Hired Goon
02-07-2007, 12:20 AM
In the wake of the recent failed car bombs in London and the embarrassing fiasco at Glasgow, Al Qaeda has announced a new strategy for inspiring terror in despised infidel westerners.
Speaking from some shit-hole cave in some shit-hole country, the new Director of Infidel Justice, Wasim Al Haq Mohammed Azim explained "We at Al Qaeda strive for excellence in everything we do, and clearly our attempts have fallen short of our full year projections for infidel body count. The senior management is in complete agreement that the strategy isn’t working and drastic measures must be taken to correct this worrying slide. Osama has every confidence that we can right the ship in this regard", he said.
The new strategy will focus on a new campaign aimed at encouraging westerners to buy packages that allow them to be killed by Al Qaeda. Azim, speaking armed with an AK47 and explosives strapped to his chest said "We did some analysis of our business model and found that the opportunity to be killed in a terrorist incident was surprisingly low. Our statistics indicated that a middle class infidel had more chance of dying by choking on a peanut than one of our bombs. Suffice to say, we need to come up with a more innovative approach to allow your average Joe Infidel to participate in the Al Qaeda experience" he said.
"So we sat down and thought about it, and we decided that you know, going around behind the authorities’ backs and trying to smuggle all these bombs around was taking a huge amount of time and money with very little return. We need a fresh approach with less overhead", he said.
"So now we’ll be offering packages where we fly people across to Baghdad and Afghanistan and a range of other really shit places where you’ll get to experience the whole thing first hand. For as little as $10000 you can get kidnapped, stripped naked and humiliated on Al Jazeera before finally being decapitated and having your headless corpse dumped in a ditch. That’s excellent value for money", he said. "And of course, for those more budget conscious infidels we will blow up the plane mid journey for as little at $1000".
Analysts are not so sure and the market reaction was unenthusiastic. Al Qaeda closed forty eight cents down at $8.97 on Wall Street.
Thread fails.
Speaking from some shit-hole cave in some shit-hole country, the new Director of Infidel Justice, Wasim Al Haq Mohammed Azim explained "We at Al Qaeda strive for excellence in everything we do, and clearly our attempts have fallen short of our full year projections for infidel body count. The senior management is in complete agreement that the strategy isn’t working and drastic measures must be taken to correct this worrying slide. Osama has every confidence that we can right the ship in this regard", he said.
The new strategy will focus on a new campaign aimed at encouraging westerners to buy packages that allow them to be killed by Al Qaeda. Azim, speaking armed with an AK47 and explosives strapped to his chest said "We did some analysis of our business model and found that the opportunity to be killed in a terrorist incident was surprisingly low. Our statistics indicated that a middle class infidel had more chance of dying by choking on a peanut than one of our bombs. Suffice to say, we need to come up with a more innovative approach to allow your average Joe Infidel to participate in the Al Qaeda experience" he said.
"So we sat down and thought about it, and we decided that you know, going around behind the authorities’ backs and trying to smuggle all these bombs around was taking a huge amount of time and money with very little return. We need a fresh approach with less overhead", he said.
"So now we’ll be offering packages where we fly people across to Baghdad and Afghanistan and a range of other really shit places where you’ll get to experience the whole thing first hand. For as little as $10000 you can get kidnapped, stripped naked and humiliated on Al Jazeera before finally being decapitated and having your headless corpse dumped in a ditch. That’s excellent value for money", he said. "And of course, for those more budget conscious infidels we will blow up the plane mid journey for as little at $1000".
Analysts are not so sure and the market reaction was unenthusiastic. Al Qaeda closed forty eight cents down at $8.97 on Wall Street.
Thread fails.