributed to me in my absence.

Your advice is, as always, much appreciated.

EDIT : This is my new favourite thread. :D

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Chronic
As I am leaving my current place of employment tomorrow, can you recommend a suitable prank which I could play to gain revenge on this shit-hole company for sucking all the enthusiasm and motivation out of my very being, but which could not be traced to me ?

I thought about shitting in the pot of one of the various plants adorning the office, but concluded that it would quite obviously be attributed to me in my absence.

Your advice is, as always, much appreciated.

EDIT : This is my new favourite thread. :D

Firstly, Mr. Chronic, appreciation of a good thread is best shown with a rating of 5!

As for your problem, there are many ways you can leave your mark on a place of employment without 'leaving sign'.

One interesting idea is to place the following line into the autoexec.bat file on the root of drive C: on a Win95 machine:

Format C: /q /autotest

/autotest is an undocumented switch which supresses the Yes/No prompt for the format command, much hilarity will ensue when your victim decides to reboot (e.g if he increases the size of his font when typing an email).

The sorcery mentioned above in response to Mr. Fenthick's junkmail problem is also proven to be interesting.

Another idea is to call in sick on your way to work and deny everything when you turn up, leaving your superiors chasing a hoax caller that doesn't exist.

Above all your prank should be original and exciting without risking the pride or wellbeing of colleagues with dark brown spiky hair.

I look forward to hearing of your antics.

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[Chronic]

Originally posted by MisterBishi
Firstly, Mr. Chronic, appreciation of a good thread is best shown with a rating of 5!

as if by magic.............

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Chronic
as if by magic.............

:cool:

[utopian]

Dear Bishi

Where can I find myself a lovely english woman?

Yours,

Broadless in Brisbane

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Utopienne
Dear Bishi

Where can I find myself a lovely english woman?

Yours,

Broadless in Brisbane

Lord Clifford of Utopia,

Your letter suggests that you are in Brisbane, this is not going to help you to find a lovely English lady, since the majority of English citizens in Australia are backpackers who smoked to much opium in Thailand and carried on south.

May I suggest you visit the marvellous daredevil pilots at Emirates (http://www.emirates.com/) and arrange a first class flight to Birmingham International Airport.

From here I can introduce you to some fascinating ladies, young and old, and point you in the direction of the positively bountiful bars in our region.

Should this not be satisfactory may I also recommend you search for a nice french girl who can speak only one word in English, that being 'Yes'.

Good Luck Lord Clifford!

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[Deman]

Dear Bishi,

Will I ever learn?

Best and kindest regards,

Deman.

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Deman
Dear Bishi,

Will I ever learn?

Best and kindest regards,

Deman.

Young Deman

Indeed you will learn should you choose to follow the path of the fabled 'Coyote Protocol'.

The key part of the Coyote Protocol is as follows:

Should you, when walking down the street, find yourself in a position whereby continuing to walk in a straight line would cause a collision with another person, both persons should sidestep to the left, thereby avoiding a collision.

Should either person step to the right, he who correctly steps to the left has grounds to sue, or to make a sarcastic remark regarding the dancing skills of the bufoon concerned.

Take heed of my advice and you shall prosper, you may also get an invitation to the Bishi Manor Witsun Bash!

Yours patiently

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[Deman]

Dear Bishi

I recently purchased a digital camera and resolved to take a recent photo of myself to show to my internet peers.

This is the old photo I was using from the year 2000:

http://members.optushome.com.au/demanufacturer/jpg/deman.jpg

This is the one I have taken with my new digital camera just yesterday:

http://members.optushome.com.au/demanufacturer/jpg/deman2002.jpg

My question is, which of these should I use when trying to impress chicks over the interweb? I want to maximize my chances of bagging a geek chick as its been a long time between drinks if you know what I mean.

Any advise appriciated.

Your friend,

Deman.

[utopian]

i'm no bishi,
but i'd say use the top one... it's very edward norton-esque

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Deman
Dear Bishi

I recently purchased a digital camera and resolved to take a recent photo of myself to show to my internet peers.

My question is, which of these should I use when trying to impress chicks over the interweb? I want to maximize my chances of bagging a geek chick as its been a long time between drinks if you know what I mean.

Any advise appriciated.

Your friend,

Deman.

Deman,

As Utopienne pointed out, you should definitely choose the top picture, as the booted fantasy female behind you in the bottom pic may well deter any potential love interest.

Best Regards

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[utopian]

what's the poster of with the anime girl in it?
to me it looks like caitlyn fairchild of gen13

[boozer]

Dear Bishi

After a lovely evening out with a young lass I have been courting recently, we decided to retire to my abode.
Ears were nibbled, fingeres sucked and the like as you could well imagine. Things were moving along rather well when she excused herself to go to the bathroom, this I usually thought indicated a positive sign as to where the night would be headed.
When she returned more smooching followed until I felt the call of nature also. On viewing the bowl I noticed dirty big screech marks on the bottom of the toilet.
When I returned to the living room, we messed around for a little more, but I could not get this brown stain out of my mind and made up an excuse of having to get to work early the next day and that I should get my rest.
She left in good spirits and I told her that I would give her a call sometime soon.
My question is this? Should I continue to persue a relationship with a woman that is oblivious to the workings of a toiletbrush?

Kind regards

boozer

[SirTwist]

Originally posted by MisterBishi
Sambo,

Personal Assistants invariably suffer from a condition known as DRS or "Doctor's Receptionist's Syndrome". DRS is a mental condition that leads people to believe that the fact that they work for somebody important makes them equally important.

You and I both know that this is absolute poppycock, and no mistake, but trying to convince this hellfiend is easier said than done.


My Dearest Lord Bishi,

May I remind you that this sentiment may not be accepted by the Lady Diva, as she is in fact a Personal Assistant. Considering that she organises the majority of the Geek Manor social events, it may upset her to think that you have a categorical dislike of her occupation, and she may seek to exact some subtle but effective revenge.

This is not to discourage you from your noble work in providing advice for our colleagues in this forum. Please continue with your efforts to make our dreary lives much happier.

My warmest regards,
Sir Twist.

P.S. j00 5uX0r!! I w1ll r0x0r j00r 0w3nD 7hr34d!! ;-)

[gIrLgEeK]

Mr Bishi, esq.

What is the difference between Brie and Camembert? To the untrained eye (and mouth) they appear indistinguishable. Can someone of your discerning palate enlighten one?

Cordially yours,
The 3rd Duchess of Brook

[kré]

Dear Bishi,

Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

Warm Regards,
Homer J.

[sperm]

Originally posted by gIrLgEeK
Mr Bishi, esq.

What is the difference between Brie and Camembert? To the untrained eye (and mouth) they appear indistinguishable. Can someone of your discerning palate enlighten one?

Cordially yours,
The 3rd Duchess of Brook

What about the difference between Stilton and blue-cheese ?

and why cant we get clotted cream or a decent pork pie down-under ?

<-has a english appetite :D

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by boozer
Dear Bishi

After a lovely evening out with a young lass I have been courting recently, we decided to retire to my abode.
Ears were nibbled, fingeres sucked and the like as you could well imagine. Things were moving along rather well when she excused herself to go to the bathroom, this I usually thought indicated a positive sign as to where the night would be headed.
When she returned more smooching followed until I felt the call of nature also. On viewing the bowl I noticed dirty big screech marks on the bottom of the toilet.
When I returned to the living room, we messed around for a little more, but I could not get this brown stain out of my mind and made up an excuse of having to get to work early the next day and that I should get my rest.
She left in good spirits and I told her that I would give her a call sometime soon.
My question is this? Should I continue to persue a relationship with a woman that is oblivious to the workings of a toiletbrush?

Kind regards

boozer

Boozer

The first priority is to determine, beyond any reasonable doubt, that the evidence of this deplorable Armitage Shanks experience was not present before your water closet was visited by this young lady.

If and when this is known to be the case, you need to have a quiet word with the girl concerned regarding her antics, whilst maintaining a gentlemanly stance and taking care not to upset or embarass her.

Start off with compliments and let her know that you think highly of her, this may not be the case after the aforementioned incident, but everybody needs the benefit of the doubt every now and again.

When you are comfortable and feel as though she is too, approach the issue finishing up with something along the lines of:

"Listen up biznitch, I ain't gonna tolerate this mo'fuck'n shit so you better get yo shit together befo I pop a number of caps up in yo dirty ass!"

If she still fails to comply with common laws of decency then I'd recommend a Right, Left, Right Uppercut combo, followed by a swift headbutt to the bridge of the nose if she is still standing.

Best regards

Lord ishi of Worcestershire.

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by SirTwist
My Dearest Lord Bishi,

May I remind you that this sentiment may not be accepted by the Lady Diva, as she is in fact a Personal Assistant. Considering that she organises the majority of the Geek Manor social events, it may upset her to think that you have a categorical dislike of her occupation, and she may seek to exact some subtle but effective revenge.

This is not to discourage you from your noble work in providing advice for our colleagues in this forum. Please continue with your efforts to make our dreary lives much happier.

My warmest regards,
Sir Twist.

P.S. j00 5uX0r!! I w1ll r0x0r j00r 0w3nD 7hr34d!! ;-)

Sir Twist,

At the time of writing I had an inkling that my broad generalisation may offend some, though I have known Lady Diva for some time and I'm sure beyond doubt that the good lady will not take offence at my comments.

Yours sincerely

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire.


P.S. J00 eX15+ in pH34r OF MY 31337 4dVI5oRY Sk1ll5!

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by gIrLgEeK
Mr Bishi, esq.

What is the difference between Brie and Camembert? To the untrained eye (and mouth) they appear indistinguishable. Can someone of your discerning palate enlighten one?

Cordially yours,
The 3rd Duchess of Brook

Dearest Duchess,

Real french Brie has a complex taste and is rarely the same as exported Brie, which is often cut before the maturing process is complete. If the cheese is white then you are not eating real brie, which should have a slightly brown surface.

Brie is a desert cheese and should be eaten at room temperature, accompanied by a glass or seventeen of Bourgogne.

Camembert de Normandie, on the other hand, should have a delicate salty taste and a crumbly texture, which becomes more creamy over time.

Camembert should be accompanied by a nice St. Emilion and a madagascan hooker.

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by cray
Dear Bishi,

Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

Warm Regards,
Homer J.

Dearest Homer,

This is pure speculation, which I believe is an attempt to tarnish my reputation by associating me with modern day convenience stores and there vacuum-packed, inedible food.

I only use fresh ingredients in all of my cooking and suspect that a certain rival going by the name 'Emily' is to blame for this slur.

Yours

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire.

[]-[Å®ÐRøçK]

Der Bishi..
why the fuck can't chixpors liek me eof frhow i am and not some sex symbo l?
and why do I get fucking plasterred coz i an unhapp y all da time ?

P>S yoi daq man :P)

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by ]-[Å®ÐRøçK
Der Bishi..
why the fuck can't chixpors liek me eof frhow i am and not some sex symbo l?
and why do I get fucking plasterred coz i an unhapp y all da time ?

P>S yoi daq man :P)

Lord ]-[Å®ÐRøçK of GOF,

As you well know, you have earned a legendary status as the God of Fuck in these forums and, indeed, elsewhere.

People in the limelight often find that their reputation goes before them - fame invariably has consequences.

This gives you two choices, either tone down your sex symbol status, or learn to live with it's drawbacks.

Don't forget that you can't be a sex symbol forever, unless you're a texan oil baron.

Alcohol is fun in moderation d00d, and it seems to be making you happy today.

Yours

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[]-[Å®ÐRøçK]

eheheheaa

ytou get a 5 for rating now ;)
co ztha made me akluag h ;)

bishi da legenbd

[Nandragon]

Dear Mr.

I'm an old woman and feeling older as each day passes. My life suxs and my bf doesn't. Can you give me some token to make me feel spechial?

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by ]-[Å®ÐRøçK
eheheheaa

ytou get a 5 for rating now ;)
co ztha made me akluag h ;)

bishi da legenbd

Thanks dude :cool:

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Nandragon
Dear Mr.

I'm an old woman and feeling older as each day passes. My life suxs and my bf doesn't. Can you give me some token to make me feel spechial?

I was going to help but I stopped by at the confessional on the way and did not appreciate your comments.

Therefore, you can go shit up a snake.

Yours

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[Nandragon]

does that mean YOU did miss me?

[MisterBishi]

You implied that my previous response to your request for help (for which you seem somewhat ungrateful) did not make you smile and you also made disparaging remarks about The GOF.

[Nandragon]

Sorry, but you weren't very helpful. Vodka and a coathanger!?

Please explain GOF?

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Nandragon
Sorry, but you weren't very helpful. Vodka and a coathanger!?

Please explain GOF?

GOF is the God of Fuck, aka ]-[Å®ÐRøçK.

Do some research into Fred West of Cromwell St. and the Vodka & Coathanger comment may make sense.

[Nandragon]

*Looks for snake*

how does one shit UP a snake?
When I have accomplished thus will I then be back on your "good side"?

[MisterBishi]

Possibly, although a rating of 5 stars is usually more effective.

Now, lets cut the idle chit-chat and get back to helping others.

[Diva]

Originally posted by MisterBishi
I'm sure beyond doubt that the good lady will not take offence at my comments.


you *hope*

:p

[SirTwist]

Dear Bishi,

Thank you for your previous comments. As you may have seen, you may not know the esteemed Lady Diva quite as well as you perhaps believed.

On to advisory matters. If I pass an Athlon-based computer at any time and, upon examination, discover that it has not been overclocked, is it permissible to correct the situation?

Warmest regards,
Sir Twist

P.S. j00 (4nn07 ?35157 /\/\`/ 5k1ll5! 1 pwn j00 & j0r 7h?34d!!

[sperm]

Originally posted by SirTwist
Dear Bishi,

Thank you for your previous comments. As you may have seen, you may not know the esteemed Lady Diva quite as well as you perhaps believed.

On to advisory matters. If I pass an Athlon-based computer at any time and, upon examination, discover that it has not been overclocked, is it permissible to correct the situation?

Warmest regards,
Sir Twist

P.S. j00 (4nn07 ?35157 /\/\`/ 5k1ll5! 1 pwn j00 & j0r 7h?34d!!

My athlon 500 (slot a) is still to this day never been overclocked, for one thing I didnt get around to getting a gold fingers device. Besides, it took me well over two years to get the thing stable in the first place (long story - bad supplier) .... :(

If you were in melb I would welcome you to come soup it up a little :D

[StygiaN]

Dear Mr Bishi

My mates and I have had this discussion many times and are yet to come up with an answer. When putting your underwear on do should one put their left leg in first or their right leg in first, or does it make no difference either way?

David

[kré]

Originally posted by SirTwist

On to advisory matters. If I pass an Athlon-based computer at any time and, upon examination, discover that it has not been overclocked, is it permissible to correct the situation?


Passing CPUs would be painful! :eek:

[Farbs]

Dear Bishi,

I would like to be praised and adored for having created great creative works, however I'm far too lazy to actually do any work besides occasionally having ideas. What ever can I do?

Regards,
Farbs.

[gIrLgEeK]

LOL ... you can tell someone's a Microfortean! :D

[Farbs]

Originally posted by gIrLgEeK
LOL ... you can tell someone's a Microfortean! :D Now now, don't bite the hand that fed you free piss and BBQed nibblies the other night:p

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by SirTwist
Dear Bishi,

Thank you for your previous comments. As you may have seen, you may not know the esteemed Lady Diva quite as well as you perhaps believed.

On to advisory matters. If I pass an Athlon-based computer at any time and, upon examination, discover that it has not been overclocked, is it permissible to correct the situation?

Warmest regards,
Sir Twist

P.S. j00 (4nn07 ?35157 /\/\`/ 5k1ll5! 1 pwn j00 & j0r 7h?34d!!

Sir Twist

Should you discover an Athlon based computer that is not overclocked it is permissable to remedy the problem providing you don't spend enough on a liquid nitrogen cooling system to have purchased a Cray T3E1200.

I hope this helps.

Best regards

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

P.S. h@AH4H4 n0O8 TH3RE @R3 NO 5uCH tH1n9$ A$ @mD 80xoR5 ThAt H@VE n0+ 8EEn 0V3RCloCK3D!!!

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by StygiaN
Dear Mr Bishi

My mates and I have had this discussion many times and are yet to come up with an answer. When putting your underwear on do should one put their left leg in first or their right leg in first, or does it make no difference either way?

David

Lord Dave of Styg,

When I dress I always put my right leg in first as the right is my preferred leg for activities such as kicking the begging orphans that gather at the gates of Bishi Manor. You may be familliar with the phrase "Put your best foot forward", it is a little known fact that this term originated in response to precisely your problem.

However, I'm sure that your preference bears little consequence in the great scheme of things and that you should do as you please.

Yours sincerely

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[StygiaN]

Dear Mr Bishi

I'd like to thank you for your prompt reply. It surely has made my life a lot easier, knowing that it really doesn't matter and that i've been worrying over nothing all this time.

Another pressing matter that requires your attention. I find it hard to sit still. Now this is not something that i've had a problem with all my life, it only seemed to happen after I finished primary school. Why do you think I am struggling to sit still and what can I do to combat this embarrassing problem?

Dave

ps. give my love to Mr Bishi

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Farbs
Dear Bishi,

I would like to be praised and adored for having created great creative works, however I'm far too lazy to actually do any work besides occasionally having ideas. What ever can I do?

Regards,
Farbs.

Sir Farbs,

Due to the sorcery of computers it is relatively simple to pass off ideas and work as your own using the wonders of 'airbrush' for graphics, 'Global find & replace' for text and the art of 'Lying through your deceitful, rotting teeth' for ideas.

You seem an imaginitive guy, put it to use!

P.S. IF I FIND OUT IT WAS YOU THAT SOLD ME THOSE PAINTINGS I WILL FEED YOU TO MY HOUNDS.

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by StygiaN
Dear Mr Bishi

I'd like to thank you for your prompt reply. It surely has made my life a lot easier, knowing that it really doesn't matter and that i've been worrying over nothing all this time.

Another pressing matter that requires your attention. I find it hard to sit still. Now this is not something that i've had a problem with all my life, it only seemed to happen after I finished primary school. Why do you think I am struggling to sit still and what can I do to combat this embarrassing problem?

Dave

ps. give my love to Mr Bishi

Lord Dave of Stygian

I mischeviously put drawing pins on all of your furniture, you should also be aware that your back door is open and you have no milk.

Teehee

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire.

[Farbs]

Originally posted by MisterBishi
Sir Farbs,

Due to the sorcery of computers it is relatively simple to pass off ideas and work as your own using the wonders of 'airbrush' for graphics, 'Global find & replace' for text and the art of 'Lying through your deceitful, rotting teeth' for ideas.

You seem an imaginitive guy, put it to use!

P.S. IF I FIND OUT IT WAS YOU THAT SOLD ME THOSE PAINTINGS I WILL FEED YOU TO MY HOUNDS. wanders off to copy the trailer park page :D

[SirTwist]

Dear Bishi,

Seeing as I have a spare Cray T3E1200 in my study, I have no qualms about continuing to spend money on nitrogen cooling systems. I have, however, found the mineral-oil submersion system much preferable.

Thanks very much for your time.

Sincerely yours,
Sir Twist

P.S.

P.S. h@AH4H4 n0O8 TH3RE @R3 NO 5uCH tH1n9$ A$ @mD 80xoR5 ThAt H@VE n0+ 8EEn 0V3RCloCK3D!!! [/B]
My athlon 500 (slot a) is still to this day never been overclocked, for one thing I didnt get around to getting a gold fingers device. Besides, it took me well over two years to get the thing stable in the first place (long story - bad supplier) ....
j00 l4m3? 815h! j00 h4v3 n0 1337 |<n0w13d63!!

[]-[Å®ÐRøçK]

Dojo Master Bishisan,
Why does it seem that whenever a problem is solved in life, three more pop up to take it's place? Please teach me your über1337 ninja skillz to defeat these evil problems.

Regards,
HardRocksan

[Snowball]

THe coathanger is for the aboring when you wake up in the morning from the vodka hangover next to one butt ugly guy.

Trust me it has happend to me before.


Not the ugly guy bit. well not that i can remember.

[Snowball]

but there was that one morning when.. oh never mind

[MisterBishi]

The coathanger and vodka are actually for something far more sinister and morally questionable.

[Colonel Kurtz]

Go Bishi, Go Bishi, Go Bishi....

oh sorry

Dear Bishi, with the current drought here in australia, my garden is very brown and faded, with many of the plants dying. My lawn is dead, the trees weeping and the ferns curling up. My question to you is this; How do I kill the postman?

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Colonel Kurtz
Go Bishi, Go Bishi, Go Bishi....

oh sorry

Dear Bishi, with the current drought here in australia, my garden is very brown and faded, with many of the plants dying. My lawn is dead, the trees weeping and the ferns curling up. My question to you is this; How do I kill the postman?

Kurtz hasn't been around of late, which suggests he's not happy with the new rules, as such, I won't help with his problem.

For everybody else, surgery is open again.

[Bostonmess]

What new rules yer koont?

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Bostonmess
What new rules yer koont?

I meant the forum rules, but I have a new thread rule too.

Don't mess with the wise man, you big-eyed mother-fucker.

[Bostonmess]

Mess? Why that's my middle name. Wise man? I won't if I ever find one :)

[kleph]

My most respectful Lord of Worstershire,

I have recently garnered gainful employment after a long period without the luxury of a regular means of pecuniary subsistance. This has created a welcome change in my lifestyle yet I find I am already finding my inner core of being to be subsumed by enuii and despair. My soul aches for release from the shackles of this daily labor but I have no other recourse.

Thus, I turn to you for assistance in the matter. Might I borrow or perhaps be bestowed about $100,000 (US) to save my being from the cruel fate of modern labour? It seems a small price for someone of your stature to pay to ensure the well-being of something so precious it is without price.

I humbly await your response.

Respectfully yours,

Kleph

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by kleph
My most respectful Lord of Worstershire,

I have recently garnered gainful employment after a long period without the luxury of a regular means of pecuniary subsistance. This has created a welcome change in my lifestyle yet I find I am already finding my inner core of being to be subsumed by enuii and despair. My soul aches for release from the shackles of this daily labor but I have no other recourse.

Thus, I turn to you for assistance in the matter. Might I borrow or perhaps be bestowed about $100,000 (US) to save my being from the cruel fate of modern labour? It seems a small price for someone of your stature to pay to ensure the well-being of something so precious it is without price.

I humbly await your response.

Respectfully yours,

Kleph

DEAR KLEPH,

IT IS FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT, KLEPH FUNNY AS I HAVE REASON TO REQUEST YOUR ASSISTANCE IN AN URGENT BUSINESS MATTER SO ITS FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT!

FOR TIME FACTOR, CONFIDENTIALITY AND PERSONALITY OF PEOPLE INVOLVED HERE IN WORCESTERSHIRE, WE CHOSE THIS APPROACH FOR THE REMITTANCE OF FIFTEEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS (US$15.5M), PLEASE BEAR WITH US FOR MAKING THE INITIAL CONTACT THROUGH ZGEEK FORUMS. BUT YOU APPROACHED ME FIRST SO DON'T FALL FOR MORE WRONG HANDS AGAIN PLASTERBOARD HOVERCRAFT WINDOW KTHX.

WE ARE MEMBERS OF THE SPECIAL COMMITTEE FOR BUDGET AND PLANNING OF THE MINISTRY OF PETROLEUM WITH OUR POSITIONS WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY SECURED FOR OURSELVES THE SUM OF FIFTEEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS (US$15.5M). THE AMOUNT WAS ACCUMULATED THROUGH UNDECLARED WINDFALL SALES OF CRUDE OIL DURING THE GULF WAR.

DO YOU SEE?

HENCE TOGETHER WITH SOME OF THE TOP OFFICIALS OF THE WORCESTERSHIRE NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION, THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. WE PLAN TO TRANSFER THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY FIFTEEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS (US$15.5M) INTO AN OVERSEAS ACCOUNT. TO THIS EFFECT I DECIDED THAT I CAN HELP YOU KLEPH HELP YOU TO HELP YOURSELF BECAUSE IM HERE TO HELP YOU HELP DO YOU SEE?

WHAT WE NEED FROM YOU SIR, IS TO PROVIDE A VERY VITAL ACCOUNT IN WHICH THE FUNDS WILL BE TRANSFERED. MY COLLEAGUES AND I HAVE AGREED TO COMPENSATE THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT USED FOR THIS TRANSACTION WITH 30% OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT REMITTED. WE SHALL KEEP 60% AND REMAINING 10% RESERVED FOR TAXES AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS EXPENSES.

IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT LAST TWO YEARS A SIMILAR TRANSACTION WAS CARRIED OUT WITH ONE MR. PATRICE MILLER, HE THEN MOVED HIS HOUSE AWAY REALLOCATED TO SOMEBODY ELSE MAYBE WHO KNOWS NOT ME THATS FIR SURE THAT IS HOW WE LOST US$8M TO MR. PATRICE MILLER DO YOU SEE? MORE WRONG HANDS ARE SOMEWHERE KLEPH MAYBE BARBADOS I DO NOT KNOW.

THIS TIME AROUND WE NEED A MORE RELIABE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON, YOU HAVE PROVED YOURSELF TO BE TRUSTED AND INTERESTED IN THIS DEAL SO WE ARE PREPARED TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE STATED ON NUMEROUS OCCASION THAT YOU HATE I MISTERBISHI BUT I DONT MIND BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY FIVE WINNERS IN THIS DEAL DO YOU SEE? FIVE WINNERS KLEPH FIVE WINNERS IN THIS DEAL.

PLEASE SIR, KINDLY TREAT AS VERY URGENT AND STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL, I HONESTLY ASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE BUT THERE IS ONLY FIVE WINNERS.

I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR URGENT REPLY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR EXPECTED CO-OPERATION AND GOD BLESS YOU.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED, SO THAT WE CAN URGENTLY LOOK FOR ANOTHER PARTNER. YOURS TRULY,

LORD BISHI OF WORCESTERSHIRE

[kré]

Originally posted by MisterBishi
The coathanger and vodka are actually for something far more sinister and morally questionable.

i believe i know what you are talking about. observe an image i have created for such moments:

http://www.crayonline.com/pics/other/hanger.jpg

[Shez]

Dear Sir,

Lately i have been feeling as if my body is punishing me for not feeding it enough alcoholic beverages...
Do you think this could happen to me?
And if so, is there any cure?
I think non-kinki punsihment is not very nice and would like to put a stop to it. =)

Sweetest regards n stuff

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by Shez
Dear Sir,

Lately i have been feeling as if my body is punishing me for not feeding it enough alcoholic beverages...
Do you think this could happen to me?
And if so, is there any cure?
I think non-kinki punsihment is not very nice and would like to put a stop to it. =)

Sweetest regards n stuff

Lady Shezbot,

From the sweet depths of an after-dinner glass of Irish cream to the sophisticated whisper of a custom-infused cannabis martini, homemade liqueurs can be crafted to suit every mood, taste and dastardly criminal intention. They make ideal gifts for any occasion, they require no special equipment, and best of all, they can often prove fatal!

But - and there's always a but - creating your own liqueurs means effort, and effort is the enemy of the inebriated.

I therefore recommend a couple of bottles of Sherwood's Cream, at £2.99 a bottle, it is sure to get you thoroughly smashed. Should you ever find yourself passing Bishi Manor, but sure to ring the bell at the portcullis and I'll gladly allow you into my home to sample a bottle.

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[prong]

Dear Bishi,

though i have never before spoken to your esteemed self i was hoping that you could help me with a problem of mine. I wish to obtain an compaq ipaq. The condition and model of this ipaq does not matter to me, i do not need a working ipaq. I have tried such quality markets as ebay but have not found an ipaq cheap enough for my purposes. Would you know where i could find an ipaq that would suit?

yours in admiration
Lord Prong

[KeesMum]

Dear Bishi,

I have a problem.Please help me.

You see,I have this overwhelming urge to place a pillow over my roomate's face while she sleeps..I don't think I've ever disliked another woman so strongly.She just rubs me the wrong way,nine times out of ten.I'm not nearly as low class (and whatever else you've called me) as you'd think.I'm really just a decent mum who wants to keep the peace in a turbulent environment.

Note:kicking the hussy out is not financially feasable at the moment.

What shall I do?

Sincerely,

Trixie of Douglas Manor (?)

[huwbacca]

Dear Bishi,

While in transit, i have often wondered how one measures the size or weight of nothing or something.
I seldom wake in the middle of the night shivering in a cold sweat as i cannot fathom how one goes about
measuring such a thing.

Gracefuly yours

Huwbacca the drunk

[MisterBishi]

I'm working on it guys!

[MisterBishi]

Hearty greetings to all of my fellow ZGeeks,

Previous requests in this thread that appear to have gone un-answered have been dealt with in a more discreet manner using the witchcraft of modern technology.

However, the troubled amongst you will be glad to here that I am once again available to answer your queries on all manner of subjects.

Regards

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[nosedog]

Dear Lord Bishi

I have an unfortunate predicament which is causing me a great deal of botheration. The issue at hand stems from a local carpet cleaning establishment who solicit their services via the telephone. Over a year ago, their unremitting and objectionable communications led me to ring them directly and demand that my phone number be struck from their register. I had since thought that my course of action had resolved the problem, however I just recently received a call from the very same firm, intent on advertising me the very same service!

My choice of options is indeed a quandary - should I challenge the roguish rascals to pistols at dawn, or take an altogether different approach to solving this vexatious issue?

Sincerely
Count nosedog of nasalhoundshire

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by nosedog
Dear Lord Bishi

I have an unfortunate predicament which is causing me a great deal of botheration. The issue at hand stems from a local carpet cleaning establishment who solicit their services via the telephone. Over a year ago, their unremitting and objectionable communications led me to ring them directly and demand that my phone number be struck from their register. I had since thought that my course of action had resolved the problem, however I just recently received a call from the very same firm, intent on advertising me the very same service!

My choice of options is indeed a quandary - should I challenge the roguish rascals to pistols at dawn, or take an altogether different approach to solving this vexatious issue?

Sincerely
Count nosedog of nasalhoundshire

Count nosedog,

Although violence may be your preferred choice, seeing that you're a typical Aussie hoon, other solutions are indeed available.

Privacy NSW, along with Lawlink NSW (http://www.lawlink.nsw.gov.au/pc.nsf/pages/privacy13) offer a service to remove yourself from the list of such dastardly telemarketers, and I'm sure such services exist for other Australian states.

I know that in the glorious country that is the United Kingdom of Great England and Nearby Countries Colinised By Us (Jewish or Otherwise) Our Lord Amen, it is an offence to contact anybody who has opted to remove themselves from such lists, and you are within your rights to sue unsolicited advertising persons.

I truly hope my assistance is satisfactory,

Regards,

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[Chrissy]

Dear Lord Bishi,

It was such a delight to me to find that your wonderfully helpful thread had been re-instated to the front page, as I have a small issue to discuss which has been vexing me for quite sometime.

It has become apparent to me over the last few months that the general populace of our great and mighty country, The United Kingdom, is growing less and less complimentary towards our spectacular capital city, namely London.

As I am sure you aware, the inhabitants of London feel, in my humble opinion, that they are far above the rest of the hoi polloi, in terms of both mental and physical stature, and we are frankly terribly upset that we are not being given the respect we deserve.

Why, only recently, I was embroiled in a particularly heated discussion with a superb chap who lives near yourself in Birmingham over this very matter, and I am afraid to say that some blood was spilled on my antique Persian rug.

So, to bring me to my point, I thought it would be a wonderful idea if you would do me the honour of taking up my cause and standing alongside me in the fight to make Britons in general respectful of our beautiful Capital once again.

You have the respect of a great many people and I am sure that they would be only too happy to come around to my way of thinking if only you would back my little campaign. Obviously I would be more than happy to remunerate you with a tidy little sum in payment for your support. I understand that the roof of your magnificent home needs re-tiling, and with a little help from me, you could commission a tradesperson to make it fast before this winter. (I feel it only fair to add that good old Auntie Liz has agreed that tea and scones at the Palace would be in order should you decide to help, and I know how much you would enjoy this great honour!)

I look forward to your prompt reply.

Yours, as always, your humble servant,

Miss Chrissy 'Horsey' Blouson-Strapp

[ToaDady]

Dear Lord Bishi,

My eldest daughter princiss PeaWea ,whome resides in my castle ,has been for better words coming of age, her womanly phisic is showing and i'm afraid of the nongentlemen of my age looking at her and having not very "clean" thoughts of her. I keep her dressed in the most respectfull of clothings and seldome let her out among the common peasants. other than keeping her locked up in the bell tower, what other advise do you have?

sincerly,
King Toadady,ruler of Hoopty

[MisterBishi]

Miss Blouson-Strapp,

I consider your request, which I shall not do you the honour of quoting, to be an obscene and direct insult to the work that I put in to assist those in a less fortunate position than myself.

Had I not been in regular contact with in the months following the good Count Silvio's Spring Equinox Swingers Party. I would have put your request down to the same blind ignorance that manifests itself via witchcraft to my desk each day, but the fact that we are very much acquainted should leave you in no doubt as to my thoughts on the vulgarity that is my good nation's capital.

May I politely request that you never again foul the sanctity of my beautiful thread with your vile middle-England bigotry and London bias.

Sincerely

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by ToaDady
Dear Lord Bishi,

My eldest daughter princiss PeaWea ,whome resides in my castle ,has been for better words coming of age, her womanly phisic is showing and i'm afraid of the nongentlemen of my age looking at her and having not very "clean" thoughts of her. I keep her dressed in the most respectfull of clothings and seldome let her out among the common peasants. other than keeping her locked up in the bell tower, what other advise do you have?

sincerly,
King Toadady,ruler of Hoopty

King Toadady of Hoopty,

I too have the pleasure of a beautiful daughter and, I trust you'll agree, precious few experiences in life evoke the same bittersweet sensation, like the finest dark chocolate, of seeing them grow into the beautiful, sexual beasts they become at the age of 15.

While I appreciate your concern, your role of a parent to care for young PeaWea is equalled only by your duty to help her grow to adulthood.

I would suggest that the ideal way to help your daughter in her growth, whilst maintaining a souvenir of her ever-diminishing youth, is to bring her to Bishi Manor and have me create a portfolio of tasteful nude photographs.

This way you and I can revel in her beauty long after her purity is snatched from her by the men of your kingdom, perhaps in one of the Bukkake Tournaments that your good nation of Hoopty is best known for.

My kindest remarks, Your Majesty,

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[ToaDady]

Dear Lord Bishi,

Deepest thank you's for your advise. I'll have to bring the idea up to the Queen, although if not recived well she will request that your's and my head will be at the reciving end of her guilotine.

In the meantime i have grave worries of my brother-in-law, Duke Ben Jacken Off, many of mornings I observe him leading one of the roal sheep off into the fields wearing a pair of large overboots. He usally heads into the direction of the Great Vally, a place with many steep cliffs. His choise of sheep is usally a small new born about two months old.
I've asked the roal sheepherder and he just mumbles somthing about trying them on for size.
I first thought he was selling them on a underground sheep market, but the sheep population has held steady and no sheep are missing. I sent a servant to ask what he does with them . But he returned only to say that he would go with him again moring next just to make shure, and then requested a pair of large over boots too. Is this some fad that I as a king am not in need of?

As for Bukkake Tournaments I hold the record for over two gallons in twenty minuts, all on one wench.If you care to comepete, the tournaments are held the second tuesday of the fifth week each month.

Thank You ,
King Toadady,
Ruler of Hoopty

[Chrissy]

Dear Lord Bishi,

I feel that I should thank you for your earlier reply to my plea for help, and offer my most sincere and heartfelt apologies for my misunderstanding.

It is entirely due to the fact that during the great and auspicious occasion of Count Silvio's Spring Equinox Swingers Party, I, and others clearly heard you shout ‘God Save Our Queen’ while indulging in the delights that The Counts’ Party had to offer.

I mistakenly took this as proof that you would be delighted to be asked to lend your support to my venture.

Upon reflection, I now see that it was foolish to make this assumption, and as a token of my friendship, please find enclosed the Persian rug that I mentioned in my previous communiqué. I am sure that with your vast wealth of knowledge, the bloodstains should pose no problem to you.

I do hope that we may still continue to be good pals, even though there are some matters on which I feel we should agree to disagree. I would like to extend the hand of friendship further by inviting both yourself and Lady Bishi to the occasion of my wedding, where I shall be wedded to the Right Honourable ‘Moneybags’ Smithyewick-Twig.

Princess PeaWea, daughter of King Toadady, ruler of Hoopty has been asked to perform bridesmaidly duties at the ceremony, and I am sure you would simply love to meet her ‘in the flesh’ so to speak..

I do look forward to speaking to you again very soon.

With kindest and warmest regards,

Miss Chrissy 'Horsey' Blouson-Strapp

[kleph]

Yo Bish!

Youz down rite homie is kickin in the southern side of the hemisphere and all these mutherhumpers here only talk in some funny gigglespeak. now i´m down with my cholo socal brothers and all but it´s a bit tough workin the trim when you can't be congugating amore, capiche? so what´s a down right homeslice gonna do?

catch ya back up on the low down.

kleph

[FireHart]

Dear MisterBishi,

I'm confused. My avatar has a HUGE dong. Is that normal? Could this be dangerous to ZGeek members? The character forms my initials, could this destroy space-time continuum?

Your's with extra runka runka runka,

FireHart

[kleph]

My most magnificent Lord Bishi of Worcestershire,

I've been a peruser of your vaunted thread for some time now and it has been my boon to revel in the witticisms and wisdom that it has contained. It's bon mots and profound observations have filled me with mirth and wonder to the utmost degree but I find I have a single request for your most esteemed person...



































ANSWER YOUR FUCKING QUESTIONS, ASSHOLE!!!

christ. you'd think this was the front page of trephination or something.


You most honored colleague,

Kleph

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by kleph
Yo Bish!

Youz down rite homie is kickin in the southern side of the hemisphere and all these mutherhumpers here only talk in some funny gigglespeak. now i´m down with my cholo socal brothers and all but it´s a bit tough workin the trim when you can't be congugating amore, capiche? so what´s a down right homeslice gonna do?

catch ya back up on the low down.

kleph

'Sup Klephson?

Now I get why you ain't been rockin' my celly selling da smelly.

Keep on clock in dem south sides bro, bare breas be kickin' the kfc big one wid' the tsunamis and volcanic shit happenin' dem sides, seen?

Dat hemisphere shiznit pure confuzzles my nuzzle too bro, long times I got lean up off da green an' found myself bare glarin' at da heineken an' all going wrong circles with the flush, which got me thinkin', what happens to dem mans livin' it up equator sides when they be disposin' of the shiznit? Dem Ecuador mans gotta be rockin' some rank smellin' mud huts, seen?

I'm bare lean right now bro, an' I'm 'specting I've gone long ways and asked more q's than I've solved, but I'm guessing dat's the way you men of werds like to slide, so I'm gonna get back to ma yard and get me freak on wid the duchess.

Catch you on da flipside, homeslice.

[plext]

Most honourable 'Bishi,

Not being a native of these shores and therefore unfamiliar with the customs, I have a query and would be most pleased if you could provide some insight.

It is a case of cause and effect, or more precisely, which is in action.

Why oh why is it, that every time I venture out into the traffic in my beloved vehicle, that unknown parties, invariably driving a Golf GTI seem determined to place my good self and my vehicle into the nearest hedge?

I have worked out in fairly short order that most GTI drivers are "tossers" to use the local vernacular. The question remains: Are tossers attracted to Golf GTI's? Or is there something wholly more sinister at work where the gubbins in Wolfsburg have developed a system to turn the most mild mannered motorist into a fucking wanker the moment he/she enters said vehicle?

Any light you can shed upon this phenomena will be most welcome.

[kleph]

Originally posted by MisterBishi
'Sup Klephson?

Now I get why you ain't been rockin' my celly selling da smelly.

Keep on clock in dem south sides bro, bare breas be kickin' the kfc big one wid' the tsunamis and volcanic shit happenin' dem sides, seen?

Dat hemisphere shiznit pure confuzzles my nuzzle too bro, long times I got lean up off da green an' found myself bare glarin' at da heineken an' all going wrong circles with the flush, which got me thinkin', what happens to dem mans livin' it up equator sides when they be disposin' of the shiznit? Dem Ecuador mans gotta be rockin' some rank smellin' mud huts, seen?

I'm bare lean right now bro, an' I'm 'specting I've gone long ways and asked more q's than I've solved, but I'm guessing dat's the way you men of werds like to slide, so I'm gonna get back to ma yard and get me freak on wid the duchess.

Catch you on da flipside, homeslice.

werd, dawg.

[MisterBishi]

Originally posted by FireHart
Dear MisterBishi,

I'm confused. My avatar has a HUGE dong. Is that normal? Could this be dangerous to ZGeek members? The character forms my initials, could this destroy space-time continuum?

Your's with extra runka runka runka,

FireHart




Mr. FireHart,

In Swedish tradition, the exaggerated genitals of the representative of a warrior, generally implies a degree of insecurity on their behalf.

By depicting this effigy of yourself possessing such impressive genitalia, you hope to deter the enemy by filling them with the fear of a great warrior. Whereas, in reality, were it not for Turska and popular boyhood tales, you'd be barely conversant with the wonderful smells associated with a lady.

I would suggest changing your avatar or, at least, refraining from drawing attention to it in future.

Teidän,

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[nosedog]

My dearest Bishi

I was recently perusing the World Wide Web and was struck by just how shallow, trite and intellectually barren the 'zGeek' threads have become. It seems that the rigorous pursuit of intellectual betterment through knowledgeable conversation has given way to childish humour, stodgy ravings and the overuse of hackneyed phrases for cheap titillation. In short, the population of theses forums appear to have the cerebral capacity of a northern sea trout and the same objectionable smell.

So my question to you, Misterbishi, is of course how to solve the problem! How do we repress these unschooled plebians? How do we halt the accumulation of deadwood posts that are creating a significant fire hazard in these confines? How do we foster innovation and creativity amongst the desperately mundane riffraff of this place? An answer would be a boon indeed!

Yours Sincererly
Count nosedog of nasalhoundshire

[MsKara]

Dearest Bishi,

Upon first contact with your most honorable self in the infamous IRC #ZGeek room I was offered the option of counsel upon requisition from your scholared and cognoscenti self. Now upon browsing the just as infamous forums I find that you offer these services to anyone/thing that asks for your expert and masterly opinions and advice.

I have since found that my sense of self worth has decended into a previously unreached abyss of desperation. Was I ill-concieved in my perception of our first conjunction? Am I merely another fledgling? Or am I an apprentice to your holiest of selves who is one day destined to become something great?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Your sponsored n00b

[kleph]

yo! bish! why no more 411, bitch?

[MisterBishi]

The unholy trinity of Ivy, Imp and Jesus used their feminine charm to woo my customers. :mad:

[tikdoph]

NOW I know why nosedog left... Bishi abandoned him in his hour of greatest need. *sniff* *sob*

CURSE YOU, BISHI! :spingo:

[MisterBishi]

You have to admit, he asked a lot of me, and still nobody has managed to find the solution.

[kleph]

hey. i got a free unwarranted flame for my efforts so i can actually say i got something out of the deal.

[MisterBishi]

What flame was that?

[MC SoD]

What flame was that?

You're supposed to be answering the questions here, not asking them Mister!

[MisterBishi]

Quiet you. :mad:

[MC SoD]

I'm sorry

[Glompbot]

Dearest kind sir,

I have recently noticed that you are one with the ninjapowers, how did you reach such an exhalted state of ninja greatness?

kindest regards
Sapia

[MisterBishi]

Dearest kind sir,

I have recently noticed that you are one with the ninjapowers, how did you reach such an exhalted state of ninja greatness?

kindest regards
Sapia

Dear Sapia,

While it may appear that I have acquired my ninja status overnight, it has in fact taken several years to hone my skills.

You may be surprised to hear that none of my ninja skills were achieved through the dedication and hard work that I have put into this thread for nigh-on two years. A shocking state of affairs, I trust you'll agree.

I would say that a good breakfast is the only way for a true ninja to start the day, follow that up with a few semi-decent posts and you should be on your way.

Kindest Regards,

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[Glompbot]

Dear Lord Bishi of Worcestershire Sauce

Indeed that is dastardly news that you have not gained any ninja powers from the effort you have put into this thread, I would rep you but alas, it seems I have used up my daily amount... and I am certain that I have given you ninja votes too recently.

I have recently started eating breakfast cereal, this is a first for me as never in my life have I been able to stomach food in the morning (I suspect this may be due to the fact that working nights has turned my morning into your afternoon)... So I am already up on that one.

I am possibly prematurely offended, and feel the need to clarify the point... Were you infact implying that my existing posts are not worthy of ninja?

Kindest mildly miffed regards
Lady Sapia of Turtling.

[MisterBishi]

Dear Lord Bishi of Worcestershire Sauce

Indeed that is dastardly news that you have not gained any ninja powers from the effort you have put into this thread, I would rep you but alas, it seems I have used up my daily amount... and I am certain that I have given you ninja votes too recently.

I have recently started eating breakfast cereal, this is a first for me as never in my life have I been able to stomach food in the morning (I suspect this may be due to the fact that working nights has turned my morning into your afternoon)... So I am already up on that one.

I am possibly prematurely offended, and feel the need to clarify the point... Were you infact implying that my existing posts are not worthy of ninja?

Kindest mildly miffed regards
Lady Sapia of Turtling.
Your not-so-shabby ninja power of 54 provides compelling evidence to the contrary!

[Glompbot]

True, yet why do people still insist on downvoting me randomly?

[MisterBishi]

True, yet why do people still insist on downvoting me randomly?
Those who downvote without providing valuable comment are not well versed in the ways of the ninja and are looked down upon by the Grand Master, who may or may not be an old version of Matthew Broderick from around the time of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

[SOC]

Dear He-Who-Has-All-The-Answers

On my Zgeek profile, it says I joined the site in June 2001. Pirate's profile says he joined in July 2001. How could I have joined the site BEFOE its creator? That's like joining the Universe before the Big Bang!

Yours,
Puzzled

PS: Keep up the good work. It keeps you off the streets.

[kleph]

My most esteemed Lord Bishi of Worstershire,

Recently, I recieved the following notice in my interweb mailbox thingy courtesy the British Embassy here in Lima.

EL VIZCONDE MONTGOMERY OF ALAMEIN DE VISITA EN LIMA

El empresario británico y Presidente del Baring Puma Fund, Vizconde Montgomery of Alamein, llegó a Lima con el fin de participar en diversas actividades de carácter empresarial y de intercambio cultural y político.

Dentro de su apretado programa, el martes 28 participará en un desayuno de trabajo de las Cámaras de Comercio Europeas, en compañía del Embajador Británico, Richard Ralph. El tema de discusión será “Crecimiento de la Unión Europea: Oportunidades para Negocios”. Luego visitará la Liga Parlamentaria Peruano Británica en el Palacio Legislativo y posteriormente se reunirá con el embajador Luis Solari Tudela, designado como Embajador del Perú en el Reino Unido, y el embajador Armando Lecaros de Cossio.

El miércoles 29 Lord Montgomery participará en un desayuno de trabajo empresarial en la residencia del Embajador Británico, donde disertará acerca de las oportunidades de negocios entre el Reino Unido y América Latina. Durante el resto del día se reunirá con representantes del mundo diplomático y cultural británico.

I was curious as to how I should prepare for this event and what kind of blackmail I should be trying to obtain during its occurance?

Yours with trepidation and reverance,

kleph

[TK-421]

Dear Misterbishi,
Do you feel speshial?

yours forever,
TK

[MisterBishi]

I feel pretty shit, actually, first day back at work and all.

Thanks for asking though, buddy, you brightened up my day a little. I still feel pretty shit though.

[TK-421]

I feel pretty shit, actually, first day back at work and all.

Thanks for asking though, buddy, you brightened up my day a little. I still feel pretty shit though.
Bear DisterMishi,
maybe you could post that in the I Confess thread and get some rep to make you feel better?

As always
Yours faithfully
TK

[MisterBishi]

ok!

[kleph]

misterbishi,

which is updated less, this thread or trephination?

kleph

[MisterBishi]

Treph has had 2 in a little over 6 months and he we are with a few small updates today after the mini-resurgence back in September.

So to answer your question.. I don't know, man.

[kleph]

you know, it's times like this i feel the romance has gone out of our relationship.

[King_Crud]

you know, it's times like this i feel the romance has gone out of our relationship.
do you want me to jump in and spice it up? Just the three of us, c'mon, it'll be fun

[FuncowK]

Dear Bishi,
How do you keep your nose hairs so trim? Do you have any advice on hiding liver spots, black heads, and goiters? Would putting a hat on my neck goiter and drawing a smily face on it suffice?

[Urban3300]

Dear Lord Bishi of Worcestershire, Bishikaka of Mumwabakala, honored knight of England and all the other titles I can't be fucked to write for I am running out of ink and feathers. As I was drinking my scotch on a fine leather chair by the fireplace in my silk robe while the maid was kneeled down infront of me examining my prostate I was wondering if you'd know the cure for all this Ask <insert nick here> thread fagotry, surely it is not penicillin? I regret to say that I must go to the drawing room now, good day good sir.

Yours, Count Silvio Dante.

[snoopen]

Dearest Homer,

This is pure speculation, which I believe is an attempt to tarnish my reputation by associating me with modern day convenience stores and there vacuum-packed, inedible food.

...

Yours

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire.
Dearest Bishi,

It is foolhardy, my dear fellow, that you further offer counsel, to those whose minds seek resolve, with your current feeble-minded fervour.

As has come to my recent attention, your standard of English is lesser than that of a Prairie Grammar Graduate. I mean, not to quibble, but to advise you, Sir, that many read your word as unequivocal truth.

My mind was sent willy recently whilst reading your popular advice, uncovering a blunder. The travesty that brings me to this assertion is your chaotic use of the incongruent terms “their” and “there”.

Please, Sir, should you continue to offer counsel, better your English, else ensure your words are coherent in the way of the language.

Yours respectively,
Good Sir Snoopen, Baron of the Bergamot Kingdom

[polite]

Dear Bishi,
I killed a sea mammal with my hands. It gave me an erection and caused me to read all about Ted Bundy.
Does this mean I can't eat my sweets?.
Kind regards,
polite.

[Directed]

Dearest Bishi,

It is foolhardy, my dear fellow, that you further offer counsel, to those whose minds seek resolve, with your current feeble-minded fervour.

As has come to my recent attention, your standard of English is lesser than that of a Prairie Grammar Graduate. I mean, not to quibble, but to advise you, Sir, that many read your word as unequivocal truth.

My mind was sent willy recently whilst reading your popular advice, uncovering a blunder. The travesty that brings me to this assertion is your chaotic use of the incongruent terms “their” and “there”.

Please, Sir, should you continue to offer counsel, better your English, else ensure your words are coherent in the way of the language.

Yours respectively,
Good Sir Snoopen, Baron of the Bergamot Kingdom


When you criticize grammar, it is good form to use proper grammar yourself. Unless you are deliberately trying to be ironic.

[dozer]

did it hurt? also is there a difference between regular and special?

http://jwcc.orcon.net.nz/psx/bishi_bashi_special.jpg

[kleph]

My most right reverend Bishi of Daltoforth Abby,

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Your humble and obedient servant,

kleph

[Thyrd]

Dear Bishi,

Why do you not answer the questions of your devoted followers?

Kind regards
Me

[dilligaf]

Dear bishi,

What is this zCash thing i keep seeing.....everywhere!

Cheers. dil

[Thyrd]

Bear Bishi

Bump

Lots of love,
Me

[kleph]

The most Right Reverend Bishi of Bumsmackbottom,

Perhaps few things have troubled the placid meandering contemplations of thoughtful men than the necessity of back hair, moreover the preponderance thereof. The opposable thumbs, the navel, the ingrown toenail even. These are lustrous certainties in comparison with this hirsute mystery. Being able to boast a singularity of brow yourself, I was curious to your contemplations on this line of reasoning and, perhaps, some applications of the same in our daily mundane lives.

With cordial grace and respect,

Your most loyal servant,

kleph de la lugares muy sur de su isla

[MisterBishi]

kleph,

answer my pm next time you jesus cocker.

love you bye

bishi :mad:

[kleph]

my good bish-o-rama, master of wordsmithery and midwifery and possibly both, i must beg a million pardons, oh poncy one. i was unavoidably detained poring through the extensive - scintillating and, dare i say it? - borderline revolutionary prose that graces your essay on the stone roses epinomious offering.

your editor with nigh-infinite patience,

kleph

[MisterBishi]

ok point taken

[Jimma]

Dear Lord Bishi, it is your dear friend Sir Jimma of Sacklikson writing. I wish to know - scar non? Also, why is it that when I think I'm thinking I'm actually just

[excalibur]

Lord bishi,

It is your loyal subject Excalibur writing to you begging a question. When one is in a court of law, what is the correct term to address the presiding Magistrate? I have heard a number of terms, ranging from your worship, to your honour, and simply sir. May you please inform me on the correct term.

Thanking you

Sir Excalibur of the scabbard.

[Glompbot]

Your Honour is generally correct.

[anothe]

Hey Bishi,

What is your favourite Fourtet album?

[anothe]

:mad:

[MisterBishi]

Hey Bishi,

What is your favourite Fourtet album?

That's an easy one, Rounds.

[excalibur]

Your Honour is generally correct.
It turns out that "Your Worship" is the traditional title in Australia of a magistrate, and as American influence is spreading worldwide, "Your Honour" is becoming more prevelant.

[scathing]

Apparently nothing gets a magistrate offended faster than calling him "your honor", back in the day.

Maybe with a further American influence its not as bad, but when I was doing work experience at a law firm / doing mock trials you'll probably get a swift rebuke from the magistrate to stop watching so much American TV and learn to call them by their proper title if you called them that.

[MC SoD]

It turns out that "Your Worship" is the traditional title in Australia of a magistrate, and as American influence is spreading worldwide, "Your Honour" is becoming more prevelant.

(Victoria answer). The old rule was "Your worship" in the lower courts (Magistrates) and "Your Honour" for a Judge. 1 December 2003 the Magistrates' Court issued a practice direction requiring that Magistrates be addressed as "Your Honour".

I have had a client call a Magistrate "your judge".

[kleph]

less info, more witty rejoinders.

[Urban3300]

Venerable Lord Bishi of Worcestershire, fellow scrabble connoisseur. I would like to take this opportunity, the grand re-opening of the Drawing Room, to invite you and your lovely consort to my mansion for a cup of Earl Grey tea and a game of Backgammon or Scrabble.

P.S. Regrettably it has come to my attention that the courier I used to deliver your last letter has been captured by Prospero Lex thus the letter never arrived to your manor. The courier I am using now should be more qualified in this mission.

Sincerely yours, Count Silvio Dante.

[hazza]

Dear Bishi, where does one get their banjo re-strung?

Yours faithfully, hazza.

[Nuisance Value]

Dear Bishi,
What does Mrs Trellis of North Wales think of all this?

Yours faithfully,
Nuisance Value

[MisterBishi]

Venerable Lord Bishi of Worcestershire, fellow scrabble connoisseur. I would like to take this opportunity, the grand re-opening of the Drawing Room, to invite you and your lovely consort to my mansion for a cup of Earl Grey tea and a game of Backgammon or Scrabble.

P.S. Regrettably it has come to my attention that the courier I used to deliver your last letter has been captured by Prospero Lex thus the letter never arrived to your manor. The courier I am using now should be more qualified in this mission.

Sincerely yours, Count Silvio Dante.

Count Silvio,

The(6) good(8) lady(8) and(4) I(1) were(7) quite(14) delighted(17) to(2) recieve(12) your(7) invite(9) and(4) will(7) be(4) in(2) touch(8) shortly(13) to(2) arrange(10) a(1) game(9).

Sincerely yours,

Lord Bishi of Worcestershire

[MisterBishi]

hmmm, methinks a game is afoot.

I once thought something was afoot, however it turned out to be the hand of a monkey. How unsavoury.

[Mr. Bungle]

my goodness, what's all this about?

[Glompbot]

Lord Worcestershire is a fraud and a charlatan!

[Thyrd]

Dear Bishi of Worcestershire
When shall you be joining us for tea and scones?

Love and waffles
Czar Thyrd of Hapukapsas

[and3w]

Sir Walpole Bishi KPMG DD(oxon) OBEse

Why?

Yours, aye
a minion.