Jokes.

[RaZ]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She
rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home
from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the
mother-in-law
exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love
dress?
But you're naked !"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress ! , he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came
home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you
doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner ?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


people from Newfoundland are referred to as Newfies ....

Two Newfies , Ned 'n Jarge , decided they aren't going anywhere in life and
think they should go to college to get ahead .
Ned goes in first , and the professor advises him to take math , history ,
and logic.
" What's logic? " asked Ned.
The professor answers , " Let me give you an example .
Do you own a weed-eater?
" I sure do ," answers the Newfie .
" Then I can assume , using logic , that you have a yard , " replies the
professor .
" That's real good ." The Newfie responds in awe .
The professor continues , " Logic will also tell me that since you have a
yard you also have a house ."
Impressed , the Newfie shouts , " Darned tootin !! "
" And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself logic dictates that you have a wife ."
" HOLY SHIT!! This is incredible !! " Ned exclaims .
Finally , since you have a wife , logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual ," says the professor .
" Lord thunderin Jesus . You're right on bye ! Why dat's the most
fascinatin' ting I ever heard of .
I caint wait to take dis ' ere logic class ."
Ned , right proud of the new world opening up to him , walks back into the
hallway where Jarge is still waiting .
" So what classes are ya takin ? " asks Jarge .
" Math , history , and logic . " replies Ned .
" What da 'ell is logic ? " asks Jarge ?
" Let me give you an example . Do ya own a weed-eater ? "
" No ." answers Jarge .
" You're a queer , h'ain't ya ? "'

[PhilDude]

no racism intended.... enjoy =D

A taxi driver in the northern territory has a bad habit of running over aboriginals on the side of the road.

One day he is signalled by a priest to take him to the local church.

On the way there he spots and aboriginal standing on the side of the road and instinctively steers to run him over.

At the last minute remembering he has a priest in the car, he swerves, barely missing his target.

As he goes past however, he hears a loud BANG noise and slams on the brakes.

He spins round to ask the priest what happened and the priest replies 'Don't worry, i got him with the back door' =D

[pleed]

A boy walkes into his mothers room and says "Mum, why are prawns between grandma's legs" the mother replies "they are not prawns sweetie, that's her clitoris", to which the boy replies "well, they sure taste like prawns!!"

[Quoka]

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."
The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession. The priest says. Where does he practice?"
The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat house in LasVegas and another in Reno."

[Quoka]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come a first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come a together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one a lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives......."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about sexa? I a justa telling my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[ShadowNemesis]

MEN ARE DOGS

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man
said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that
yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped
the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied," she also needs some tampons."

[Scumbag]

90. Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a jew?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
89. Q: What do you call 10,000 Mexicans at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
88. Q: What do you call a car with 2 Mexicans in the front and three Puerto Ricans in the trunk thats going off a cliff?
A: A damn shame... you could have fit four more in the trunk.
87. Q: What did the Mexican kid down the street get for christmas?
A: My bike.
86. Q: Why can't Christ walk on water?
A: Holes in his feet.
85. Q: Did you hear about the faget that got fired from the sperm bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job.
84. Q: How do you know if a Redneck is a bad father?
A: He lets his 12 year old smoke in front of their kids
83. Q: How many men does it take to change the kitchen light bulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark
82. Q: How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None. It should be open when the woman brings it to him
81. Q: How do you stop Superman from moving?
A: Tape his mouth shut.
80. Q: What's yellow and goes, "cheep cheep"?
A: A Chinese prostitute.
79. Q: How do you make a lump of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
78. Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
77. Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
A: They both dig dead people's holes
76. The abbreviations for Princess Diana and Dodi:
DODI = Died On Dashboard Impact
DIANA = Died In A Nasty Accident
75. Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first ?
A: So you can watch it's expression change.
74. Q: What's small, red, and can't turn corners?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.
73. Q: What is pink, red and silver and bumps into walls?
A: A baby with forks in it's eyes
72. Q: What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A: You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
71. Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
70. Q: What do you call a redneck who doesn't fuck his sister?
A: An only child.
69. Q: Why is a laundry mat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
68. Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
67. Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
66. Q: How do you know if your roommate is gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
65. Q: What's sicker than driving over a baby?
A: Skidding
Q: What's even sicker?
A: Picking it out of the tires

64. Q: What's black and blue and smokes in the corner?
A: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
63. Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
62. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
61. Q: What does a def, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas.
A: Cancer.
60. Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
59. Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face.
58. Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You cant gargle sand.
57. Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
A: Crib death.
56. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy
55. Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
54. Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
53. Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex?
A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women.
52. Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death?
A: Because he's in a wheelchair.
51. Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
50. Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 5 year old?
A: Getting the blood off of your clown costume....
49. Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
A: Stew.
48. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
47. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow.
46. Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
45. Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
44. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
43. Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will know to whom to pay the lower salaries.
42. Q: What has 69 balls and screws old women?
A: Keno.
41. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter. It's not going to come to you anyway.
40. Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.
39. Q: What's black and has 23 tits?
A: The garbage bag outside of a cancer clinic.
38. Q: What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone else's phlegm.
37. Q: What does Superman eat for breakfast?
A: Kryptonite, by the looks of him.
36. Q: What do you do with a one legged dog?
A: Take it for a drag.
35. Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: It's ok to eat your Mom's apple pie.
34. Q: What do fat people do in the summertime?
A: Stink
33. Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.
32. Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?
A: 'Nice tits'
31. Q: How do you punish a leper?
A: Make them do jumping jacks till something falls off.
30. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
A: Ethiopian
29. Q: What's the difference between a bag-lady and a hockey player?
A: A hockey player changes his pads after every three periods.

28. Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
A: "I feel like a kid again."
27. Q: What's better than 2 x 18 year olds in bed?
A: 18 x 2 year olds.
26. Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 3 year old?
A: Hearing her pelvis crack.
25. Q: What's the best part about raping a 6 year old in the ass?
A: Watching her breakdown and cry on the witness stand.
24. Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear
23. Q: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A: A baby in a microwave.
22. Q: How do you stop a baby from choking?
A: Take your dick out of its mouth.
21. Q: What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A: A baby with burst armbands.
20. Q: What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
A: Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them in the ass
19. Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.
18. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
A: You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.
17. Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: A garbage can full of dead babies.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: The one at the bottom is still alive.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: He has to eat his way to freedom.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: He goes back for more.
16. Q: Why did the Baby fall out of the Tree?
A: Because he was DEAD!
15. Q: What's Superman's new weakness?
A: Everything.
14. Q: What's the title Christopher Reeves' next movie?
A: Superman Gets a Good Parking Spot.
13. Q: What do paedophiles and turtles have in common?
A: They both want to get there before the hare!
12. Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?
11. Q: What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A: Finger painting.
10. Q: How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A: If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
9. Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: Ten minutes of silence!
8. Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
7. Q: Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A: It doesn't need cleaning.
6. Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
5. Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love doesn't last forever.
3. Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
2. Q: What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
1. Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A: A bellybutton.

[Scumbag]

185. Q: What did God say to Jesus?
A: "I don't care if you are my son, drop that cross one more time, and you're out of the parade."
184. Q: Why can't Jesus play football?
A: He wears illegal headgear.
183. Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?
A: You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
182. Q: What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross?
A: "This was one Hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation."
181. Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: Because he was nailed to the chicken!
180. Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
179. Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
178. Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
177. Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
176. Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.
175. Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
174. Q: What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A: "Nice Dick!"
173. Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.
172. Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
171. Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
170. Q: What's the difference between a canoe and a jew?
A: A canoe tips.
169. Q: Why do Jewish men watch porno films backwards?
A: So they can watch the hooker give back the money.
168. Q: What do Etheopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A: They both live off dead beetles.
167. Q: What's Osama bin Laden's favourite drink?
A: A Double Manhattan.
166. Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
165. Q: In Iraq, when does a boy become a man?
A: When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.
164. Q: What's the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A: One has no friends, and the other has friends comming out of his ass.
163. Q: What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a hard on?
A: He breaks his nose
162. Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
161. Q: Why are Mexican's eyes red after they have sex?
A: Mace.
160. Q: What do you get whan you dislocate a baby's jaw?
A: Deep Throat.
159. Q : Whats white and bobs up and down in a baby's cot?
A : A pedophile's ass.
158. Q: Whats so good about fucking an 8 year old girl?
A: Just turn her over and it's a little boy.
157. Q: What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
A: "Hey, go easy on the candy!"
156. Q: What do pedophiles like about halloween?
A: Free delivery.
155. Q: What's more fun than spinning a baby on clothes line?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.
154. Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chain saw.
153. Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Air is free.
152. Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.
151. Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your ass.
150. Q: Why did the Mexican, want to trade his wife for an outhouse?
A: The hole was smaller and it didn't stink as bad!
149. Q: Why do Mexicans always have tamales for Christmas dinner?
A: So they'll have something to unwrap!
148. Q: How do you start a mexican parade?
A: Roll a quarter down a street.
147. Q: Why are there no Mexicans on Star Trek?
A: They don't work in the future either.
146. Q: Why are there no Mexican Paratroopers?
A: It's against international law to throw trash out of a plane.
145. Q: What do you call a brick building full of mexicans?
A: Jail.
144. Q: What is the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a southern?
A: One starts with "Once upon a time" and the other is "y'all aint gonna believe this shit."
143. Q: Whats red, slimy, and crawls up a womans leg?
A: A homesick abortion
142. Q: What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?
A: They both came from France in a wooden box.
141. Q: What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A: A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
140. Q: What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
A: About 5 days.
139. Q: What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian?
A: A solidly-built Pole.
138. Q: What do you give the princess who has everything?
A: A seatbelt and an airbag.
137. Q: Where does Princess Di stay when in Paris?
A: Any place she can crash.
136. Q: Why did the princess cross the road?
A: Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt.
135. Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
A: The wheelchair.
134. Q: What do you do when you see an epileptic having a bath?
A: Chuck in all your washing.
133. Q: How do you get a dead baby across the street?
A: Staple it to a chicken.
132. Q: How do you get all of the mexicans out of your neigborhood?
A: Hide all of the good cardboard boxes
131. Q: How do you make a black person nervous?
A: Take him to an auction
130. Q: How do you kill a West Indian?
A: Smash the toilet seat on his head while he's having a drink
129. Q: What do Puerto Ricans say during foreplay?
A: "If you scream bitch, I'll kill you"
128. Q: What is white, red, and peels itself?
A: A white guy trying to get a tan
127. Q: When can you spit a russian women in her face?
A: When her moustache is on fire.
126. Q: When is a Mexican allowed to carry a knife?
A: When its in his back
125. Q: What do you call a black priest?
A: Holy shit.
124. Q: What do you tell a black jew?
A: Get in the back of the oven!
123. Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A: Someone dropped a quarter
122. Q: How many jews can you fit into a car?
A: 6 million and 5 - 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 6 million in the ash tray.
121. Q: What do you get when an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
A: Seizure salad.
120. Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains
Q: How do you make your wife scream louder?
A: Fuck her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains
119. Q: How many babies does it take to tile a roof?
A: Twenty if you slice them thin enough.
118. Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid who got cancer for Xmas get for his birthday?
A: Nothing, he died.
117. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
116. Q: How do you make a horse drink?
A: Put it in a blender
115. Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman?
A: Fat
114. Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands
113. Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you've finished on the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box for the bone.
112. Q: How does a faget fake an orgasm?
A: Pour yogurt on his partners back.
111. Q: Two fagets were having sex and a fire started in their house, which one escaped first - the one on the bottom or the one on top?
A: The one on the bottom, cos he's shit was already packed.
110. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?
A: A show-off
109. Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans
108. Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can
107. Q: What did Dodi say to his chaffeur?
A: "Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?"
106. Q: Why did God invent lesbianism?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.
105. Q: What is the difference between Jews in Nazi Germany and school bullies after the outcasts' takeover?
A: The bullies deserve it!
104. Q: On the highway there are a dead rat and a dead school bully. What is the difference?
A: There are skid marks in front of the rat!
103. Q: What did Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold have in common with the Columbine cheerleaders?
A: They all made the jocks run faster!
102. Q: How do you get a leper out of a bath?
A: With a shovel.
101. Q: What do you call six wheelchairs on top of each other?
A: A vegetable rack.
100. Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
99. Q: What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A: A mugger snatches watches
98. Q: Why would a guy give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday? A: Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself.
97. Q: What is the definition of disgusting?
A: Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.
96. Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
95. Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
94. Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?
A: E.T. got the message and went home.
93. Q: What do you do with a one legged dog?
A:Take it for a drag.
92. Q: How many L.A:P.D. police officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member?
A: None, he fell down.
91. Q: What does a redneck call safe sex?
A: Marking the sheep that kick.

[Scumbag]

236. Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You make new friends every day.
235. Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.
234. Q: How do you find a fat woman's pussy?
A: Flip through the folds until you smell shit, then go back one.
233. Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
232. Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity
231. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
230. Q: What's the worst part about fucking a newborn baby?
A: Putting it in the body-bag when you're done!
229. Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hairballs.
228. Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
227. Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
226. Q: Why do rednecks think sheep are better than women?
A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
225. Q: What is the difference between a midget and a freak?
A: Political correctness.
224. Q: What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A: A bus load of babies on fire.
223. Q: What's the best thing to come out of Auschwitz?
A: An Empty Bus.
222. Q: What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: The same middle name.
221. Q: What do you call a New Zealander with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A: Bisexual.
220. Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
219. Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness".
218. Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through it's head.
217. Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.
216. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
215. Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the dumpster.
214. Q: What's pink and goes black with a "hiss!"?
A: A baby thrown into a furnace.
213. Q: How do you find the alive baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
212. Q: What do you call an Amish farmer with his arm halfway up his horses ass?
A: A mechanic.
211. Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
210. Q: Did you hear about the blind skunk?
A: It fucked a piece of shit.
209. Q: What do a hooker and a bungee jumper have in common?
A: They're both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead.
208. Q: What's the brown stuff between elephant's toes?
A: Slow natives.
207. Q: What do you call two aborted babies in a bucket?
A: Blood brothers.
206. Q: Why don't women like to fish?
A: You have to shut the fuck up!
205. Q: Why don't roosters have hands?
A: Chickens don't have tits.
204. Q: Why did Princess Di cross the road?
A: She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
203. Q: What goes "click click click, is that it?, click click click, is that it?...."
A: A blind man with a Rubiks cube.
202. Q: What's small brown and warm and found in the back of little boys underwear?
A: Michael Jacksons Hand!
201. Q: How do u pick up a chick in a club in rhode island?
A: With a vacuum (after the fire).
200. Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
A: Having to go to bed at seven o'clock.
199. Q: What's blonde, had six legs and runs through Michael Jacksons dreams?
A: Hanson.
198. Q: What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.
197. Q: How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.
196. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A bitch who won't do what she's told.
195. Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
A: Nail it's other hand to the floor.
194. Q: Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box.
193. Q: What does a bulimic call two fingers?
A: Dessert.
192. Q: What kind of animal has a cunt in the middle of it's back?
A: A Police horse.
191. Q: Why are faggots so generous?
A: They don't know how to be tight-assed.
190. Q: How do you fuck an ugly woman?
A: Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.

189. Q: What do lesbians do after an argument?
A: The go home and lick each others wounds.
188. Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
187. Q: How do deaf people have phone sex?
A: By fax.
186. Q: Where is an astronaut's favourite holiday spot?
A: All over Texas.

[Ado]

Little Johnny is visiting the Queen. While sitting down for tea he says
"Australia has decided to become a kingdom..."
The queen looks at Johnny and says "But you are not a king"
Johnny stammers and says "Well we will become an empire"
The queen replies " But you are not an Emperor"
The queen looks at Johnny and says
"Why don't you stay a country"

:D

[AVataRR]

Originally posted by Ado
Little Johnny is visiting the Queen. While sitting down for tea he says
"Australia has decided to become a kingdom..."
The queen looks at Johnny and says "But you are not a king"
Johnny stammers and says "Well we will become an empire"
The queen replies " But you are not an Emperor"
The queen looks at Johnny and says
"Why don't you stay a country"

:D

I don't get it

[Bostonmess]

Stay a country because he's a.....Count, as in Count Dracula :)

[rickbitch]

wrong. think phonetically.

Empire=emperor

kingdom=king

CUNTry=CUNT!

[Nandragon]

Hillary Clinton was visiting a group on kindergarteners. During a question and answer period, little Johnny was called on.
He had 3 questions for Mrs. Clinton,
1. Why do you want to be president?
2. What happened to all the stuff you took from the White House?
3. What happened to your National Health Care Plan?

Just then the recess bell rang.

When they came back in from recess, the question and answer period resumed with Mrs. Clinton

Little Billy was first one called apon. He having 5 questions:
1. Why do you want to be president?
2. What happened to all the stuff taken from the White House?
3. What happened to your National Health Care Plan?
and
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. WHAT did you do with Little Johnny?
_______________________________________________

Little Johnny came in from school one day to his small log home.
It was a cold day, Mom was sitting infront of the fire place with her skirts drawn up warming herself.

Little Johnny asked what was the hairy patch between her legs?
Mom replied "Not much of nothin"

Several days later, Johnny came in from school hungry as hell. He asked his mom what was for dinner? She replied "not much of nothin"

He asked then if he could have his now so he could get all the hair off of it before dinner.
_______________________________________

What did Daniel Boone say at the Alamo?
Who ordered all these damn brick layers?
________________________________________
What do you call a Mexican christening?
A bean dip

[Bostonmess]

Originally posted by rickbishop
wrong. think phonetically.

Empire=emperor

kingdom=king

CUNTry=CUNT!

Ee, dear oh dear. I should have used the roll eyes. Using my explanation made it obvious as to what the answer was I thought.

Garth Brooks the man who puts the c**t in country :)

[Nandragon]

Originally posted by Bostonmess

Garth Brooks the man who puts the c**t in country :)

I'da thought that would have been Natalie from the Dixie Chicks!

[Bostonmess]

Maybe now, but I originally heard it as Garth.

Incidentally some tranvestites are doing a tribute band to the Dixie Chicks, they're called The Chixwi Dicks :)

Sorry, I broke the rules of the thread. :D

[Salted_Chipmunk]

What's the difference between a pimple and a priest?





A pimple wont come on your face till your 13.

[Quoka]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he`s in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It`s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD."
"So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
The the VD took away my dingaling so now I`m just Fred."

[dmso12]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job "You start tomorrow.I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64.." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer" he boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" The Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[sagit]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. "
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father,it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you. "
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy,
and I admire that, but you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend
church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads", says Tommy.

[Bostonmess]

Originally posted by MisterBishi
Iraqi freedom fighters have captured Saddam Hussein and are handing him to the Americans for the $25m reward, Chelsea are offering $27m.

[marshmallowmae]

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well," said the man, "I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted it with my dick. It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

[Nandragon]

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks
her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It
says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are
the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
___________________________
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive
some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You
know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal."
________________________________

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway
to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse,
met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was
this day.

Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died
during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off
mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news
and went on her way.

The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this
day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of
his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although somewhat
startled -- she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her
his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants.

Mr. Jones replied simply, "Today is the viewing."
_____________________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and drink
beer.
_________________________________

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on
the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her
husband is on the back of a milk carton
________________________
JEWISH HUMOR!
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert
or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the
Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of
the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the
Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to
the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi
Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi
Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him
that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to
show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What
happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get
out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole
country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right
here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[Bostonmess]

A old man goes to the doctors. He says: "Doctor, me and the wife aren't getting any pleasure from sex anymore."

The doctor says increduously:"Pleasure? How old are you?"

"I'm ninety seven and my wifes ninety two," he says.

"And when did you find this out?" asks the doctor.

"Three times last night and twice this morning."

[/Ronnie Barker]

[dozer]

you: have you heard about that famous actress that got stabbed?

them: omfg!!! really!! who?!?!!?

you: ummm that chick that was in legally blonde or something...

them: oh yeah i know her, oh no was it reese witherspoon??

you: no it was with a knife

boom tish

try it out, works a treat, if they are the celeb gossip types you get to repeat the last line a lot

[marshmallowmae]

A bosomy blonde was trying on an extremely low-cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the saleswoman if she thought it was too low-cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleswoman asked.

"No!"

"Then," the saleswoman said, "it's too low-cut!"

[the_mexican_one]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Ha ha hahahaha

Why did the turkey cross the road?
to get to the chicken.
Hahahahahaha:)

[Conny!]

Originally posted by the_mexican_one
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Ha ha hahahaha

Why did the turkey cross the road?
to get to the chicken.
Hahahahahaha:)
Lame:rolleyes:

What do you call a dog with metal balls and no back legs?
Sparky.


A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The
teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher
says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes
open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs
do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless
and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[marshmallowmae]

An archaeologist, studying a calcified substance he discovered on one of the pharaoh's tombs, somberly presented his findings to the commission. "It is my studied opinion," he said, "that a cat crept into the crypt, crapped and then crept out again."

[pleed]

When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway!!!
bawhaha.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Salted_Chipmunk]

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bar-keep have you seen my brother?"

Bartender replies, "Dunno, what does he look like."

[marshmallowmae]

There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long
He could suck it.
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin:
If my ear was a cunt,
I could fuck it.


Y stands for Yanker,
The self-driving chap.
He greases his pole and
Provokes his own sap.
Absolved of the need of
A quarrelsome wife,
He humps himself nightly
And lives a great life.


There once was a girl from Jahore
Who'd lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny, she'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core.


There once was a lady from France
Who took a long train ride by chance.
The engineer fucked her before the conductor
While the fireman came in his pants.

[Elvis]

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

[Psycho Jon]

I did actually hear this one happen on an NZ radio station, The Edge.

Stables was the DJ, and i was driving to a customer when it all went down. Pity they fired Stables, must've had one too many court cases go against him!

[thingy]

Few things.

1. It's "Gaarn", not "go-an" (at least from the original version I heard, not that the spelling of it really matters I'm just making this a point for the sake of it).

2. Old as.

3. Inspired me to make a sticky thread in general for people to post jokes. Congratulations, first post :D . ONLY POST JOKES, all replies to jokes (unless by another joke (no Utop, that does not mean you :p )) will be deleted.

Now that's all cleared up, I'll post one I just received then in email.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE TOAST

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into the local Policeman on the street corner. The Policeman chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you , Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[thingy]

A blonde female police officer pulled over a blonde woman for speeding.

The blonde cop approached the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license.

The blonde driver asked, "What does a driver's license look like?" as she searched through her purse.

The blonde cop said, "It's a little thing with your picture on it."

The Driver pulled out her powder compact, opened it, looked in the mirror and handed it to the officer.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the blonde and said, "If you'd told me you were a police officer, we could have avoided all this."

[Foxfire]

This man was speeding happily home from work one day when to his dismay he saw the red and blue flashing lights in his mirror. He pulled over to the side of the road and rolled down his window as the police officer walked up to his car.

"Excuse me sir, do you realise you were speeding?" asked the cop.

"Yes officer, but I had to, I had no choice", replied the driver.

The cop's looked at him and said, "Alright, I'll bite, I've hit my quota this month so if you can give me a really good excuse I'll let you go."

The driver's thought for a second and said back " Well see about a year ago I got divorced and my wife ran off with a cop, when I saw you chasing me I thought it was him bringing her back."

[Drakin]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[astro]

James bond wanders into a casino and sidles up to the bar next to a beautiful blonde woman.

He casually says hello, and starts intensely examining his watch.

The blonde asks "Why is it that you're looking at your watch all the time?"

To which Bond casually replies "well, this watch is full of the latest high-tech systems and features"

"Really?", says the blonde, "What sort of features?"

"Well, it can communicate with me telepathically via Alpha waves and tell me all sorts of interesting things"

"What's it telling you right now?" asks the blonde.

"It's telling me you're not wearing any panties"

The blonde laughs and says "Well, i'd return that watch, because I AM wearing panties!"

James shakes his head and taps his watch... "Damn thing's running an hour fast!"

[catt]

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris:-I reckon he's an accountant.
James:-No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris:-He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris:-Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit:-No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris:-Oh! What's that then?
Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit:-Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
apond. Which is it?
Chris:-It's in a pond!
Suit:-Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Chris:-As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit:-Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if
you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris:-As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it
myself!
Suit:-Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris:-Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit:-Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit:-Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Chris:-Me? Never
Suit:-Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris:-How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris:-I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris:-Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James:-What's that then?
Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James:-Nope
Chris:-Well then, you're a wanker.

[catt]

I know it is probably poor form to post two jokes in a row but i have to pretend to go to uni now, so here goes...

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road!

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[svvampy]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.

[Z-Dust]

I know its stupid but its one of my all-time favourites...

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

[annie]

one of my favourites:

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a tomato.


yes i know, it dumb and old, but it still makes me giggle

[mysterious-dr-x]

Originally posted by annie
one of my favourites:

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a tomato.


yes i know, it dumb and old, but it still makes me giggle

i have one like that


whats green, has 4 legs, & will hurt you if it falls out of a tree?

a snooker table

[mysterious-dr-x]

theres an italian, a frenchman & (so im told) an american sitting next to each other on a plane.

the italian & frenchman are bragging about how much sex they got last night.

the frenchman says to the italian *dodgy frenchman accent* "i had sex with my wife 4 times last night! & this morning she made me my favourite crepes & told me how much she loved me"

the italian recons he can top that & says *dodgy italian accent* " i had sex with my wife 6 times last night! & this morning she made me my favourite breakfast & told me how much she adored me!"

both realise that the american has been strangely silent the hole conv, so the italian turns to him & says "how many times did you have sex with your wife last night"

"once" is the reply

the frenchman & the italian look at each other a smirk a little, & the frenchman asks " & what did she say to you this morning?"

to which the american replays "dont stop"

[astro]

And now for some of Astro's patented craptacular jokes...

Q. What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
A. Half a Dog.

Q. Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A. It was dead.

Q. Why did the possum fall out of the tree?
A. It was stapled to the Koala.

Q. Why did Jimmy fall off the swing?
A. Jimmy was a fish.

Q. Why did Tommy fall off the swing?
A. Someone threw a fridge at him.

and my all time favorite...
Q. What's the difference between a dog?
A. One of it's legs is both the same!

[Z-Dust]

What's the collective noun for a group of gay guys?

An outing..

[Gronk]

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Wait, let me guess... you've eaten my socks!"

[Gronk]

Dave works hard at the office, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[King_Crud]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman serves the horse a beer as it sits down at the bar. As the horse is drinking the barman says"you know, we don't get many horses in here" to which the horse replies

"no wonder, your beer tastes like shit"

[Z-Dust]

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man
could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant
clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old
woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 Pounds for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."

[7sean2]

A wife stand's naked in her bedroom mirror and turn's to her husband saying,"i feel short,fat and ugly,pay me a compliment" Husband says "you're eyesight's spot on"...

[7sean2]

An Essex girl walks into a sex shop and ask's the assistant for a vibrator! The assistant tells her to take her pick from the selection in the wall.The girl turn's round on says "i'll take the red at the end". The assistant say's "that's a fucking fire extingusher love"!

[Bostonmess]

Two monkeys in a bathroom.
One of them gets into the bath.
"Ooh aah ooh ahh ooh ahh."
The other one says: "Do you want some more cold water in mate?"

[jefah]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident.

A man walks into a pub.
He's a chronic alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

[pleed]

2 one liners.

What happened to Jesus when he went to mount olive?
Popeye beat him up

What do you call a blonde hiding in the linen cupboard?
The 1987 world hide and seek champion.

[peto]

More two liners,

What do you call a tatooed prostitute?
A scenic root.


What do you do when an elephant comes in your window?
Swim!

[durus]

Austin, Texas in the US. One day the local florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. Soon the local policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The n! ext morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. Next week an Indian software engineer, recently arrived in Austin, goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Indian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop he finds.........










A dozen Indians waiting for a haircut.

[Goat Boy]

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind... my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

[Gronk]

Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding.
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"




Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
"It's funny," says Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick!"
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde and ask: "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, also?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!"
She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?!"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she said.
"What on earth for?!" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard's are so cold!"

[VangaloRR]

Note Really a joke but it turned up in my inbox and i got a laugh from it...

Subject: Warning

I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important.
Please send this to everyone on your e-mail list.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and
asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum. This is a scam;
he only wants to see your bum.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

[King_Crud]

What do you get when you breed an elephant with a poodle?

A dead poodle ripped in half

[pliskin]

whats big , grey and comes in buckets?
an elephant!!!!!!!

there is an italian, a frenchman and an aussie all talkin about sex, and how good a lover thay are.
Frenchman: "when i make love to a woman, i wine her, i dine her. i carress her and when i make love to her for 3 hours, she floats 2 inches off the bed"
Italian: "when i make love to a woman ,i take her to the opera, then i wine and dine her . i make love to her for 5 hours and she floats 5 inches off the bed"
Australian " thats nothing , i can make my bitch hit the roof by wiping my cock on the doona cover, after i fuck her up the arse"

[ratbag]

Ok, so this is a cartoon, but this probably is the best thread for it...

Sad, but apparently true :D

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert20122002040309.gif

[Gronk]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"


Man goes into a chinese restaurant and is less than impressed with the food. He complains to the waiter: "This chicken is rubbery!"
The reply comes back: "oh, thank you berry much!"

[Grizzlee]

My short and sweet favs..

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam

Why did Denise fall of the swing?
She had no arms

[Conny!]

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?

Sparky

[leprchaun]

Originally posted by jefah
Everything jefah said

ROFL


Why did jack fall off the bike
He was hit by a fridge

What do you call a man with 10 rabbits up his arse
Warren

[Z-Dust]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first"
(Principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[Goat Boy]

This woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre.
So the barman gave her one!



What does a cow without lips say?
"Ooooooooo"

[MoleTeaser]

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?



You can't gargle sand.

[excalibur]

A kid that's about 12 comes upto his Dad and asks "Dad, What does a vagina look like??" To wich his dad replies "before or after sex??" The son thinks for a csecond and then says, "before." His Dad Replies "Like a newly opening rose, every fold waiting to be caressed....." then his son seems satisfied for a little, then curiosity comes back over his face and he asks, "What about after sex???" The father then says...

"Ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise??"

[mysterious-dr-x]

what does an elephent use as a tampon?
a sheep

what does an elephant use for a vibrator?
an epileptic pig.

[Z-Dust]

Originally posted by mysterious-dr-x
what does an elephent use as a tampon?
a sheep


What's the moral of the story?

Don't wear red woolly jumpers...

[Goat Boy]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be okay in Sydney or Brisbane but we're not having any of that homo shit in Perth!"

[Z-Dust]

Originally posted by St. Anger
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?

Sparky


What do you call a dog with no legs?


Doesn't matter, it won't come to you anyway...

[Gronk]

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done. The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

[Gronk]

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

And

Q: What's Old, Wrinkled, and Smells of Ginger?
A: Fred Astair's Face!

[WiTT]

An elephant went to the bank and asks the teller to check his balance.... so the teller pushed him over (DAD'S JOKES)

What's something u should never say in a gay bar?

Fuck Me it's HOT in here!

[Al]

Originally posted by WiTT
What's something u should never say in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in?

[Al]

What's pink and red and sits in the corner?

A baby playing with razor blades.


What's grey and green and sits in the corner?

Same baby 2 weeks later.


What do you call a woman tied to the end of a jetty?

Maud.


What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.

If she was asian?

Irene.


What do you call a man wrapped in cellophane?

Russell.

[Z-Dust]

What do you call a man sitting on your doorstep?

Matt


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob

[Z-Dust]

A woman is feeling lonely and decides to put an ad in the paper.

"Wanted: Man who won't push me around, won't walk all over me, and is great lover."

A couple of days later the doorbell rings. She opens the door, looks out, sees nothing and closes the door.

The doorbell rings again. She opens the door and hears this voice go "Hey!". She looks down and sees this guy with no arms and no legs sitting on the doorstep. (We'll call him Matt.)

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper", he says.

"I see, and how do you think you fit the description?"

"Well, I got no hands, so I can't push you around."

"Uh huh"

"And I got no legs, so I can't walk all over you"

"Uh huh. But what about being a great lover?"

"I rang the fucking doorbell didn't I??"

<boom boom>

[iaidoka]

Why do you always put a baby in the blender feet first?

So that you can see the expression on its face.

[Al]

What do you call a woman tied to the end of a jetty?

Maud.

[t101]

Two elephants walked off a cliff.

Boom boom.

[t101]

Two goldfish are in a tank. The first goldfish turns to the second and says 'you drive, I'll man the turret'.

[Gronk]

A tourist walked into a curio shop. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.
He asked the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat. One hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and they were following him down the street. This was disconcerting. He began trotting.
Within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were squealing. He ran toward the bay. He looked around and saw that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, they were squealing loudly, and they were coming toward him fast.
Scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and they all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No,"said the man. "I came back to see if you have a Bronze Politician."

NOTE:
You can substitute 'Politician' with who ever takes your fancy. i.e 'Victorian'

[ratbag]

Couple of one liners...

Q: What do you get when you merge a penis with a potato?

A: Dictator

Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?

A: By the taste...

:D

[Fenaughty]

Whats the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork


A baby fur seal walks into a club.

Boom Boom

[and3w]

Bloke goes to a bar & gets a beer. He see's an ENORMOUS bottles stuffed full of £10 notes.
He says to the barman 'whats that mate?'
Barman: Its the Dare Bottle! You put in £10 and then I give you 3 dares. If you complete them all you win it all!
Cool, says the guy & gives him £10. What are the dares?
Barman:
1) see that 1 ltr of pepper vodka? Drink it all, in one, without pulling a face or tearing up.
2) out back we've got a starving pitbull with a rotten tooth. You remove the tooth.
3) Upstairs there is a 90 year old woman who has never had an orgasm. You make her come and you get the dosh.
So, the bloke drinks the bottle without a grimace!
He then staggers, drunk, out back. For 15 minutes all they can hear is screaming, gnarling, the rending of clothes and screeching.
Then, suddenly silence!
The back door opens and the guy crawls out, mauled, blood everywhere, with most of his clothes off!

OK, he says, thats that, now where's the old bag with the rotten tooth??

[chip256]

Letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department Of Environmental Quality, State Of Michigan **States Letter** Dear Mr DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R1OW,Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

It has come to the attention of the Department Of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity. *Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. Under state law, a permit must be issued prior to the start of this activity. A review of the departments files shows that no permit has been issued. Therefore, the department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes And Streams, Of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Complied Laws, annotated.
The department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work will be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and appreciate full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely David L. Price

District Representative Land and Water Management Division



This is the actual response letter sent back

Dear Mr Price Re: DEQ File No 97-59-0023: T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me for response. I am the legal owner but not the contractor at 2088 Dagget Drive, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State Unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think the beavers would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state that there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

1) Are you trying to discriminate against the Spring Pond beavers or
2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam permit?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, than, through Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324. 30113 of the Michigan complied Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first question is - are the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the state will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The departments dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone, rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (beavers) and the environment (beavers dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait till 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! ( The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank you, Ryan DeVries + The Dam Beavers

[astro]

On a long flight, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's bathroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said,"You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons,"replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[mysterious-dr-x]

what is 1 + 1 = to?
a window (think about it, you have all the sides & the cross in the middle, see?)

what is 2 + 2 = to?
double glazing

[Gronk]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the nuns had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. The nun took the glass back to Mother Superior's bedside, and held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had downed the whole glass, down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
Mother Superior slowly raised her head, and with a pious look on her face, said "Don't sell that cow."

[thingy]

Three prisoners broke out of jail. As they were making their way along they noticed down a hill was a convent. It contained a large vegetable patch as well, and every morning one of the nuns would come out and pick the vegetables for that days meal.

As they watched they couldn't believe her beauty. The most gorgous female they had ever seen (especially seeing as they had been locked away for the last 10 years without female contact), and they were mesmerised as she was going through the mushroom patch picking mushrooms - "One mushroom laa di daa di daaa. Two mushroom laa di daa di daaa. Three mushroom laa di daa di daa" etc etc.

Well, this gave one of the prisoners an idea. That night he undressed completely and buried himself in the mushroom patch with just his willie sticking out. The next morning the gorgous nun came along with her usual routine - "One mushroom laa di daa di daaa. Two mushroom laa di daa di daaa. Three mush. Three mush. Three mush." Tug and tug as hard as she might, she couldn't pull it out. Plus, it strangely grew harder every time too. Flustered, she gave up and went on with the other mushrooms.

The prisoners mates, watching from afar, were besides themselves! He had actually managed to get her to pull him off! So delaying their departure a bit longer, the second guy decided it was HIS turn to get pulled off by the gorgous nun the next morning. That night, he undressed and buried himself in the mushroom patch with just his penis sticking out. The next morning the gorgous nun came along with her usual routine - "One mushroom laa di daa di daaa. Two mushroom laa di daa di daaa. Three mush. Three mush. Three mush."

That was two days in a row, this this strange looking third mushroom just couldn't be pulled out of the ground. She went to the mother superior (who as we all know is one of those big butch women) and went "Mother Superior, I'm err ... having a little trouble in the mushroom patch." "What's going on?" "Well you see, that third mushroom. I pull and I pull, but no matter what it never comes out?" The mother superior is a little confused by this, but tells the nun she can take tomorrow off and the Mother Superior will take over her duties the next day instead.

The third and biggest of the prisoners decided he'd better get some action too. He had always been the toughest in the prison so he couldn't be upstaged by these two scrawny bastards. That night, he too undressed, dug a hole for himself, and buried himself in the mushroom patch. The next morning, the mother superior comes out, basket hanging from one arm and proceeds directly to the mushroom patch - "One mushroom laa di daa di daaa. Two mushroom laa di daa di daaa. Three mush. Three mush. Three mushroom laa di daa di daa."

[Gruff Nutz]

Any Neil Hamburger Fans out there?

Q: Whats the difference between Tom Cruise and Jesus?
A: Tom Cruise got to fuck Nickole Kidman but Jesus only gets to jack off onto her tits.

Q: Why does Britney Spears sell so many records?
A: Because the public is horny and depressed.

Q: What do you call a senior citizen who keeps exposing their genitals in public?
A: Madonna

Q: Why did Julia Roberts rub shit all over her vagina?
A: Because she was horny.

Comedy Gold!

[russ9000]

How do you start a bear race?

Ready Teddy Go....




Ok Ill go kill myself...


Whats more fun than pegging a baby to a clothes line and spinning it really fast?

Stopping it with a shovel!

[mattmedia]

Whats worse then throwing babys off the back of a truck?

Catching them with a Pitch Fork.

whats green big and eats nutts,

Green elephant

whats green small and eats nutts,

Syphilous

whats the difference between a jew and a pizza,

pizza's dont scream in the oven

whats blue and fucks old people

hypothermia

[catt]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out,"My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself,sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus" he says.The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before,Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock."By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

[Deimos]

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo whom?
Fuck off - ya pedantic wanker!

[Z-Dust]

Three blondes walked into a bar.

You'd think one of them would've seen it...

[dimeslime]

Whats red and black and crawls up your leg?

A homesick abortion.

[catt]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,"I clocked you at 80 km per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear,you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut